I'll Be There
by Heavenli24
Summary: Two years after You Can Always… Max and Liz are still together, but he's at UNM and Liz is at Harvard. They've been surviving on phone calls and the vacations, but when Max calls Liz at Harvard with some good news, will she feel the same way about it?
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: I'll Be There

**Author**: Heavenli24

**Pairings/Couples/Category**:M/L

**Rating**: MATURE

**Disclaimer**: The characters of "Roswell" belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, WB, and UPN. They are not mine and no infringement is intended.

**Summary**: Two years after _You Can Always Count On Me_, Max and Liz are still together, but Max is at UNM and Liz is studying at Harvard. They've been surviving on phone calls, internet and seeing each other in the vacations, but when Max calls Liz at Harvard with some good news, will she feel the same way about it?

**Author's** **Note**: This is the sequel to _You Can Always Count On Me_. Before we start, I just want to say that this story is not going to be as light-hearted and fun as _You Can Always_…. There will be angst – quite a bit actually – but don't worry, this fic is Dreamer insured and there will be a happy ending.

**Part One**

_Saturday December 18th 2004_

_I don't know what's going on with me lately. It's like nothing's going right in my life at the moment. My concentration has been slowly disintegrating recently, my grades are slipping and Max is all the way on the other side of the country. I wish I knew how to fix this, I wish I knew what to do to make this all go away; but I don't. All I can do is just go through the motions and let everything just pass me by._

_God, I just want my old life back..._

"Knock, knock."

Lethargically, I tear my gaze away from the TV and glance in the direction of the door, the remote dangling from my outstretched arm, which, until a second ago, was in the process of flipping through the channels. The door opens slightly and a face peers through the gap.

"You mind if I join you?" he asks, flashing me a cheeky grin. "I brought ice cream," he says in an attempt to sway me.

I send him a grateful smile and pull myself up from my position lying on the couch to make some room for him.

"Go on, then, if you must," I sigh in mock annoyance, but he's not affected by my apparent moodiness.

The door opens fully and he makes his way towards the couch, a spoon and a tub of Ben and Jerry's in each hand. Handing the contents of one hand to me, he settles down at the end of the sofa and gets comfortable.

"So, what are we watching?"

"Not much," I sigh miserably. "There's nothing on."

"Hey, don't be so negative," he admonishes, placing his tub of ice cream on the floor and grabbing the remote from my hand. "I'm sure there's _something_ on."

"I wouldn't be so sure," I mumble, not caring how it sounds. I pull the lid off the tub and hastily dig in to my favourite chocolate ice cream.

He just looks at me for a second, before placing the remote on the armrest next to him and shifting slightly in his seat. I look down at the tub in my hand, reluctant to listen to what I know he's going to say.

"Liz…" he starts quietly and I close my eyes in preparation for what's coming. But he just sighs and brushes my shoulder with his fingers. "Come here, you," he says softly and urges me to move closer to him. I sigh gratefully and settle back against him, my head resting against his shoulder and my legs stretched out along the sofa. His arm rests between the back of the couch and my left arm.

"God, Jack…" I start, but don't seem to be able to continue without my chin trembling and tears welling up in my eyes. Suddenly I'm glad that I'm facing away from him.

"I guess it's probably not worth me asking how you're feeling today?" he jokes in an obvious attempt to lighten the atmosphere, but all I can do is shake my head and will the tears to go away.

"Look, Liz," he tries again. "I know this is hard for you and that you don't want to hear this, but I really think you need to tell him."

An ache starts up in my chest as he says those words and I find myself shaking my head again, vehemently this time.

"I can't, Jack; I just can't. I'm not strong enough."

"But you can't keep living like this, either. It's not doing either of you any good," he reasons and I know he's right.

But I can't tell Max.

God, what would he think of me?

I think Jack gets the message then, because suddenly he stops talking and we sit in silence for a while, the only sound coming from TV across the room. Jack still hasn't touched his own ice cream and instead, his left hand strokes my arm comfortingly.

I can only take about five minutes of it, before I have to break the silence. "So, I guess Becca and Tim are out on the town tonight?" I ask, more out of something to say, than actual curiosity.

Becca and Tim, along with Jack, are my housemates. We've been friends since we all lived in the same dorm in freshman year here at Harvard. Becca was my roommate and Jack and Tim lived down the hall. At the end of that year, we all decided that we'd rather find somewhere off-campus to live than stay in the dorms for another year, so we came to a mutual agreement that we'd all live together. That was a year and a half ago and we're still sharing the same house we moved into at the start of sophomore year.

"Yeah, they are," Jack replies. "But not together, of course."

I nod. Becca is something of a party animal; she's always gong to some social event or another. I don't think she's had a Saturday night in all semester and since school let out on Friday and we're all going back home for Christmas vacation in the next couple of days, she's making the most of it. Tim, on the other hand is most likely out on a date with his girlfriend, Kelly. They met in English class, back at the beginning of sophomore year. They worked on a project together and ended up going on a date. They have been together ever since. I'm happy for them; they seem to have a really good, solid relationship. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they got married in a couple of years.

"So, then, what are you doing still here?" I ask Jack then.

"Why, keeping you company, of course."

I smile. "That's really sweet, Jack, but I'm fine. I promise."

"Maybe, but I'm still staying here with you this evening, so don't even try it," he warns and I sigh.

I should have known that wouldn't work.

"Fine," I mumble, but leave it at that. I relax back against him again and occupy myself with shovelling spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth, while Jack tries to find something worthwhile to watch on TV.

Half an hour later, we're still on the couch, but tiredness has overtaken me and now I'm lying on my side on the couch, the ice cream abandoned and my head resting on Jack's lap. He's casually running his fingers through my hair; which, however nice it feels, is unfortunately sending me to sleep.

My eyes are just starting to drift closed when the phone on the coffee table in front of the sofa begins to ring and startles me out of my peaceful state of mind. Groggily, I lift my head and pull myself up into a sitting position as I reach for the phone.

"Hello?" My voice comes out all sleepy.

"Hey, sweetie," comes the masculine, throaty voice.

I smile. It's Max.

"Hey…" '_honey_'…it's on the tip of my tongue to say, but somehow I can't get used to this idea of Max's to use pet names for each other; it just seems so cheesy. We managed without them for over a year, but now he's got it into his head that we should use them. I agreed to go along with it for his sake, but saying it back just makes me uncomfortable and so I try to avoid doing it too much. "…You," I settle with. "What's up?"

"Okay, so I know I'm going to see you in a couple of days anyway, but I've got some great news and I couldn't wait that long to share it with you."

I smother a chuckle. "Ah, so that's why you're calling me at almost midnight, when you know how much I need my sleep," I reply good-naturedly. There's just something about Max that brings out the excessive teasing nature in me.

"Yeah, sorry about that. It's only ten here. I didn't disturb you, did I?" he apologises.

I glance over at Jack, who has finally decided that he'd better get on and eat his ice cream before it melts completely. "No, not at all; just hanging out in front of the TV with a tub of Ben and Jerry's," I tell him with a smile. "So, what's the big news?"

"Well, I didn't want to say anything until it was final, but since my grades have been really good this semester, one of my professors suggested this great opportunity for m – "

"Really? That's great, Max. What is it?" I ask excitedly, only to hear a 'tut' from Max.

Oops, I think I just cut him off in the middle of a sentence.

"Well, if you'd let me finish, I'll get to that," he jokes and I can just picture him rolling his eyes at me on the other end of the line.

"Sorry," I apologise. "Carry on."

"Well, I applied last month and just got an acceptance letter today..."

"And…?" I'm nearly dying here.

"Guess what? After Christmas, I'm going to be attending Harvard with you for a semester."

"You what?" I practically squeal. "You're coming here? Oh my God." A grin spreads across my face, my earlier dilemma - the one that needed the ice cream - momentarily forgotten. "How?"

"Well, apparently, there are opportunities for good students to take part in school exchanges, not just international ones, but also between different schools here. I had to put in a lot of effort to show the school board that I was capable of handling the work at Harvard, but they accepted me and I start classes with you after Christmas vacation."

Oh my God, is all I can think right now. My mind is overwhelmed by the fact that after more than two years of living 2000 miles apart, Max and I will have four straight months of being able to see each other every day.

"I can't believe it, Max! Wow, this must be really exciting for you. Where are you going to live while you're here? I'd offer to put you up here, but you know how tiny my room is and we don't have any spare rooms."

"Yeah, I know," he replies, a little less enthusiastically than just now. "I didn't think that would be a realistic possibility anyway; but don't worry, the exchange programme committee are sorting out some accommodation for me. I'll probably have to live in a student apartment, but I'll still be pretty close to you."

"Wow, this is really great, Max! Now we'll have a reason to look forward to going back to school after New Year's instead of moping around like usual."

"Yeah, we will," I can hear the smile reappear in his voice. "Look, I'd better let you go now. It's pretty late there and I know you haven't started your packing yet," he teases and I'm about to tell him off, when I realise that he's right. I'm nowhere near ready to leave for New Mexico yet.

"Okay, you're right. I should go," I tell him. "I'll see you Monday, though."

"Yep, Monday. I can't wait to see you again. It's been so long this time." He's right. We were both tied up with assignments over Fall break and Thanksgiving. We haven't even been in the same room together since the summer. "I'll be thinking of you until then," he adds.

"Me, too," I reply. A lump forms in the back of my throat and I immediately feel guilty because it's not there for the reason it should be.

"I love you," he tells me warmly.

I swallow. "Love you, too," I manage, trying to make it sound upbeat, but it just comes out in a whisper.

"Bye."

"Bye." I click off the phone and place it back on the coffee table. I avoid glancing at Jack, who's still tucking into his ice cream.

"So, Max is coming here?" he asks suddenly and I close my eyes for a moment, wishing that I didn't have to get into this with him.

"Yeah, he managed to get a place on the UNM student exchange programme. He'll be studying here at Harvard for a semester." He takes this in and then nods slowly. Frustrated, I place my head in my hands. "God, what am I going to do? How do I fix this, Jack?"

"I don't know yet, Liz; but we'll figure it out, I promise," he reassures me, taking my hands and pulling me into a warm hug. "It'll be okay, you'll see."

_TBC…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

It's Monday evening and I have just spent almost eight hours travelling from Boston to Albuquerque. No matter how many times I make the journey, I still can't believe it takes so long to get here. Hopefully, Max will be there to meet me when I arrive at the airport in a few minutes. We're spending some time together tonight before driving back down to Roswell tomorrow. Max shares an apartment with a couple of guys from his soccer team, but he's told me that they've already gone home for the holidays so we'll have the apartment to ourselves.

I wait impatiently for the 'fasten seatbelt' sign to go off so I can grab my bag and get off the plane. When it finally does, I am quick to get my things together and then I exit the aircraft as fast as possible (which actually is pretty slow considering that about two hundred people are all trying to do exactly the same thing at exactly the same time as me). Eventually though, I make it out into the spacious building that is the Albuquerque Sun-port and start walking toward the area where I know Max will waiting for me. As I go, I take in the Native American art and designs on the walls and I realise now how much I've missed home – the sunshine, the culture and the laidback attitude of everyone here.

My heart lurches in my chest as I round the final corner of the terminal and head towards the exit. As I walk, my eyes roam over the crowd as I try to pinpoint Max amongst them. For a moment, I worry that he's not here, but then I spot his dark head and let out a sigh of relief when I see that he's spotted me too. He's wearing a dark jacket, which covers my favourite t-shirt of his and denim jeans that fit in all the right places. A huge grin breaks out on his face and I know that he's trying his best not to start running towards me, therefore making a scene in front of all these people. I quicken my steps a little and in no time at all, we're face-to-face for the first time in four months. We stand there, just staring at each other for a few seconds, before Max pulls me into a tight hug.

"Lizzie…" he whispers into my hair. "I've missed you so much."

His words cause a strange, but not entirely unfamiliar feeling to start up in my chest, but before I can dwell on it further, his lips have captured mine in a heated, passionate kiss and I forget everything else but the feel of his warm, inviting mouth caressing mine. Several moments later, we pull apart breathing heavily and I suddenly become conscious of all the attention we seem to be getting. Max looks at me slightly puzzled before he too glances up and sees the other people.

"Come on." He grabs my hand. "Let's find your luggage and get out of here." I let him lead me through the airport to the baggage claim. He grabs my bag from the conveyor belt and we walk out to the parking lot to find his jeep. We get in and just before he turns the key in the ignition, Max turns to me with such a look of heat and passion that my insides turn to jelly and I forget all about the problems I left behind in Boston.

I just want Max.

Max spends the fairly short journey to his apartment gently massaging my inner thigh with his fingers and in the process, sends shivers of delight through my body. By the time he pulls into the apartment complex, I'm practically gasping for breath and I'm filled with an intense need make love to him. Right here, right now.

Somehow (don't ask me how), I manage to keep myself under control while Max grabs my things from the car and carries them into the apartment, dropping them just inside the door. I follow him in and I'm about to close the door behind me, when he grabs me and I'm pushed up against it, effectively slamming it shut with our weight.

"God, Lizzie…" he groans just before our lips meet in a frantic embrace and his arms wrap around me, holding my body flush against his. I can't think. All I can do is feel. His hands make their way down to cup my bottom and as he squeezes lightly, I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. I can feel his hardness pressing into me as his fingers massage my butt and all I want is for him to be inside me; for him to make love to me over and over again until I forget everything else in my life but him.

It seems that Max is too impatient to wait until we're undressed and in bed, because he hurriedly pulls my top over my head and tugs down my bra so that the cups rest below my breasts. I slip my hands beneath his shirt and let my fingers roam across the lines of his back. As his lips cover my nipple, sucking and caressing it tenderly with his tongue, his fingers find the zipper on my pants and I lower my legs from around his waist so that he can pull them down over my hips. Whilst his mouth continues to feast on the bare skin of my chest, I toe off my shoes and kick my jeans to the floor, before jumping back up and resuming my previous position against him, with my legs wrapped around his waist.

He hisses with pleasure as my centre comes into contact with his pelvis once more and after hearing that sound, I can bear it no longer. I remove one hand from where it's resting beneath his shirt and let it snake down between our bodies so that I can I undo the button on his jeans and slide the zipper down, thus releasing him from the denim confines. At his following sigh, I slip my hand into his boxers, running my thumb over his tip and he gasps as I pull the material out of the way. He thrusts into my hand and before I give in to his desires, I have to remind myself that we need to use protection. I went on the pill last year, but it's still better to be safe than sorry. I move my other hand round to his back pocket, reaching in to pull out the small square packet that I know will be in there.

Just barely a minute later, the condom is out of its packet and is in place. Max pulls the material of my panties aside and enters me roughly. We both gasp with pleasure at the feeling of being one again. Max's head drops to my shoulders as he exhales, "Liz…oh, Lizzie…I love you."

I wrap my arms round his neck, clinging to him as he begins moving inside me, creating that ever-present, delicious friction between our bodies. "I love you, too, Max. God, so much," I whisper close to his ear as our movements become frantic and we head towards that mind-blowing release that we've waited all these months for.

* * *

"Wow," I pant two hours later, as Max collapses beside me on the bed.

"_Wow_ is just about right," he smiles sleepily. "I can't believe we've lasted this long without doing it!"

I give him an incredulous look and shove his shoulder playfully. "Max!"

He just shrugs and grins in reply.

"So," he says a couple of minutes later, when his breathing has returned to normal. "We haven't exactly had a chance to talk yet."

I reach out and run my index finger down his chest until I reach his navel. "Now, why would we wanna do a thing like that?"

"Liz," he groans. "Stop teasing. We've just done it three times; I don't think I have any energy left."

"Aw, come on," I pout, but I'm not really serious. I actually think I might die if I experience any more of those incredible orgasms that he managed to give me tonight. "Fine. So talking, huh?"

"Well, yeah," he says and even though it's too dark to see him properly, I just know he's rolling his eyes at me and thinking 'duh'.

"Okay, so maybe we _should_ get some talking done," I agree eventually, not really looking forward to a lengthy in-depth discussion. "But can't it wait until the morning? You've worn me out and now I'm exhausted. And anyway, don't you guys always fall asleep right after sex? I'm surprised you're still awake, actually."

"Oh, ha ha," he retorts dryly and then tries to stifle a yawn. Oh, yeah, Max. Not tired? My ass! "Okay, so maybe I'm a little tired," he says in reply to my scoff.

"A little? You're half asleep!"

"Okay, fine! I give up. We're going to sleep now."

I sigh in relief.

Max shuffles around in the bed for a moment, before reaching out his arms.

"Come here, you," he murmurs, spooning my naked, sweaty and thoroughly ravished body against his own equally naked and sweaty body.

I feel him press a kiss to my shoulder and one to the base of my neck as he relaxes behind me. I try to relax too, but all I can think about is hearing Max repeat the same words just now that Jack said to me on Saturday night: _'come here, you'._

My face falls as I come down from the high caused by making love to Max, and all my previous doubts and worries come flooding back.

* * *

Well, we don't get much talking done in the morning either. In fact, the only words to pass either of our lips for the first hour of the day consist of various gasped versions of '_Yes'_, '_God' _and_ 'Fuck',_ as we make the most of our last few hours of being completely alone with no family or friends sticking their noses in where they aren't wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and get on really well with Max's too; and both sets of parents, mine included, are pretty lenient about one of us staying over at their house and both of us sleeping in the same bed when we do. I'm sure they know by now that Max and I are sleeping together, although we've never come straight out and admitted it. However gullible and naïve my parents act when talking about our relationship to either one (or both) of us, I'm sure they can't be [i]_that[/i]_ clueless. I've mentioned as much to Max and he reckons that they're just in denial and that talking as if our relationship is totally innocent allows them to believe that their little girl is [i]_not[/i]_ growing up and becoming a woman. You know, the more I think about his words, the more I'm sure he's probably right; and sometimes I even wonder why the man is studying for a degree in English and not Psychology!

The trip down to Roswell is pretty uneventful and we discuss how great it is that Max will be living in Cambridge in just a few weeks. We talk about what we're gonna do when we're both there and how we'll work out our schedules so we can spend time together. Every now and then, Max will point out something we saw or did on our big cross-country trip the summer after we graduated high school and suddenly I'm transported back to that time, the best summer of my life; the summer that Max and I finally admitted our feelings for each other and our relationship evolved from best friends into a couple in love.

My breath catches in my throat and I muffle a sob as I remember how simple and easy life was that summer, when all we had to worry about was what to tell our parents about our relationship when we returned home. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to that nice, easy life; in fact, some days I long for it so much that my chest aches.

"Hey, you okay?" I look up to find Max glancing at me in concern as he's driving. I swallow the bitter taste in my mouth and force a small smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I tell him quickly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He frowns slightly and then shrugs. "I don't know. You just seem quiet, that's all."

"Just enjoying the scenery," I reply, gesturing to our surroundings with one hand. "I've missed it. It's all cloudy and snowy in Boston right now. It's nice to be back in the sunshine, even if the temperatures are below freezing."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," he nods, his worried expression disappearing. "You don't seem to notice the cold so much when it's bright and sunny and there's not a single cloud in the sky."

The rest of the journey passes in comfortable silence. We share the occasional smile and a few minutes after our brief conversation about the cold weather, Max reaches over and links our fingers.

"It's good to have you home, Liz. Back in New Mexico, I mean," he tells me warmly. "Everyone's been missing you like crazy in Roswell since you haven't been able to come back this semester."

I squeeze his hand. "I missed everyone too. Four months is a long time to go without seeing all you guys."

"Well, you've got a month here now, so I guess you should just sit back and enjoy it," Max grins. "And maybe have some good times with me as well."

I nod.

I'll try, Max. I really will.

* * *

Christmas vacation practically flies by, the highlights being: catching up with Maria and the rest of the gang; the two wonderful parties thrown by my parents and Max's parents on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve respectively; and waking up with a sleepy and very naked Max in my bed on Christmas morning and New Year's Day.

I've had a great time at home this holiday. The whole atmosphere and being surrounded by my closest friends and family has really lifted my spirits. I just hope that it lasts, at least for a while, after we get back to Cambridge. We're flying out tomorrow morning and right now, I'm trying to get my packing done and Max is sitting on my bed watching me (he has already finished his packing). Mr. Evans is driving us both up to Albuquerque this afternoon so that Max can pick up anything else that he needs for Harvard and then we're going to stay at his apartment tonight.

"So, are you excited about attending Harvard soon?" I ask Max while I try to decide how best to fit my shoes in my suitcase. "Hey, you'll be a Harvard man now!"

He chuckles, "Liz, sweetie, I don't think I can technically be a Harvard man if I'm only there one semester and don't actually graduate. But, to answer your question: yes, I am excited. Just think, we'll get to meet up between classes and you can tell me first-hand how much you can't stand your professors this year."

"Yeah, we will," I smile, although I'm not sure my heart is completely in it.

Great, it's starting again.

I turn back to my suitcase and close my eyes briefly at the sudden flood of emotions that run through me.

God, I hate this.

* * *

"I love you." The words are whispered so softly, that at first, I'm not sure whether I actually hear it or if it's just in my imagination; but then Max's hand flattens against my stomach and his arm pulls me closer to him and although I realise that he's dozing, I know I didn't imagine it.

My chest tightens as I think about the wonderful night we've just shared and how loved and cherished he made me feel. I've learned so much about Max in the two and a half years (almost) that we've been together. Not the 'likes and dislikes' sort of stuff, but the stuff you can only discover if you've known each other intimately - inside and out.

For example, the weekend that we first made love – it was Thanksgiving of Freshman year – I found out that I can drive Max completely and totally wild using only my tongue in all the right places; and just before our first year anniversary he confided in me that just the thought of seeing me in a nurse's uniform was enough to make him come on the spot – needless to say, the night of our anniversary was extremely pleasurable for him. But most of all, I've learned that despite his initial reluctance to make love unless we were completely ready; he really is adventurous in bed. He has no qualms at all about trying out different and new positions, and has even persuaded me to get down and dirty in some of the most risqué places.

But now, lying here in the arms of the man who loves me, as he softly caresses my stomach with his gentle fingers, I can't help but let my thoughts drift back to how I felt last year whenever I saw him again after weeks of being apart. I remember how my heart would start beating rapidly in my chest at that first glimpse of him and how the second his eyes met mine, a wave of heat would sweep over my body and the only way to divest myself of it would be to have intense physical contact with him.

So then, what happened over the last few months to dim that reaction in me? Why is it that I can't seem to muster the same enthusiasm over being with Max that I could back then? Why has everything changed?

"Liz…" Max mumbles into my neck, his breath tickling my skin. He's fully awake now and I can feel his arousal pressing into my butt. I have to bite my lip when I feel his left hand slide up between the mattress and my body and come to a stop over my left breast, his fingers squeezing it lightly. As he gently caresses my nipple, his other hand moves down from my waist and slips between my legs. I feel rather guilty at how he can still get me extremely aroused, yet, my heart seems to stay cold and shut off from real emotion.

It's not that I don't love him or want him. I _want_ to love him, I want to _want_ him, but for some reason, I just don't seem to be able to anymore; at least not in the way I used to. And I feel bad, because it's not Max's fault, not at all. He's still the same beautiful, loving, caring man he's always been. No, it's me. Something's changed in _me_ and I just don't know how to change it back.

Thing is, right now, Max's caresses are causing havoc on my senses and I can't help my reaction to the feel of his strong, hard body against mine; I can't do anything but lie here in anticipation of what's coming, as his fingers delve into my wetness, stroking me painfully slowly, yet steadily bringing me closer and closer to the edge. I'm just about gasping for air when his hand leaves my body and he shifts, presumably to reach for protection. I can't help the whimper that escapes my lips at the loss of his warm skin pressed against mine; but barely a few seconds later, his naked body is pressing against my back once more and he's lifting my thigh, placing it over his as he prepares to enter me.

Our lovemaking is slow, languid and tender, and throughout the whole thing, I am incredibly glad that I'm turned away from Max and that my hair is obscuring my face from his view. I wouldn't want to have to explain why tears are currently flowing down my cheeks or why the hitched intakes of breath that he thinks are passion-induced are actually gasping sobs, as I try to work through the unbelievable ache of longing in my chest.

_TBC…_


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three  
**

_Sunday January 9__th__ 2005_

_I managed to get over my mini breakdown yesterday morning before Max could see my face. Luckily, he went back to sleep soon after we made love and I had a chance to pull myself together. _

_We left Albuquerque a few hours later and arrived in Cambridge last night. We found the apartment Max will be living in pretty easily and after I helped him settle in, I kissed him goodbye, leaving him to get to know his roommates and returned to my own house to unpack my own things._

_Anyway, he's going to come round later this morning and I'll show him around campus – although he has been here a few times, he hasn't really spent much time getting to know the streets and buildings yet…_

I stop writing in my journal and decide I'd better get out of bed and get some breakfast before I end up spending the entire morning lounging around in my room.

Becca and Jack are sitting at the kitchen table when I get downstairs.

"Liz, hey," Becca calls enthusiastically as I enter the room. I'm not sure where she gets her energy from, especially as I know for a fact that she didn't get home until gone 4 o'clock this morning. "So, where's Max?" She peers over my shoulder, looking for him.

"Oh, um…he's at his own apartment a couple of blocks away. I left him there last night to get settled in and meet his roommates."

"Really? I'm surprised you let him out of your sight for a second," teases Becca. "Don't forget, I've seen how the two of you are when you're together!"

I give her a half-smile and shift uncomfortably, not really wanting to get into the subject of Max and I, and our 'perfect' relationship

Jack looks up from his bowl of cereal and sends me a small sympathetic smile. "Tim and Kelly are up in his room. I doubt they'll be down for a while," he informs me, changing the subject quickly.

I nod. "I gathered as much. The noises coming from his room last night kind of clued me in," I tell him with a roll of my eyes as I take a seat at the table.

A few moments after I've reached for a bowl and the box of Frosted Flakes sitting on the table, Becca gets up and starts collecting various bits of food on a tray.

"Well, it was nice chatting to you two, but if you'll excuse me, I have a very handsome, very naked man in my bed who needs attending to," she chirps and practically bounces out of the room.

Ah, so that's why she's so upbeat this morning!

I share an incredulous look with Jack, before turning back to my breakfast. We sit in silence for a while, until Jack seems to decide that he can't take it anymore and opens his mouth to speak.

"So, good holiday?" he's going for casual, but I can hear the underlying question: _so, how did it go with Max this holiday?_

"It was pretty great up until a couple of days ago. You know, we had fun. But, then when I was packing to come back here, everything just came flooding back and now I'm pretty much back where I started," I answer the unspoken part. "How about you?" I ask, trying to steer the subject in a different direction.

"It was alright," he says. "You know, just a normal Christmas with the family."

Jack's parents and his younger sister live in New York, but he told me that over Christmas and New Year's the entire extended family congregate at his house for two weeks of mayhem

"Look, Liz. You know that I'll help you as much as I can with all of this, but I can't do everything. You realise that you're going to have to take matters into your own hands and try to sort it out yourself, don't you?"

Dread washes over me and I shake my head forcefully. "Jack…"

He ignores my obvious discomfort. "Liz, you have to tell Max. He deserves to know what's going on. You can't just carry on with your life like this, pretending that everything is fine and dandy. It doesn't work that way. Especially now that Max is living here. You're not going to be able to keep this from him forever."

I let out a half-snort, half-scoff, "I can try though, can't I?"

He just fixes me with a sympathetic gaze and I sigh in annoyance.

"I know I can't, okay!" I cry. "I just…I don't think I have the guts to bring it up," I finish miserably. Jack opens his mouth to speak, but I point my finger at him sternly and effectively cut him off before he can, "And don't even think going behind my back and telling Max about this, alright?"

He shrugs, holding his hands up in defeat. "Okay, you're the boss. I won't say anything."

"Thank you."

No longer hungry, I pick up my half-eaten bowl of Frosted Flakes and dump the contents in the trash, rinsing the bowl quickly and leaving it by the sink.

"I'm going to take a shower. If Max gets here before I'm done, can you tell him I'll be ready to go soon?" I ask.

"Sure," shrugs Jack, his mouth full of cereal.

"And no bringing up what we just talked about, okay?" I warn, before heading up the stairs to my room.

* * *

Although I don't mean to, I end up taking my time in the shower, just letting the hot water slide over my body as it relaxes my tense muscles. I turn under the spray and tilt my head up, allowing the water to cover my face in an attempt to wash away all the crappiness in my life.

When I finally turn the water off, I take my time drying off and then wrap the towel around me and brush my teeth. A little more refreshed than I was half an hour earlier, I make my way back to my room and almost cry out in surprise when I find Max sitting on my bed. Now, normally this wouldn't be an unpleasant situation at all, but today it just irks me. It's like, what gives Max the right to just come in here unannounced and wait for me to finish my shower? I know that I shouldn't be thinking that way; God knows I never used to, after all, this is _Max,_ my best friend and lover; but this morning, it practically makes my blood boil.

I force a smile and make my way over to the bed to kiss him good morning. I know I can't kick him out, but at the same time, I'm feeling a little weird about him being here while I get dressed and do my hair and make-up, especially when he's not in the same boat as me (i.e. dripping wet and dressed in only a towel); it's almost like it's an invasion of privacy or something.

As I open my closet to pull out some clothes, I shake my head. What am I thinking? This is the guy I spent six weeks living in the same hotel room with that summer. This is the guy I've known my whole life, the one I've known intimately for the last two years. So, why am I feeling uncomfortable now?

I have to stop this train of thought.

"So," I poke my head round the closet door. "How was your night? Are your roommates nice?"

Max shifts to a more comfortable position on the bed, leaning back on one elbow. "Yeah, it was good. They're really nice people," he tells me as I dig around for my favourite sweater. "I wish you'd stayed, though. I wanted to introduce you to them."

"I'm sorry, Max. I just thought you should have some time to get to know them on your own. I'll meet them all later, I promise."

I find my sweater and pull it on, along with my jeans. Then I make my way over to the dresser and brush my hair. When I'm certain I look presentable, I turn to Max.

"Okay, I'm ready now. Shall we get going?"

* * *

We walk through the campus, and I point out the various departments and landmarks to Max. At first, I can't seem to help walking a step or two in front of him, and it's only when he reaches out and takes my hand, that I relax and continue on alongside him. After a few minutes, Max's arm makes its way around my shoulders and I lean into him, smiling gratefully to myself. I've been kind of cold with him so far this morning, I know that, and I really shouldn't have been. This is his first day here in Cambridge with me; what he needs is for me to be happy and upbeat and instead, I end up letting my own frustrations get the better of me.

I've got to stop this. I can't keep going around being miserable all the time.

That's it: this is the end of my problems.

Letting a smile drift onto my lips, I slip my hand round to Max's butt and squeeze it playfully, hiding a smirk when he stiffens.

"Liz…" he looks at me, his voice holding a warning tone.

"Yes, Max?" I question innocently, holding the smile for slightly longer than necessary as I turn and move my arms up to the back of his neck. His own arm falls from my shoulder and ends up resting on my lower back. Closing my eyes, I lean up and press my lips to his urgently. Max doesn't respond for a moment, but I keep kissing him and eventually his lips move against mine and our embrace quickly heats up. I try to keep my concentration on the feelings that his body is invoking in me, but suddenly it becomes too much and I have to tear my lips away.

I bury my head in his chest and tighten my arms around his neck, holding him as close as I can.

"Liz…?" he questions breathlessly, but I shake my head against his jacket.

"Just hold me, Max," I murmur. "Please…"

"Okay," his reply is whispered and it holds a hint of confusion, but he doesn't question my request.

His arms come around me fully and he squeezes me tightly, dropping his head to my shoulder. He always seems to know just what I need.

* * *

The first week of the spring semester starts off pretty much okay. On Monday morning, I help Max find his first class and we arrange to meet up at the student union for coffee after our morning classes. With a quick kiss, he sends me on my way and heads into his classroom. With a sigh, I watch his retreating back until the door closes behind him and then turn to walk to my Biology lab.

An hour later, I'm sitting with Max at a table in the union coffee bar. He's telling me all about his new professors and how he's slightly worried because they seem to expect so much from all their students. I comfort him by telling him how we always find it really hard at the beginning of the semester and I explain that the professors just like to scare you into thinking that their class will be the hardest, most difficult class you'll ever take, and then you find that it's actually pretty easy. Max laughs when I tell him about how Becca got so scared by one of her freshman teachers that she sat up every night for a week, frantically reading as many books as she could and making as many notes as possible, and then when she got to class on Friday, it turned out that no one had started any of the reading and all they'd been expected to do was _buy_ all the books, not read them!

After Max has gotten over his first day, the rest of the week is fairly uneventful, although it is very busy. My own professors don't seem to know the meaning of the words 'easing you back in' in regards to starting new classes after four weeks of Christmas break and no academic work. I end up with several assignments to be completed by the end of the week and Max and I don't get to spend as much time together as I know he would have liked. Me, on the other hand? Well, I already know what slave drivers the teachers here can be, having been here two and a half years already, and in all honesty, I wasn't expecting to be able to spend much time with Max this week.

It turns out that we both have a free night on Wednesday, so in celebration of Max being here, we go out for dinner that night. Afterwards, we go back to my house and spend some time chatting with Becca, Tim and Jack before heading up to my room for the night.

It's Saturday night and the end of a busy first week of classes. Operation: Be Happy is well underway and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it, if I do say so myself. Right now, I'm curled up with Max on his bed. We're watching a movie, a bowl of microwave popcorn resting between us. For the last week, I've avoided mentioning my strange behaviour when we were taking a tour of the campus last Sunday and Max hasn't brought it up; although honestly, I think he's had a pretty overwhelming week what with adjusting to life at Harvard and my afternoon of strange behaviour is probably the last thing on his mind. Not that I mind, of course. I'm actually quite relieved.

"You know, " I almost jump when Max unexpectedly breaks the silence. "I really admire you."

He does?

"You do?" I turn my head to see his face.

"Yeah, I do," he smiles down at me. "I never realised how tough Harvard really was. I admire how you manage to take it all in your stride and still get good grades."

I don't know what to say to that. The truth is, the work hasn't been easy for me, especially this year. There have been some days when I'm this close to cracking under the pressure and it's only with the help of encouraging words from Jack that I've actually been able to get through it all.

"Yeah, well…" I shrug bashfully; I've never been that good at taking compliments. So, I just focus my attention back on the movie, but I can still feel his gaze on me, his eyes burning holes in the top of my head.

"You're amazing, you know that?" he whispers suddenly and I feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. This isn't the first time he's said something like this to me, but it still catches me off guard when he does.

I don't know what to say, so I keep my mouth shut and my eyes on the screen; but barely a moment later, he places the bowl of popcorn on the floor and his fingers come under my chin, tilting my head up towards him. Before I have a chance to even think, his lips are caressing mine softly and tenderly; it's a gesture full of love and it sends tingles through my body. The effect is overwhelming and suddenly, I am no longer sitting up, my body cradled against his, but I am stretched out on the bed and Max is leaning over me, his warm fingers dancing a light trail down my neck and across my collarbone as he continues to nip at my lips with his own.

"Max…" His name slips from my lips as his mouth lowers to my neck, following the path of his fingers. I'm not exactly sure what I mean to say; _Max, don't… _or maybe _Max, we shouldn't…_or perhaps I actually mean _Max, please, don't stop._

As his hands slide beneath my top and cup my breasts gently, I realise that despite all the problems in my life, I need him right now. I need to feel loved and wanted. So, I let my mind go and gasp as he touches me and undresses me slowly, and when at last his tongue delves into my wet, aching core, I involuntarily arch off the bed in ecstasy. He laps at me eagerly, as if he can't get enough and in the process, he manages to brings me just to the edge over and over again, never quite allowing me to find that release that I so desperately need, until he can sense that I just can't take it anymore and then sends me over with one last sweep of his tongue.

Afterwards, as I attempt to come down from the incredible high he's created in my body, I simply lie there in his arms, my eyes closed and chest heaving. Ordinarily I might feel a little awkward that I am lying on top of the covers completely naked, while Max is still fully dressed, but tonight it doesn't matter. Tonight I feel so content and relaxed that I don't care.

When my breathing has return to normal, at least somewhat, I open my eyes to find him gazing down at my lovingly, a small smile gracing his gorgeous lips. I lift my hand to cup his cheek as I whisper, "Thank you," and then "I love you."

My other hand lowers to the font of his pants and I run my fingers lightly over the bulging material, letting him know that I'm more than happy to return the favour, but he just lets his lips curve up into a smile and reaches down to cover my hand with his, effectively stopping me from going any further.

He shakes his head. "I'm okay, don't worry about me tonight," he whispers, cutting off any protest I might have with his lips. He kisses me lightly and then leans over the bed to pick up one of his shirts. He pulls it over my head, feeds my hands through the armholes and tucks me into his bed. When he's sure that I'm comfortable, he strips down to his boxers and joins me in the bed.

We snuggle up together, and I savour the feeling of being in his arms as we continue to watch the movie in comfortable silence. This is the first time in a while that I've felt like myself and as Max holds me in his arms, I an actually imagine that my life is somewhat back to how it used to be.

_TBC…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four  
**

_Sunday January 30__th__ 2005_

_It's been three weeks since school started back up again and Max came back to Cambridge with me after Winter break, and things are…well I wouldn't say they are wonderful, but they're going okay, at least they were until a few hours ago. _

_Max and I have been spending a good number of nights together, either sleeping in his room at his apartment or my bedroom. That is, when we don't have a ton of work to do that keeps us up studying all night. Don't get me wrong, it is great having my boyfriend living here for a while, really; but I just don't feel as happy and excited about it as I've previously made out to Max, and it's affecting our relationship. Actually, we ended up in this big fight about it this morning. Well, it wasn't so much a big fight as it was a huge screaming, shouting match, which I'm still trying to recover from._

_And the worst thing is, I still don't quite know why it started in the first place. I mean, I know I was cranky when I woke up, but I really didn't intend to cause everything to blow up between us…_

"Morning, sleepyhead."

The soft, half-whispered words filter through my fuzzy, sleep-filled brain and I let out a groan, reaching up to pull my hair from my face. My back aches and I shift slightly to find a more comfortable position, only to find that I am encased in Max's arms and that my head is resting against his chest. I feel kind of off, although it might have something to do with the red wine I drank at dinner last night and then the two hours we spent having sex in the early hours of this morning.

"Ughh," I manage. I try to pull myself into a sitting position, but Max seems reluctant to let me go just yet. "I need to go to the bathroom," I inform him then and he flashes me an apologetic smile and releases his arms from my waist. "Thanks."

I slip out of the bed and pull one of Max's t-shirts over my head, before leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on his lips. "I'll be back in a minute."

I leave his room and make my way to the bathroom. After I've relieved myself, I spent a couple of minutes just staring at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. I look tired. My eyes are puffy and sore from lack of sleep and my hair is in disarray. I'm just a mess.

I sigh at the sight of the girl reflected back at me, but then tear my eyes away from the mirror to splash some water on my face. I don't know if I have the energy to keep this up anymore; and I don't just mean my relationship with Max, I'm talking about my whole life as it is at the moment. It's just become so monotonous and tiring lately.

Max is still lying in bed when I return to the bedroom and its obvious from his body language and the expression in his eyes, that he's waiting for me to join him again. I close my own eyes at the crestfallen expression that appears on his face when I start pulling on my clothes instead of climbing back into the bed, and guilt passes through me. I hate that I'm upsetting him, but how can I snuggle up next to him and pretend that everything's fine, when my heart's telling me the complete opposite?

"Liz…" he starts as I fasten my jeans and pull my tank top over my head. "What's going on?"

I freeze for a moment, knowing exactly what he's talking about; but I choose to ignore it. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you. What's been going on with you lately?"

He's struck a chord and I don't like it. "Nothing's _going on _with me, Max! Maybe it's just you being paranoid," I retort.

"Liz," he sighs, sitting up and pulling his boxers on. "Something's not been right with us recently and unless I've done something I don't know about, I don't understand what's changed."

I snort. "You wanna know what's changed? Well, for a start, you're currently living here and not in Albuquerque!" I snarl sarcastically.

"Liz, you know that's not what I meant – " he protests, but now it's like this gate has opened up inside me with those words, and now everything's just flowing right out.

I cut him off, "You know, I didn't ask you to come here, you just called me up and informed me that you were coming. You didn't even tell me about it beforehand. Because, you know, maybe I don't even want you here!" I shout in frustration.

Max's expression hardens. "Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, Liz, but you can't exactly tell me where I can or cannot study! I chose to come to Harvard; not just because of you, but because I wanted to come here, okay?" he spits out angrily.

He doesn't say any more and we just stand there in the middle of the room, breathily heavily and glaring at each other. After a couple of minutes, Max's shoulders slump slightly and his face loses some of its anger.

"You don't want me here?" he sounds like a small little boy, and ordinarily I would back down and apologise, but not today. Today, I'm angry and frustrated and upset.

"You know, maybe I don't," I admit, swallowing to push down the lump in my throat.

He frowns. "Why not, Liz? After all this time being apart from each other, why aren't you happy that we can be together now, at least for a while?"

"That's just it, Max," I sigh tiredly. "We've spent so long living different lives in different cities, only seeing each other on a full-time basis a couple of months a year, that I've gotten used to having my own life and my friends here. And it's like, now you're here, my Harvard life is not just mine anymore; you're in it too and it's smothering me," I admit. It's the truth; it's how I've been feeling lately, but it's not the whole truth; because this has been going on longer than a month; it's been going on since long before Max called me to tell me he was coming to Harvard.

"What, so now I'm just an inconvenience?" he cries, his voice rising with every word. "You'd rather live your own little perfect life without me in it, only communicating a couple of times a week via phone calls and the Internet, is that it?" He's shouting now and I have to cringe as the angry words reach my ears. It's not the first time I've heard Max this angry, but it's never been directed at me before.

"Max," I whisper, not knowing what else to say. I can't deny it; I have been feeling that way about our relationship for a while now.

"Don't 'Max' me! It's the truth, isn't it?" He doesn't wait for an answer, just lets out an incredulous snort and continues. "God, all this time I've been sitting around in New Mexico, practically pining for you, counting down the days when we can see each other again, and you…you don't even care!"

"I _do_ care, Max!" I burst out loudly, desperate for him to know that I do still love him.

He snorts again, "Yeah, well you have a funny way of showing it!"

That's it. I can't take this anymore. I have to get out of here before I do something stupid. Like break down completely.

"I've had enough of this!" I screech suddenly. "You can't just – " You can't what? I don't even know anymore. "I'm leaving."

I grab the rest of my things and walk out, slamming the door behind me before he even gets a chance to say anything. It's only when I'm halfway towards the front door that I hear his final words.

"Yeah, well good riddance! You go right on back to your perfect, Max Evans-free life. See if I care!"

I'm trembling as I reach for the doorknob. Perfect life? If only you knew, Max.

* * *

By the time I reach my house, I've calmed down a little, but my body's still shaking all over. What does this mean for us now? Did we just break up, or was this just our first big fight? Something tells me that the things we said to each other just now are not going to be forgiven too easily or quickly.

God, what have I done?

All I want now is to lock myself in my room and cry my eyes out.

Which is exactly what I do.

The moment I enter my room, I sink to the floor, letting my back slide down the door. I curl up into a ball as gasping, gut-wrenching sobs take over my body. I cry for Max; for the state of our relationship, whatever that may be right now; I cry for myself; my life; just everything.

This is not the first time I've broken down like this over the last few months and it certainly won't be the last. It's been happening much more often recently and it seems that just about anything can set it off now; from watching a sad movie or a true life story on TV, to being intimate with Max, and I don't know how to stop it; or how to feel normal again.

* * *

"Liz?"

I'm woken up by a knock at my bedroom door. After I managed to stop the tears earlier, I made my way to my bed and pulled out my journal, writing in it in the hopes that it would help me work out what just happened. I must have fallen asleep. I sit up and run my hands through my hair. I probably look awful.

"Hey, Liz. You in there?" It's Jack.

"Yeah, I'm here," I call out, although my voice comes out kind of scratchy from crying.

"Hey, the guys and I are going to order pizza and watch a movie downstairs. You in?"

I tell out a breath. What the hell. I could do with some downtime with my housemates.

"Sure, just give me a minute to get sorted and I'll be down."

"Okay, Liz. See you in a sec," he calls from the other side of the door.

I listen as his footsteps descend back down the stairs before I stand up and reach for my hairbrush and make-up. Once I'm satisfied that I actually look presentable, I slip out of my room and go down to join my friends. When I arrive in the living room, I find that the pizzas have already arrived (mmm… pepperoni, my favourite) and there are two six-packs of beer on the coffee table. I grab a slice of pizza and a beer and take a seat on the sofa between Tim and Becca.

I have fun tonight; honestly, I do. Becca and Tim decide to make up lewd jokes during the movie and I have to roll my eyes at Jack, who's sat in the armchair in the corner, but when they start doing impressions of the most unlikely characters paired together in sex scenes, all four of us start cracking up. It really is the most fun and light-hearted evening I've had in months. With all the studying I've had to do for my classes, I've hardly had a chance to just kick back and have a fun night with my friends. That's not to say that Max and I don't usually joke around when we're together (although not so much as of late), but it's not quite the same as having a laugh with your crazy housemates.

About three-quarters of the way through the film, though, Becca seems to get tired of mucking around and unfortunately makes me her interrogation target.

"So, Liz. You and Max…" she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. "I bet it's just heaven having him right here in Cambridge, there for the taking anytime you want?"

I keep my eyes fixed on the TV screen, but she's looking right at me and I can't avoid the question.

"Um…well, you know…" I shrug nonchalantly.

"Hey, now," she tuts. "None of that umming and ahhing. I want details."

"Look, Becca." I turn to her. "Can we just drop it for now. Please?"

She frowns and shrugs, "Okay. It's just, you usually love telling us about him – and making me hugely jealous of you in the process, I might add."

"It just don't feel like talking about it tonight." She raises an eyebrow and I realise that I'm going to have to say _something_. "Max and I had this big fight this morning, okay? I think we may have broken up." I chance a glance in Jack's direction as I say it, to find his mouth open in surprise. I don't think he was expecting _that_.

The smile leaves her face and she reaches out a comforting hand. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push. Look, I've seen first hand how strong your relationship is; I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Just give it some time."

I just nod, not knowing what to say in reply. I have a feeling that it _is_ as bad as I think and the worst thing is, I don't know if I even _want_ it to go back to the way it was.

I'm saved from answering her by the sound of the doorbell.

"I'll go," says Tim, getting up from his seat. "It's probably Kelly anyway."

He leaves the room and Becca, Jack and I return our gazes to the film still playing out on the TV screen, yet at the same time, half listening out for the telltale noise of Tim and Kelly's footsteps on the stairs. When no noises come, I frown, a little confused at who could be at the door if it's not Kelly; but a second later, Tim peers round the door and nods at me.

"Liz, Max is here. He wants to talk to you."

"O-okay," I stutter helplessly, my heartbeat speeding up suddenly. I glance over at the other two in question, but they are quick to stand up and start leaving the room.

"Good luck," whispers Becca as she walks past me.

"It'll be okay, you'll see," add Jack with an encouraging smile and they both leave.

I hear them greet Max out in the hallway and then suddenly there he is, right here in the room with me. He pushes the door closed behind him with a soft click and then just sort of stands in front of it awkwardly with his hands shoved in his pockets.

I can't look at him; I just can't, because if I do I'll see the wounded, vulnerable expression that I know is on his face right now. I just…oh, I can't help it, my gaze rises of its own accord and suddenly our eyes are locked. But he doesn't look wounded, or vulnerable, in fact he looks… apologetic.

"Liz…" he starts, clearing his throat nervously. "Lizzie…I'm sorry."

Wait! What? No…no he can't be apologising to me! He's not the one in the wrong here.

"Max, stop," I tell him firmly and he looks at me in confusion. "Just don't say anything else, okay?"

I get up off the couch and start pacing the small room, trying to work out what I'm going to say to him.

"Max," I stop and turn to face him. "_I'm_ the one who's sorry, okay? I shouldn't have said those things. It wasn't fair and I'm sure it wasn't particularly nice for you to hear and…and I'm sorry. Here you are, living two thousand miles from home, in the same town as me and I'm acting like I don't even want you here!"

I raise my eyes to his face again to find him watching me intently, a serious expression clouding his features.

"Do you?" It comes out as a whisper.

I frown. "What?"

"Do you really want me here, Liz? Please, be honest with me."

For a moment, I can't breathe. I want to be able to tell him that of course I want him here, that I love him and wouldn't want to spend my life anywhere else but in his arms; but I can't. My mouth is opening and closing, but nothing is coming out.

"Right," he nods slowly, turning away from me. "Okay, I get it."

I close my eyes. I'm hurting him. I don't want to hurt him. He takes a few deep breaths before facing me once more. I muffle a gasp at the look in his eyes, the tears shining in them and I feel my heart breaking.

This is it. We're over.

"Max…" I start, but my voice cracks and I can't continue. I wrap my arms around myself in the hopes that it will keep me together.

He shakes his head, holding a hand up to stop me. "Don't. Please, just don't," he says and I can hear the pain in his voice. "I think…I think maybe we should take a break for a while. Have some time apart so that you can get your feelings straight about what you really want."

I just look at him, standing there in front of me, looking so broken and tears start pooling in my eyes, threatening to spill. I start shaking my head. No, Max, please don't do this…please.

"I think I should go," he says finally. "But can you tell me just one thing first? When did you stop loving me?"

The first tear falls from my eye, trailing a wet path down over my cheek. "I didn't," I tell him, praying that he believes me. "I do love you, Max. It's just – "

"You don't want to be with me, I get it," he states tonelessly and turns towards the door.

"Max, no…" I try, but he just keeps walking to the door. When he gets there, right before he twists the doorknob, he stops and looks back at me.

"I just want you to know that I understand. I can imagine that it would be strange for you to have me here, invading your 'Harvard' life like this. I just never thought it would be this difficult for you." He sends me a sad look, filled with sorrow and then leaves the room.

I stand there, in the centre of my living room, in shock, unable to move until I hear the front door slam behind him and he's gone. Only then do the events of the day come crashing down around me, and I collapse to the sofa, my arms clutching my stomach in an attempt to block out the pain as misery overtakes me once again.

_TBC…_


	5. Chapter 5

**Part Five  
**

_Tuesday March 1__st__ 2005_

_It's been over a month since Max and I broke up and I'm still just as lost as I was back then. I don't know what's making me feel this way, but I don't like it. I feel like I've become a totally different person than I used to be. I hardly go out anymore and it's getting to the point that I don't even want to go out. It's like I'm scared to put myself out there or something. You know, it's so much safer spending time at home where no one can hurt me and I can't hurt anyone else, like I did Max._

_But, isn't it just typical that the one person you don't want to see, the one person who doesn't want to be around you, is the one person you always seem to bump into everywhere you go? It's like that with Max. It seems that wherever I am, whether I'm on campus, or at the store, or wherever, Max is there too. We've had more awkward, 'didn't know you would be here' moments in the last few weeks than I have experienced in my entire life and what I can't stand is having to see that awful, wounded look in his eyes every time he looks up and realises that I'm there in the same place as him. The worst part was discovering that Max has got himself a part-time job in the very video store that Becca and I frequent often on our pizza, video, wine and chocolate veg-out sessions. I can't even face going in there anymore._

_I don't know what I can do to get rid of that constant miserable look on Max's face and make all this better…_

"That's it, Liz!" Becca's voice startles me from my writing as she pushes my bedroom door open and marches in. I close the book quickly and watch her expectantly. "No more of this moping around, I won't allow it."

"Bex, please just leave me al– "

"No!" she cries, cutting me off. "I'm not leaving you alone this time. You can't keep doing this, Liz. You can't keep hiding away in your room; which is why we've arranged a house night out tonight. Jack and Tim have already agreed and you're coming with us."

"But – " I can't go out tonight. I don't think I could face it, and besides I just don't think have the energy for a night of drinking and clubbing.

"No, buts, Liz. You're coming out with us tonight, and that's final," she glares at me, her hands on her hips, until I nod yes. "Right then, now that's sorted, let's find you something to wear."

Two hours later, I'm standing by the front door with Jack, waiting for Becca to finish getting ready herself and for Tim to get off the phone to Kelly.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks me in concern. "You know, you don't have to come out with us tonight. I can tell Becca you're not feeling well."

Jack is the only person I've confided in about what's really going on in my life. He's the only one who knows that some nights the ache in my chest is so bad that I cry myself to sleep because of it. He's the one who's been helping me through all of this crap with Max and even though he's told me from the beginning that I really ought to talk to Max about it, he's still there to lend a shoulder to cry on when I'm upset.

I shake my head and force a smile. "No, it's okay, I'll come. After all, I am all ready and everything now."

He smiles at me, but anything else that he was going to say is stopped by the arrival of Becca and Tim in the hallway.

"Okay, guys, let's get out of here!" Becca exclaims as she claps her hands together, taking charge and we follow her out of the door.

* * *

It's eleven pm and after visiting the third bar of the night, we're now heading towards one of the hottest nightclubs in town. Tonight is student night, so we don't have to worry about fending off pervy old men and can just enjoy ourselves and have a good time. I'm really feeling the buzz now; I've had a few drinks and now I'm actually in the mood for some energetic dancing – or more accurately – jumping around on the dance floor.

The first thing Becca does after we've paid the entrance and cloakroom fees is drag the three of us over to the bar and order us a round of toffee vodka shots, which she then makes us knock back simultaneously. With the warmth from the vodka humming through my body, I grab her arm and pull her over to the crowded floor. I just need to forget about everything right now and have some fun.

And I do. That is, until something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye and I can't help glancing over at it. Now I wish I hadn't, because over on the other side of the dance floor is Max, with a girl. A girl that's not me. He's dancing with her, and if you ask me, it's getting pretty cosy over there. God, I can't even look. I need another drink. I pull Becca towards the bar, where I can see Tim and Jack standing, seemingly engaged in an intense argument, although as we get nearer to them, I realise that they're actually discussing the merits and weaknesses of the latest Playstation game – in a nightclub of all places!

We sit at one of the tables in the bar area and do another round of vodka shots, sour apple flavoured this time, and for a few minutes, it gives me a buzz again, but then, as my eyes flit around the room and I spot Max holding the girl he's with close to him, my good mood disintegrates and I just feel depressed. Now I remember, this is why I've chosen to drink but not get drunk recently – it's impossible for me to drown my sorrows in alcohol; for the simple reason that if I'm feeling happy before I start drinking, then I'm a happy drunk; but if I'm feeling depressed to start with, it's all downhill from there. With my elbow leaning on the table, I rest my chin on my hand and stare dejectedly at all the people having fun around me. It's only when my chin slips from its support, nearly hitting the table surface, and I look up to find three pairs of eyes looking at me in surprise, that I realise that I really am kind of drunk.

"Hey Liz, you okay there?" asks Becca as she tries to hide a smirk behind her hand.

"Yeah, I'm…I'm fine," I manage, though I feel light-headed as I say it. "I think," I add, as I feel myself sliding off the chair. "Oops."

I'm prevented from hitting the floor, as someone's hands grab me around the waist and haul me back up to standing. I look up into Jack's blue eyes and flash him a grateful smile.

"I think maybe it's time we were getting you home, don't you?" he says lightly, as he brushes my hair off my face.

"Yeah, I think it is," I nod tiredly, my body suddenly feeling like lead.

"Guys, I'm going to walk Liz home; I think she needs to get to bed," he tells the others, his arms still supporting me.

"Hang on, we'll come with you," says Tim immediately, but a glance at both of them tells me that Becca is still having fun and Tim doesn't look too happy to be leaving either.

"No, s'ok," I mumble, a little slurred. "You guys stay here. Don't wanna ruin your night."

"Okay, if you're sure," Tim agrees finally and I nod.

"Don't worry, Jack will take good care of me. Won't you, Jack?" I look up at him pleadingly.

"'Course I will," he smiles, adjusting his hold on me so that he's still keeping me up, but now we can walk side-by-side. As we make our way to the exit, I completely miss Max's eyes boring into the back of my head.

* * *

The journey home takes twice as long as it would normally would, mostly because I can't walk in a straight line and keep trying to go the wrong way. Jack keeps one arm around my waist and the other on my arm, steering me in the right direction. We don't speak much as we walk back. I'm not sure why Jack's so quiet, but in my case, I know that if I open my mouth to say something, I'll probably start crying and then I won't be able to stop. Stupid alcohol!

When we finally arrive home, Jack guides me to the living room couch and I sink into the cushions.

"I'll be right back," he tells me quietly and leaves the room.

I let my head fall back and close my eyes in a feeble attempt to make the sick feeling in my stomach go away. Why did I have to drink so much tonight? I really should know better: depression and alcohol do not mix, at least not for me.

"Here you go," Jack reappears with a glass of water and some painkillers. "Maybe these will help."

"Thanks," I say, opening my eyes and taking them from him as he takes a seat next to me. I swallow the painkillers quickly and then take a large gulp of the cold water. "Ughh, I feel like crap," I groan, placing the now empty glass on the coffee table. "And it's not just the booze."

"What's wrong?"

"I saw Max tonight, at the club," I say bitterly.

"Oh."

"He was with a girl. They were dancing," I inform him.

"Oh," he murmurs again, more softly this time and I feel his arm coming around my shoulders once again, holding me close to him.

Somewhere in the next few moments, we both shift on the couch and the next thing I know, we're facing each other and Jack is hugging me properly. The feeling of his arms around me, stroking my back is comforting and I am thankful that I have a friend like him to help me through this.

"Are you okay?" he pulls back and watches my face carefully.

I nod, a slight movement. "I will be. Eventually. I think"

His lips curve up into a small smile and he reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, don't hesitate to come and find me, Liz. You know I'll always be happy to help."

"Thank you, Jack. You really are a great friend," I tell him. He really is. Not many guys would sit here and listen to all of their female housemate's problems. He truly is one of a kind.

He just smiles and takes my hand. "Come on, let's get you upstairs. You look like you could do with some sleep."

I send him a grateful look and we make our way upstairs. Once Jack is satisfied that I'm alright on my own and that I'm not going to get lost on the way to the bathroom, he bids me goodnight and heads off to his own room. I get undressed slowly and wash my face, and eventually I'm lying on my back in bed, waiting for sleep to come, so I can forget about everything that happened tonight.

* * *

I wake up with a terrible headache the next morning and for a moment, I wonder why. Then it all comes flooding back to me. Last night. The club. Flavoured vodka. Max. I try to sit up, but immediately fall back to the pillow again, clutching my stomach in an unsuccessful attempt to make the nauseous feeling go away. Well, at least it's Saturday and I don't have classes today. Oh, wait, crap! It's not Saturday, it's Wednesday; and I have a two-hour lab at eleven o'clock. Why did I let Becca talk me into going out last night when I knew I'd have to spend two hours doing experiments the next day? Oh, that's right; I wasn't really in the state of mind yesterday to be thinking that far ahead.

After several minutes of trying, I finally manage to move my head enough to see the clock on my bedside table. Shit, it's ten o'clock already! I have so much to do before I can leave for class. I have to shower and get dressed and eat breakfast, not to mention finish off the assignment that's due for one of my afternoon classes. Except…I don't think I can move, let alone get ready to leave the house. Maybe if I just close my eyes for a minute and turn over…no wait, that's not going to work, I think I'm going to be sick. In a shot, I'm out of the bed and crouched on the bathroom floor, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. At this particular moment, I'm extremely glad that every single one of my housemates is either in class or at work.

I don't know how I manage it, but at eleven o'clock on the dot, I slide into my pre-assigned seat in the Biology lab and pull out my lab book, ready to start the class. My lab partner, Sarah, is already there and is busy organising the equipment we'll need for the experiment. I send her quick smile and mouth a 'hi' as I move to help her and she grins back for a moment, before frowning in concern.

"Hey, Liz. You don't look so good this morning," she tells me. As if I didn't know.

I roll my eyes in agreement. "Late night last night," I say in explanation.

"Ahh," she nods, an understanding expression appearing on her face.

I don't offer anything else and although she knows that I also broke up with my long-term boyfriend recently, she doesn't push the subject of either. We finish setting up our work and get started on the lab, discussing only the details of our experiment for the next two hours.

By one o'clock, I'm feeling somewhat better and definitely more awake than earlier, so after we finish up in the lab, I make my way to the student union. This morning, when I finally felt well enough to leave the bathroom and get ready for class, I found a note from Jack on the kitchen table saying that if I was up to it, he would meet me for lunch at the student union café after my lab and if for any reason I didn't make it, I should give him a call on his cell phone to let him know. Well, since I'm feeling…well perhaps not well enough to eat anything, but just about good enough to have something to drink at least…I'm on my way to meet him now.

As I round the corner to the union building, I hear raised voices, as if someone's trying to pick a fight. Curiosity getting the better of me, I quicken my steps, making my way towards the main entrance. I stop. The guy raising his voice is Max; and the guy he's laying into is none other than…my current best friend and confidant, Jack. I frown; what the hell is Max shouting at Jack for? For that matter, why is he even talking to him in the first place? It's not like the two of them have exactly been on speaking terms since we broke up. As far as I know, Jack hasn't even been in the same room as Max in weeks. What is going on? My question is answered a few moments later, when Max's voice rises considerably until he's full on yelling at my closest friend in Cambridge.

"Are you fucking her? Is that it?" I frown. What is he talking about? I've never heard him speak that way to anyone or about anyone before; especially not in public like this. "It's you, isn't it? You're the reason this is happening. You're the reason she doesn't want me. And God, it was right under my nose the entire time. I don't know why I didn't see it before, what with you two being so close and everything!"

He's talking about me. He's suggesting that Jack and I are…God, I can't even think it, let alone say it. I can feel myself shaking as the anger builds up inside of me. How dare he insinuate that we…? How dare he? I'm on the verge of marching over there and giving Max a piece of my mind, when Jack steps in, countering Max's unsubstantiated accusations.

"What the fuck is the matter with you, Max? Liz is my friend. How dare you accuse her of doing something like that, especially to you? Man, don't you get it? The girl is fucking in love with you!" he bursts out, and I can't keep the grateful smile off my face for his defence of me. But Max immediately sees red and I have to close my eyes at the force of his words.

"In love with me? What the fuck, Jack? Have you not been paying attention this last month? In case you forgot, we split up because she didn't _want_ me!" he shouts, obviously not caring that people are turning to watch.

"Love and want aren't always the same thing, Max," says Jack much more calmly than I would have expected. I feel the colour drain from my face, as I suddenly understand what he's trying to say to Max. "If you knew Liz as well as you think you do, maybe you would have figured that out."

Max frowns, his anger deflating a little, although mine is still running high. How could Max think that I'd ever cheat on him? I can feel my control slipping and my calm façade deteriorating rapidly. Oh, crap. Here come the tears.

"What the hell are you talking about? It's not my fault that she doesn't want me here with her!"

"Max, Liz is going through something right now, alright? Something that she can't control, and she's trying to deal with it the best she can. But she's not going to be able to do that with you going around throwing accusations at her friends. So, just back off, okay?"

It is only after I hear his words that I finally find my voice.

"You heard him, Max. Just back off," I shout through my tears as I approach the two of them. Both of their heads jerk up in surprise at my sudden appearance and both immediately look down guiltily, although for very different reasons, when they realise that they've been caught arguing. "Where do you get off accusing my friends of things they haven't done?" I address Max angrily. "Jack has nothing to do with what happened to us, okay?"

I feel the uncontrollable sobs begin in my throat and I raise my hand to cover my mouth. I don't wait for Max to reply; I just turn and run. I can vaguely hear Jack speaking harshly to Max and then his footsteps approaching as he starts after me. I don't wait for him to catch up, I just keep running and I don't stop until I've reached home. I unlock the door as quickly as I can and slam it shut behind me, only partly aware that Jack is hot on my heels and will most likely be arriving at the door in the next couple of minutes. I blindly climb the stairs to my room and when I'm finally inside, I don't even have the energy to reach the bed. Instead, I collapse to the floor next to it, curling into a ball as the tears and sadness engulf my entire being.

I just want to forget everything.

I want it all to go away.

I want my heart to stop hurting.

I am so caught up in my own misery that I don't even notice Jack as he enters my room. I don't open my eyes as he drops to his knees, whispering my name so incredibly despondently that I want to comfort _him_ as he scoops me up into his arms and rocks my limp form against his warm, comforting body. He simply holds me gently, stroking my hair and whispering words of comfort in my ears as I finally let go and break down completely.

Because that's what's happening to me, I'm having an emotional breakdown.

Gasping sobs are sweeping over my body and I am powerless to stop them. It's getting to the point that I can't breathe anymore, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself under control. All the pressure I've been feeling lately has become too much and it's caused me to snap; my entire existence, no matter how shaky and fragile it's been lately, is coming crashing down around me and I can do nothing but sit here and take it.

"Oh God, Jack…" I wail, my voice distraught. "I need help. I can't do this anymore. I just need this to go away. Please help me; I can't live like this anymore. I just can't cope…"

My desperate cries are suddenly interrupted by a sharp intake of breath and I feel Jack tense up, his hand stilling in my hair.

"Liz?" I know that voice, but I don't what to acknowledge that he's here, in my room, seeing me like this. "Oh God…Lizzie," he breathes. I hear his footsteps crossing the room, coming closer and I instinctively lean further into Jack. "I had no idea…please Lizzie, let me help you," he murmurs as his arms come around me, taking Jack's place, who seems to disappear into nothingness.

As he sits there with me on my bedroom floor, holding me tightly in his arms, gently rocking me back and forth, comforting me in a similar way to Jack, it's all I can do to keep myself from melting into him and letting him have complete control over me and my awful existence called life.

_TBC…_


	6. Chapter 6

**Part Six  
**

"I'm sorry," I manage through my tears, my face crumpling as my thoughts return to how messed up my life has become.

"Shh," he murmurs softly, running his hands up and down my back in a soothing motion as I lean my head against his chest. "It's okay."

We're still sitting on the floor beside my bed, but now Max's back is resting against it, his legs outstretched in front of him and he's gently cradling me in his arms. He held me earlier as I cried, great sobs wracking my body. He didn't ask any questions, just enfolded me in a warm hug and stroked his caring hands through my hair. I've lost track of what time it is by now; I know that I've missed my afternoon classes and that I'll end up with a low mark on my assignment for turning it in late; but here, in Max's arms, none of it seems to matter. There is a small part of my brain that's telling me he shouldn't be here, that we're broken up and I'm no longer his concern; but the other part, the larger part, is grateful that he's here, and that I can finally let go and take comfort in him.

"Talk to me, Lizzie," he says gently. "What happened?"

I shake my head sadly. I'm not sure if he's saying these things because he still cares; or if he feels he has to – out of obligation or something. After all, we've barely even _seen_ each other in a month, let alone had a conversation. But Max seems to sense my discomfort (something he always seems to be able to do) and his arms tighten around me.

"Hey, you can tell me, it's alright," he murmurs close to my ear. "I know we're not…together…right now, but I'd still like to be your friend. I promised you once that we would always be friends, and I still believe that's true. So, please, let me help you, Lizzie. As a friend."

As he speaks, I feel a flicker of something in my chest. Something I haven't felt in a long time, and it's just enough encouragement to give me the confidence to finally tell him everything.

I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding.

"It was about six months ago," I start slowly, my voice catching in my throat as I try to force the words out. I've only ever talked about this with Jack and it's a big step for me to let someone else in, someone who's been so close to me for so many years. It's harder than you'd think to admit to your closest friend that you've screwed up your life. It feels like I've let everyone down, let Max down, and I'm scared what he's going to think of me once he's heard everything I have to say.

I take a deep breath to get myself under control.

"I don't know why it happened; all I know is that one morning, after a night out with Becca, I woke up and something had changed. It was like there was a black cloud hanging over my head, making me feel sad inside...and it…it just hasn't gone away yet." My voice cracks at the end and as I bury my face into Max's shirt, I can feel fresh tears leaking from my eyes. He doesn't say anything, he just holds me as I continue. "At first, I just thought I was having a bad couple of days." I shrug, "Like PMS or something – but a whole week passed, then two and it kept getting worse. Suddenly I would burst into tears over nothing, or I'd watch a film and find myself wishing that I could be living that life instead of my own, and it made me sad. Before long, I was crying myself to sleep every night, wishing that I could be someone or somewhere else…" I trail off, lost in the memory of how I spent those first few weeks, before I resigned myself to the fact that I'm depressed. I have depression. And I have no idea how to get rid of it and start acting normal again.

"Liz…" Max's voice cracked as he speaks for the first time since I started telling him my story. "Liz, why didn't you tell me about this? Maybe I could have done something to help...." He sounds timid and unsure, and I know what he's thinking. He's wondering if maybe it's his fault that my life took a downhill turn. He's speculating that if I was unhappy with my life as it was, maybe I was unhappy with him.

"I couldn't, Max. I just…couldn't," I say, knowing that it's not really what he wants to hear.

"Liz, I…"

I shake my head. "It wasn't you, Max. When I felt like I wanted someone else's life, it didn't mean that I didn't want you. It's me that's screwed up here; it's me that hates who she is. God," I cry, the words spilling out now. "I can't even bring myself to feel anymore; I can no longer feel the love for you that I know is in my heart. It's like my emotions have just shut off and I'm just a shell of the person I used to be; and I hate it. I hate feeling like this and not being able to make it go away. I just want it to go away." I'm full on crying now, clutching Max's shirt in my hand as I lean into him, his warm hands stroking my back comfortingly.

"Liz," he murmurs above my head when I begin to calm down a little. "Have you spoken to anyone about this? Does anyone else know what you're going through?"

"Only Jack," I tell him, frowning as I feel him stiffen slightly. "He found me in the kitchen one afternoon. I was in tears trying to chop some vegetables," I sniff. "He got me to tell him what was going on, but I made him promise not to tell anyone."

"Why?"

"I didn't want people thinking that I was fragile or unstable. So I just put on a brave face and pretended to be happy."

I feel Max nod against the top of my head. "I saw you last night, at the club; you looked happy then," he tells me, adding, "I thought you and Jack were…"

At his words, I shake my head quickly. "No, Max. We've never…I don't have feelings for Jack. It's only ever been you."

Behind me, Max lets out a relieved sigh.

"And besides," I add sadly, "with the state of mind I've been in recently, I doubt I could feel anything for anyone else anyway."

"Oh, Lizzie…" If it's possible, he hugs me even tighter. "Is this why you were so distant with me those first few weeks after I got here?"

Ashamed, I nod into his chest. "I didn't know how else to deal with feeling like I couldn't love properly anymore, so I lashed out at you," I tell him. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," he cuts in, "I shouldn't have yelled at Jack today. I shouldn't have suggested we take a break. I should have helped you get through this instead."

"No, Max. You did what you thought was best. I couldn't go on pretending to be happy with you, when really I wasn't. It would have just made things worse. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship right now; I need to sort my own life out first. I want to get better, Max. I want to be normal again."

"And I'm going to help you do that, Liz," he tells me determinedly. "We're going to get you better. Together."

Fresh tears well up in my eyes as his soft words reach my ears. There's that flicker of a feeling again, a slight lurch in my chest, and a small smile tugs at my lips.

"Thank you," I whisper, closing my eyes as a couple of teardrops leak out and begin to slide down my cheeks; but this time, they're tears of relief, after months of keeping everything bottled up inside.

We sit there on the floor in silence for a few minutes, just taking in everything that's just transpired between us. There's still a lot that hasn't been said, but right now, it's not necessary. I'm sure we cold have stayed like that all day, if it hadn't been for the loud grumble of my stomach that almost seemed to echo around the otherwise silent room. I feel, rather than hear Max chuckle softly at the sound.

"Sorry," I apologise weakly, glancing up at his face for the first time since he arrived her. "I haven't eaten today."

"No problem," he smiles. "Let's get you something to eat."

He urges me to sit up and then pulls me to my feet. As I stand to my full height, I find myself face to face with him. He's gazing down at me intently and I have to fight the urge to look away. I'm sure I must look absolutely awful at the moment – mascara streaks running down my cheeks, red nose, puffy, bloodshot eyes – but he doesn't seem to care. The next thing I know, his arms are wrapped tightly around me and my face is buried in his neck. I allow my own arms to loop around his neck and we cling to each other. You have no idea how good it feels to be hugged by him again, now that he knows my secrets.

Eventually, I feel him press a comforting kiss to the top of my head and he lets go of me. Somehow knowing how tired and in need of relaxation I am, he pulls back my bedcovers and fluffs up my pillow against the headboard. Then he helps me into the bed, pulls the covers up to my chin and hands me Mr. Snuggles, my favourite childhood stuffed teddy bear. Mr. Snuggles has been with me through everything; he comforted me when my rabbit died twelve years ago, he was my confidant when I got my first crush, he helped me get over my initial homesickness when I first started at Harvard, and now he's the most welcome sight in the world.

"Here you go," says Max, with a small smile. "Mr. Snuggles will look after you while I find you something to eat."

I send him a grateful smile and clutch Mr. Snuggles to my chest as I pull my legs up in front of me. "Don't be long," I tell him.

"I won't," he assures me. "So, what do you fancy for dinner?"

I shrug. "I don't mind; whatever you can find. I'll leave it up to you; after all, you know what I like."

"Okay," he says, making his way to the door. He stops just before he leaves the room and turns back to me. "I'll be back up in a minute."

I nod and he disappears from the room. I hear him walk down the stairs and then the murmur of male voices floating up from the kitchen. With a loud exhale of air, I lean my head back against the wall. I've finally confided my feelings to Max and it's like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I know I have a long way to go until I'm better, but at least this is a start.

* * *

_Saturday March 5__th__ 2005_

_It's been 3 days since I told Max the truth about what I've been going through recently. Even though we weren't even speaking a week ago, he seems to have seamlessly slipped right back into his best friend role, with barely a mention of how things ended between us last month. Although I know that we can't ignore what happened then, right now I'm grateful that he's not pressuring me about it._

_On Wednesday, he cooked one of my favourite dinners, and sat with me the entire time while I ate. After he'd taken the empty plates downstairs, he made me scoot up in the bed and tried to cheer me up by watching Friends DVD's with me all evening. He knelt by the bed, stroking my hair as I drifted off to sleep, and then when I woke up on Thursday morning, I found him sat downstairs in the kitchen with Jack, and they were actually holding a civilised conversation. By the looks on their faces as I entered, I could tell that they'd been talking about me, and my situation, but for once I didn't mind. I know they both have my best interests at heart._

_After breakfast, Max walked me to the university's counselling offices and encouraged me to make an appointment to talk to someone. You know, a year ago I would never have even guessed that I might someday need to see a counsellor, but I know I need to get some help. I can't do this alone any more and just having Max and Jack to talk to isn't going to get to the root of my problems…_

The shrill sound of the phone suddenly interrupts my train of thought and I put down my pen as I pick up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how are you doing?"

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. It's Max. Again. He's being really sweet and has called me to see how I'm doing. The problem is, this is the sixth time he's done it in the last two days.

"I'm still fine, Max," I exclaim, slightly annoyed. "Really."

I had my first counselling session yesterday, with a lovely woman named Dr. Jones. She was really kind and understanding as I told her how I'd been feeling lately and assured me that I definitely wasn't the only person to go through something like this. Although I kind of already knew that, hearing her actually say it somehow made me feel a bit better about everything. It was like another weight had been lifted and I actually felt a flicker of hope that maybe I would finally be able to feel like myself again.

"Okay, okay…I'm annoying you, aren't I?" Max's voice brings me back to the present and I almost smile at his apologetic tone.

"Just a little bit," I inform him. "And before you ask; no, I don't need you to come round and see me today. Becca and I are having a girls' day. Just us," I say. "No guys allowed," I add for emphasis.

See, Max has come to the conclusion that now he knows what's wrong with me, he has to check on me and make sure I'm okay every minute of the day. It's like he thinks that if he leaves me alone for a moment, I'll burst into tears like I did on Wednesday. And you know what? He's probably right. Being on my own just gives me more time to dwell on everything that's gone wrong in my life; but what Max doesn't seem to get is that there are other people that I can spend time with and not just him. Besides, I've decided that I really ought to tell Becca about my depression; after all, she is one of my best friends here. She deserves to know.

"But actually, there is something I wanted to ask you," I tell him then.

"Oh?"

"But not over the phone," I add quickly. "Can you come over tomorrow? We can talk then."

"Um…sure," agrees Max. He sounds a little confused and I feel kind of guilty for not elaborating a bit. Thing is, I really don't want to ask him this over the phone.

"Okay, great." I glance at the clock. "Look, I'd better go now, otherwise Becca's going to be breaking my door down in a minute and demanding to know why I'm not ready to leave."

"Alright. Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then," he almost sounds disappointed. "What time? In the morning?"

"Sure, I'll give you a call when I'm awake," I tell him, knowing that he's likely to be up before me anyway.

"Okay, then. Well…Bye, Liz." His goodbye sounds a little stilted, like he hasn't quite gotten used to not saying 'I love you' at the end of the conversation. To be honest, it wasn't so hard for me to stop saying it. By the end, it was becoming quite an effort to force the words out of my mouth anyway.

"Bye, Max." I listen for him to hang up his end, before clicking my phone off. I sit on the bed for a moment, before exhaling loudly and standing up to get ready for a day of shopping with my housemate.

* * *

"Oh my God, that dress was so gorgeous!" Becca exclaims dramatically as we exit the clothes store and head towards the mall's food court. "I think I'm gonna have to go back and buy it later."

I suppress a snort of laughter at her proclamation. We both know that she'll be going back to buy the dress after lunch. Once she gets an idea in her head, she just can't let it go until she's either resolved it…or bought it. Wide-eyed and faking an innocent expression, Becca turns to me as if she's surprised at my muffled reaction, but the moment our eyes meet, we both crack up. Still sniggering, we pick up some food at Panda Express and take a seat at one of the bright, plastic tables in the food court.

"So," she says a few minutes later. "I've noticed that you and Max have become pretty chummy the last couple of days. You guys back on again?"

"Um…" I swallow, glancing down at my food so as to avoid her intense gaze. I'd almost forgotten that she doesn't know what's been going on with me lately. Oh well, I guess that now is as good a time as any to tell her. "No, actually, we're not. Back together, that is," I clarify.

Becca frowns in confusion. "But you and he…I mean, he spent the night Wednesday, didn't he?" When I nod in confirmation, she continues with a shake of her head, "Oh, Liz, please don't tell me you guys did the one-night-stand thing. I couldn't bear that – you guys are my inspiration for how to maintain a good relationship!" I almost laugh at her mortified expression; I didn't think Becca was capable of staying with one guy for more than a couple of weeks.

"No, no, it was nothing like that," I reassure her quickly. "Max crashed on the living room couch that night." I pause before launching into the difficult task of revealing the real reason for Max's presence that night to her. "Becca, there's something I need to tell you."

"Oh, God!" She leans towards me, lowering her voice slightly. "You're not…_pregnant_, are you?"

"No, I'm not pregnant," I assure her quickly. "It has to do with why Max and I broke up and also why he's been around the last few days."

"Go on," she urges, sounding both curious and sympathetic now.

"Well, okay…it's actually not so much to do with Max, but more to do with me. I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't really been feeling myself for the last few months," I start.

She frowns, "What do you mean? Apart from these few weeks, you've seemed fine to me."

"I guess I've been hiding it pretty well, then," I reply. "Look, Becca, the truth is…I've been suffering from depression since September."

It's not as hard as you might think to get those words out; in fact, it's actually a relief. I've known what's been happening to me for a while now, but I've just been too chicken to confide in anyone (except Jack, that is). God, it took a very public shouting match between him and Max for me to finally break.

Becca's expression softens, "Depression? Liz…I'm sorry, I didn't know. Why didn't you say anything? You know we're all here for you, right?"

I nod, "I know that, I do, but I just couldn't. I guess I didn't want my problems to spill over into your lives."

"So, you didn't tell anyone, not even Max?"

"No, Max didn't find out until this week, but Jack did know. I kind of had to tell him a few months ago." I don't elaborate, but even so, I think she's got the picture.

"You told Jack…" she muses for a moment. "Wow, everything makes so much more sense now!" she exclaims suddenly.

I just watch her, a puzzled expression creeping across my face. What makes sense now?

"Tim and I…we kind of thought that you and Jack might be…you know," she says, with raised eyebrows. "And maybe that was the real reason you and Max broke up."

I shake my head violently as the thought of being intimate with Jack pops into my head. God, no! I can't even imagine being with anyone else except Max. Only problem right now is that I can't seem to feel the way I'm supposed to about him.

"Me and Jack? No way. We're friends and that's all we've ever been," I reassure her. "He's been really great actually. In fact, I don't think I could have got through these months as well as I did, if I hadn't had him to talk to."

Becca sits back in her chair, her hand to her chest. "Phew, thank god for that. I didn't want to have to be around when that little love triangle came out in the open."

"Well, there's definitely no danger of that!" I tell her with a chuckle, before sobering quickly and looking over at her. "Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this before. I guess I really shouldn't have kept it all to myself for so long, but Max knows now and he's going to help me get through it," I say, more confidently than I'm feeling, adding, "I've started going to counselling."

"Hey, that's great. You'll get through this; don't worry, Liz. And you know we'll always be here for you if you need to talk. Anytime."

"Thanks, Bex. Thank you for understanding."

"Not a problem, Liz," she smiles. "That's what friends are for."

In relief, I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding and return to my food. I'm glad it's out in the open now. Maybe this was what I needed all along to help me get better.

* * *

I actually get a good night's sleep that night, after Becca and I enjoy a night at the movies and a good gossip over hot chocolate in the living room. It's like I don't have to pretend to be happy and hide how I'm feeling anymore. In fact, I think I actually have a smile on my face when I wake up in the morning.

I call Max at ten-fifteen and we arrange to meet at the coffee shop on the corner of his road. He's already there when I arrive; his jacket-covered back to me, and his head down, as if he's reading something. As I get close enough to peer over his shoulder, I realise that he is in fact nursing a steaming cup of coffee and his gaze is focused on the swirling foam resting on the top as he stirs the liquid mindlessly.

"Hey," I announce quietly, moving round the table so that I'm face-to-face with him. He looks up with a small smile. "Thanks for meeting me," I say as I slip into the seat across from him.

"No problem." He stops stirring his coffee and places the spoon on the napkin on the table beside the mug. "So, you said you wanted to ask me something?"

Wow, he's being direct this morning; I've barely gotten settled in my seat yet!

"Um, yeah," I reply. "I do. But just let me get some coffee first; I'm not totally awake yet."

He nods and I make my way over to the counter to order a drink. Less than five minutes later, we're sat opposite each other at the table again. There's a short period of silence between us as I shrug off my coat and take a tentative sip of the very hot drink in front me. It's not really an uncomfortable silence, just a strange one. It's weird; one minute Max and I are just like normal – best friends like we used to be back in high school – and the next, the memories of the last couple of years come back and we're slightly uncomfortable being in each other's presence.

"So," I start eventually. "I wanted to ask you a favour; a pretty big one, actually."

"Okay…what is it?"

"I know we're not…a couple…right now and that I haven't been treating you that well recently, but I want to you understand how I've been feeling and what I've been going through."

"Alright…" Max is watching me intently at this point; as if studying my face will somehow tell him what I'm going to ask.

"And, well, the best way I think that can happen is if…you come with me when I go to see Dr. Jones," I continue quickly. "Max, I want you to be there, in the room with me, during my sessions with her. I want you to be involved with this too, because I want us to get through this and I think that it would help if you knew exactly what's been going on with me. So, Max, will you come; please?"

"Of course I will, Liz," he assures me warmly. "Whatever you need to make this easier for you, I'm here to help. As long as it's not against the rules or anything – I don't want to be an unwelcome presence."

"Oh, no, it's perfectly okay. I asked Dr. Jones at the end of our meeting on Friday and she agreed that if I thought it would help, then by all means, you should come along too."

"Okay then, I'll be there. When's your next appointment?"

"Tuesday afternoon," I inform him. "And I have another on Thursday at the same time – four o'clock."

He smiles, "Well, it just so happens that I'm free then, so how about we meet outside the building just before four?"

"Okay, great."

We share a friendly glance and then turn back to our rapidly cooling drinks. We end up spending almost two hours sitting there in the coffee shop, talking about this and that. It's nice to spend time with Max again, without the pressure of having to be anything more than just a friend to him right now.

_TBC…_


	7. Chapter 7

**Part Seven**

I don't see Max again until Tuesday, which is when we agreed to meet up before my second counselling session. It's strange that after only meeting with Dr. Jones once, I actually feel much better about my situation. It's like, now that someone's told me that what I'm going through is pretty common, it's doesn't seem quite so bad as I thought. As I approach the counselling services building at five to four, I notice that Max is already there. I smile at how he looks almost nervous, wrapped up in a coat, as he waits for me. Watching him from this distance, it's like I can forget for a moment that anything bad happened between us at all and I can look at him like I used to – like he's the only guy in the world.

But the moment is broken when he looks up and sees me walking towards him. Suddenly I'm back in the present again, the fact that my problems made such a mess of our relationship slamming back into me. I manage a weak smile as I reach Max and stop just in front of him.

"Hey."

"Hey," he replies. "You alright?"

"Yeah," I reply. We stand there for a moment, neither one of us making a move to go inside, until I can't bear it any longer. "So, shall we go in?"

"Sure."

We turn to face the door and there's a slight hesitation from Max, as he seems about to take my hand, but then pulls away and opens the door for me instead. I sigh inwardly. Have I really made the right choice in asking him to be involved like this? Or is it just going to be too hard on both of us? I don't have much time to dwell on it though, because it's time for my appointment with Dr. Jones. _Here we go_, I think as I enter her office with Max in tow. _This is when Max finds out just how screwed up I really am and realises that I'm not worth the trouble._

Okay, so I know that I was the one who asked him to come with me, but now I'm having second thoughts about him knowing all the private things that have been going on in my mind lately. Suddenly I'm hit with an irrational fear that after this, he's going to turn his back and walk away. I'll admit that I have been acting like a bitch towards him this year, but the thought of him leaving my life completely, when I'm as vulnerable as I am right now, makes me want to scream in pain.

How did my emotions get so screwed up like this? One minute I can't stand Max smothering me with his attention and the next I can't bear for him to walk away.

God, I'm an idiot, aren't I? I should have just come clean with Max and got help when it first started. Then maybe this wouldn't be happening now.

I'm so caught up in my inner debate that I barely notice as Max informs the receptionist that we're here and then guides me down the corridor to Dr. Jones' office. It's only when we stop outside her door and Max asks me if I'm totally sure I want him here that I snap out of it, and then make up my mind that despite my sudden paranoia, I really do want him to understand what's wrong with me.

* * *

"And how did you cope with those feelings, Liz?" Dr. Jones asks gently. There are tears steaming down my face as she makes me relive those awful weeks back in September and October.

"I didn't," I state softly, my voice hitching slightly as I speak. "Not really. All I could do was curl up in a ball and let them wash over me. I felt so helpless and unhappy. I didn't know what else I could do."

I don't dare glance at Max, who is sitting in a chair just a foot away from me, but I know that he's watching me carefully. He's probably wearing an expression of concern and worry for me, and I don't want to see that in his eyes right now.

"So, you didn't talk to anyone about what was happening?"

I shake my head. "I couldn't. I didn't think anyone would understand, and I felt like I'd be burdening them or something," I admit. Out of the corner of my downcast gaze, I can see Max straighten in his seat, his feet changing position slightly on the floor.

Dr. Jones doesn't say anything about my reply, but moves right on; something I'm glad of. "But you did tell your friend Jack eventually." I nod. "Why did you feel comfortable enough to confide in him and not anybody else?" she asks then, but I can hear the unspoken question. _Why not Max?_

I glance up to find her looking me, her expression sympathetic. I shrug, "I don't know. I didn't want to tell him, but he caught me crying one day and I couldn't deny that something was wrong. After that, I guess he became my confidant. I'm not really sure why I felt I could talk to him. Maybe it was because he wasn't as close to me as Max. I felt I could talk to him without any pressure to be a girlfriend to him."

Again, I still can't look at Max, but I do find myself wondering what he's thinking about all this. I know that he needs to know, but I really hope that it doesn't change his opinion of me.

I needn't have worried though, because suddenly a warm hand slips into mine and squeezes gently. Slowly, I raise my eyes to find Max looking at me with a mixture of both sympathy and concern.

"Liz, it's okay," he tells me, his voice just above a whisper. "I understand."

I'm relieved that he's being so accommodating about this and also grateful that he's putting his own feelings aside to help me, and so I smile at him through my tears, my hand tightening around his slightly to assure him that I appreciate his concern.

"Liz," Dr. Jones interrupts our moment in an attempt to get my attention once more. "Can you think of anything that might have brought all this on? Could this depression have been related to any particular event in your life or maybe something you felt like you were missing?" she asks gently.

I certainly didn't expect her question, but as I sit in the chair, Max's hand still clutching mine, I begin to think back over my life. Has anything ever happened to me that might have caused me to become depressed? I can't think of anything major or life changing, but still…

"There is…something," I start hesitantly. I feel Max's fingers squeeze mine, as if in preparation of hearing what I have to say. "It's nothing bad," I reassure him. "It's just…when I was growing up and becoming a teenager, I guess I never really felt like I was that important to people. Until Max, that was," I tell her.

"Can you elaborate, Liz?"

I suck in a breath, "Well, don't get me wrong; I come from a loving, caring family, but I just don't think I felt that anybody could really love me…as in 'I want to spend forever with you' love me. No one…except for my grandmother," I roll my eyes, "ever told me that I was beautiful. Not even my boyfriends," I admit. "Max is the only person who's ever said that to me and really meant it."

A small sound comes from beside me and I turn my head to find Max gazing at me with this expression on his face. I don't know if I can describe it. He looks almost… sorrowful.

My eyes fixed on Max, I continue, "Lately, all my fears that I won't be able to have someone to spend the rest of my life with keep coming back. Even though I was with you, Max, some part of me still doubted that we could really be happy and that you would really want to spend the rest of your life with me. I was sure that eventually, you would get tired of me and not want me anymore." My voice cracks as I finish the sentence and I can do nothing to stop the tears falling once more.

"Lizzie…" Max's free hand comes up to swipe away the fresh tears.

"I'm sorry, Max. I'm so sorry," I cry suddenly. "I didn't want us to break up; I didn't want to hurt you, but I had no idea how to stop feeling the way I did; the way I still do." I stop for a moment to take a breath. "I guess subconsciously, I was trying to shield myself from what I thought might happen in the future. If I began to shut you out, then it wouldn't hurt so much when you finally decided that I wasn't enough for you."

There, I've finally admitted my innermost worries and feelings to the man who means so much to me.

"After a while, it was like I just stopped enjoying what we had, and after that I didn't even _let_ myself enjoy it. I guess you coming here was the last straw. I actually had to admit that something was wrong with me and that it wasn't just my mind playing tricks because we were thousands of miles apart…God, I'm sorry," I choke out finally, very much aware of Max's intense gaze as his fingers gently stroke my cheek.

When I finally pluck up the courage to lift my eyes to his, I almost gasp. He's crying too. I haven't seen Max cry often. The only times he ever cried during our relationship were when we had to say goodbye to each other at the end of Summer and Christmas vacations. Before that, I think the last time I saw him cry was when he was 9 and his dog died. I don't even think he cried when we broke up last month.

We stay like that, just looking at each other through tear-filled eyes for several moments, until Dr. Jones clears her throat and breaks the moment again. Max's fingers leave my face and drop down to our entwined hands, effectively encasing my right hand with both of his.

"Liz, Max. I think we'd better leave it there for today," she starts softly. Startled, I glance at the clock on her desk in the corner of the room. She's right; the hour is almost up. I nod carefully and she smiles. "Okay, then." She looks between the two of us before continuing, "I'm pleased with the progress we've made today, Liz. You're really coming along." I smile gratefully. "So, I'll see you both again on Thursday, same time."

I glance quickly at Max and then we both nod. As we give Dr. Jones our thanks and say goodbye, Max tenderly takes my arm and we exit the building. Once outside, I let out a huge relieved sigh at what has just transpired; and then suddenly I'm in Max's arms as he holds me tightly against him.

"I'm so sorry that you've been going through all this," he whispers as he squeezes me lightly and then pulls back to face me. I must look a mess, I still have tears streaking my cheeks and my eyes are stinging. Max's hands rise to cup my face as he stares down at me, a tender expression on his face. "I know you didn't feel like you could tell me about it, but just know this: anytime you have a problem, or just feel upset, you can come to me. No matter whether we're together or friends or what, I'll help you. Promise me you'll come to me, Liz. Please?"

I swallow, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. This is the first time in a long time that my tears have not been because I'm upset, but instead because someone has said something so incredibly meaningful to me that I'm overwhelmed with emotion.

"I promise, Max," I whisper and he smiles, pulling me into a hug again.

I really do mean it, too. I don't want to lose him. I just want to love him again.

* * *

_Thursday March 10__th__ 2005_

_For once, something is actually starting to go right in my life. I mean, I know I have a long way to go until I'm back to normal again, but I've managed to smile more in the last two days than I have in the last six months; and it's all been down to Max. I am _so_ grateful to him for everything he's done for me during the past week. But before you ask, we're not back together, not even close; but Max has been pretty much the best friend a girl could have these last few days._

_He was really supportive during and also after my counselling session on Tuesday. He just held me while I cried outside the building and then held my hand as we walked through the campus back towards home. Actually, we'd almost reached my house when I decided that I couldn't face being back within the confined walls of my small room and so what did he do? He invited me to come over to his apartment for an evening of videos and takeout with his roommates, that's what._

_And if that wasn't enough, when we were walking home after my session with Dr. Jones this afternoon, he said he had a surprise for me. Since it's Spring Break next week and I could do with having some time away from Cambridge right now, he's arranged a trip for us (just as friends, of course), in memory of our road trip after high school graduation more than two years ago. He won't tell me exactly where we're going yet, but he's assured me that it's someplace nice and relaxing – just what I need._

_God, I could just kiss him right now!_

_But of course, I won't. Not yet, in any case. I'm not going to play with either of our emotions right now; they're just too fragile. Maybe when I'm better and thinking clearly again…maybe then we can re-evaluate our relationship…_

"Man, is he just the perfect guy, or what?" I fight the urge to roll my eyes at Becca's gushing outburst over Max and his Spring Break Vacation proposal. "I mean, you guys are broken up, a week ago you weren't even speaking and now he's gone right back to being there for you when you need him most. God, I wish I could find a guy who would do that for _me_."

Although her tone is light-hearted, I detect a hint of jealousy in it. Becca might be a self-proclaimed party girl, but I know that deep down she wants what any girl does: a loving, stable, long-term relationship with the love of her life. She's always saying that she's too young and carefree to settle down yet, but sometimes I can see the look of longing in her eyes when she sees a happy couple walking down the street.

"Hey, you'll find someone, Bex, I know you will," I reassure her with a smile, something that is starting to become a lot more frequent for me now.

She briefly returns the smile, a hint of gratefulness in her expression, before she shrugs somewhat uncomfortably and changes the subject.

"So, Lizzie, dish the dirt…what's really going on between you two? Tim and I have a bet going on how long it's gonna take you to get it on again," she grins, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

I have to smile at her blunt delivery. You would think that she might be a little more sensitive over the subject, especially since she knows what's been going on with me lately; but I don't take offence to it. I can't, because I know she's trying not to make a big deal over it or make me feel out of place and I'm actually grateful for it. I don't want this to get in the way of the friendship we share. I decide to play along with her suggestive comments.

"Well, you know, I was so excited about going away with him for Spring Break that I jumped him right here on the couch," I tell her seriously, whilst desperately trying not to grin. "Twice."

"Oh my God, eww!" Becca shrieks suddenly, practically leaping off the couch in disgust. "I did _not_ want to know that!"

I can't stop the corners of my mouth turning up at her reaction. I roll my eyes at her. "Oh relax, Bex. I'm just kidding."

Her hand goes to her heart as she falls back to the couch, tossing her long blonde locks to one side. "Oh, thank God! Man, don't scare me like that, Liz." She exhales in relief, before turning serious again. "So you guys are friends again, then?"

"Yeah," I nod. "I think it's what we both need right now. I know that I'm not ready to be his girlfriend again yet and I'm sure that Max hasn't quite gotten over what happened between us last month. It's just not the right time yet. If we were to get back together again now, we'd just end up back in the same position as before. I can't give him what he needs right now and I won't be able to until I've worked through all of this and gotten better."

Becca nods in understanding. "Well then, I guess I'll repeat what I said earlier. Max Evans is the perfect guy; although I guess the real test will be next week when you're off travelling to god knows where, just the two of you."

I simply shake my head at the comment and roll my eyes again; like I'm dismissing her words as a load of rubbish, but inside I actually feel my stomach begin to twist in knots. She's right. Max is being totally and completely perfect in this whole situation, that I almost can't believe it. But at the same time, I'm a little apprehensive about spending an entire week alone with Max. He's assured me that he's just being a friend, but what if something happens that I'm not ready for? I'm not saying that Max would try to take advantage of me or anything; but say something did happen…what would I do? I don't think I could handle anything more than having Max as a friend right now.

I'm prevented from having to say anything more by the sound of a key turning in the front door and then the squeak of hinges as it opens (that's student housing for you).

"Hey, anybody home?" It's Jack, back from a gruelling hour at the gym. Trust me, I know. He's got this thing about not wanting his non-roommate friends to think he's gay because two of his best friends are female, and so last year he started going to the gym a lot to build up his strength. He also insisted on dragging the rest of us along too. Becca only made it through two sessions; Tim hung on for two weeks, and me…well I still go with him occasionally, although I can't say that I've put in enough effort to actually make a difference to my fitness level.

"Hey, Jack," calls Becca cheerily. "We're in the living room."

I hear movement coming from the hallway as Jack kicks off his trainers and drops his gym bag to the floor. A second later, he appears in the doorway, his dark blond hair still damp from working out.

"Good evening, ladies," he grins. "Look who I found wandering around outside all on his lonesome."

He gestures to his left and suddenly another head pops round the door. Surprise, surprise, it's Max.

"Hey," he shrugs sheepishly as he enters the room fully. "Sorry, I didn't want to…I'm not intruding, am I?"

I glare at Becca as she sends a speculative, 'just friends, huh?' look my way, before turning to face Max.

"No, not at all. Come and join us," I invite, gesturing the boys towards the spare seats on the couch and armchair opposite us. "We were just…" I start, but then realise that I can't tell him what we were talking about – he was the main topic of conversation.

"Trying to decide what type of pizza to order for dinner tonight," Becca cuts in quickly. "We were thinking…pepperoni. How about it, guys?"

Max glances at me quickly as he takes a seat in the armchair, before turning to Becca and shrugging. "Sure, pepperoni sounds great."

"Yeah, for me too," adds Jack, plopping down beside me on the couch as Becca reaches for the phone to call the pizza delivery company.

For a moment, I'm sure I see a flash of jealousy in Max's eyes when Jack sits down next to me, but a second later it's gone and he relaxes. I let out a relieved breath and quick turn my attention to the magazine lying haphazardly on the coffee table. Max knows that there's nothing between Jack and I, but I guess if _he_ had another female best friend that he was as close to as I am to Jack, I might feel a bit out of place in a similar situation. But at the same time, we're just friends right now and it _was_ Max's choice to sit in the chair opposite us instead of on the couch with me, so he can't really complain, now can he?

As I sit there, my gazed fixed on the shiny magazine cover, my excitement over the day's most recent events seems to just disappear and my mood shifts. I sigh, feeling the telltale lump begin to form in my throat for the second time today. I look up from the coffee table, only to find my eyes locking with Max's who's obviously been watching me since he sat down. There's something in his gaze, sympathy almost, that prevents me from looking away, and suddenly it's like I'm right back in Dr. Jones' office this afternoon, spilling my guts to both her and Max.

_Four hours earlier_

"_Okay, Liz, can you tell me how you felt when Max told you he would be coming to Harvard this semester?" Dr. Jones is trying her best to sound as if talking about this stuff should be no big deal, but the truth is, it hurts. It hurts even to think about how I felt three months ago. I know that getting all this out in the open is the best thing to do and that I'm not going to be able to move on until I've worked through my pain, but it's just so hard to relive it all over again._

_But I have to do this. I close my eyes briefly to gather my thoughts, before I start. I try not to think about the fact that Max is sitting right next to me listening intently to everything I say. _

"_Okay, well," I begin, "when Max called me with his big news, I wasn't really having a good day." I deliberately keep my gaze fixed on Dr. Jones, not even sparing Max a glance; because I know that if I so much as look at him, I will lose my nerve. "I mean, of course I was happy that he was going to be here in Cambridge and that he'd been offered this great opportunity…" I trail off then, not knowing how to continue._

"_But…?"_

"_But, I guess I just wasn't as happy as I'd always imagined I'd be if we ever found a way to be close to each other," I tell her, the words just spilling from my mouth._

"_Why didn't you say anything?" The question comes from Max; the first words he's spoken since we started this session. I turn my head; he's looking at me, but there's no animosity in his gaze, just…confusion, I guess. "You acted like you were happy to see me at Christmas."_

_I clutch my hands together in my lap in an almost nervous gesture. "I didn't really know what I felt at that point," I say, switching my gaze between Max and Dr. Jones, and back to Max again as I speak. "Don't get me wrong, I [/i]was[i] happy to see you, Max. We hadn't seen each other in months. The thing was," I address Dr. Jones this time. "I felt okay over Christmas vacation. I was happier than I'd been in months; Max and I were together again and I was surrounded by my family and friends. I could almost put my problems behind me and enjoy myself again. But it didn't last. By the time Max and I were getting ready to come back here, everything just started to escalate and I felt miserable again."_

"_And what happened when you two arrived here in Cambridge? How did you feel about Max being so close?"_

"_At first, I suppose I was happy. We spent time together, went out on a few dates," I glance at Max and he sends me a small, encouraging smile. I'm glad he's not feeling awkward about the fact that I'm telling a stranger about our private lives. I turn my head to the doctor once more; she's jotting something down on the pad in front of her and nodding slightly._

"_Forgive me if this a sensitive subject, but what about intimacy? Were the two of you – "_

"_Having sex?" I supply bluntly, but then suddenly feel embarrassed as Dr. Jones clears her throat and Max shifts in his seat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to – never mind."_

"_No, that is what I meant. Is this something you're comfortable talking about?"_

_I glance quickly at Max beside me, but apart from the slight flush creeping across his cheeks, he just nods briefly, giving me the okay._

"_Yeah, we were, um…sexually active," I admit. "Until we broke up a few weeks ago…" I hesitate, not really sure whether to say anything more._

"_Liz, what is it?" asks Max in concern, as he leans closer to me._

"_I just…I don't want you to be offended or anything," I practically whisper._

_His expression falls for a moment, his brows furrowing, but then he relaxes. "Just say it, get everything out, okay? What's important is that we get you better. So don't worry about hurting my feelings right now, I'll handle it, okay?"_

_I watch him carefully and eventually nod, but I'm still a little apprehensive about him hearing every little detail. So, I make sure to fix my eyes on Dr. Jones as I speak._

"_It just…I guess it wasn't really the same for me as it had been before," I say finally. "I mean, _physically, _nothing had changed between us, but I just couldn't seem to get involved emotionally when we made love. I'm not saying that I didn't…enjoy…being with Max again, but I no longer felt that rush of love that I used to feel for him. And the frustrating thing was that I knew it was still there, buried somewhere deep inside me, but I just couldn't get to it."_

_Dr. Jones just nods thoughtfully as I spill my guts to them both, but somewhere during my speech, Max's hand slips into mine and squeezes; a reassurance that he's supporting me in this. I know that he must have questions and is most likely more than a little hurt by my confession, but he seems to be able to push it to one side for now…_

Somewhere in the background, I can hear Becca finishing up the pizza order on the phone, but my thoughts are still with Max and this afternoon. After the session, he assured me that he wasn't upset by what he'd learnt earlier (which I don't quite believe) and that we would sort everything out in the end; and then he hit me with the surprise that he was taking me away for Spring Break.

As great as it will be to get away from Harvard for a week, I know that still I have to talk to Max properly about what I said today; but not yet. It's just not the right time.

"Are you really okay about earlier?" I ask Max seriously once we're upstairs in my room, having escaped the clutches of Becca's smug stares and Jack's concerned glances over their pizza slices. "Because, you know, I'd understand if you were upset. I don't suppose it was fun hearing how I've been feeling."

Max is standing in the middle of my room, his hands shoved in his pockets (his signature pose), but as the words tumble out of my mouth, he straightens up and his stance becomes more serious.

"Look, Liz, maybe I am a little hurt by what you told me today and it upsets me that you felt you couldn't come to me about it, but I know that none of this is _your_ fault," he stresses carefully. "You couldn't help what was happening to you, and you know what? I think that maybe if I hadn't come here this semester, then you probably wouldn't be getting the help you are now."

"Max – " I start, but he continues, cutting me off.

"Look, all of those depressed feelings would have continued to build up inside of you and a few months down the line, when everything finally came out, you would probably have been in a much worse state than you are now. Liz, I know that what you're going through must be really hard, but we're dealing with it _now_, beforeit has a chance to get worse, and that's what matters. First we sort you out, then we can worry about my feelings, okay?"

I can't help it; my eyes start to well up just hearing his sweet words. "Okay," I nod slowly. "I can do that. Thank you, Max."

He sort of shrugs awkwardly, before moving closer to me. "Hey, come here," he murmurs, enveloping me in his arms for a brief, yet warm hug before pulling back again. "Look, there's just one more day 'til Spring Break and then we can get out of here for a while and have some fun."

At the reminder of our upcoming trip, my stomach lurches a little. "Max, about the trip…" I start.

He becomes concerned. "You don't wanna go anymore?"

"No, I do…it's just that…" God, this is hard. "I'm not sure if you and me going away together is such a great idea right now. I mean, getting out of here would be really great, but…" I trail off uncomfortably.

"But, it might be weird; just the two of us, alone," he finishes for me. "It's okay, I understand. Look, how would you feel if we invited Becca, Jack and Tim along too? Make it a road trip with friends."

I smile; I can't believe he's actually inviting my housemates to come with us. "Really? Are you sure – you wouldn't mind?"

"No, I don't mind. The whole idea was that you could have some time to relax. It doesn't have to be just us," he assures me.

"Okay, I'll ask them. Thank you, Max." With a grin, I throw my arms around him in an impulsive hug. Becca was right; he is the perfect guy.

_TBC…_


	8. Chapter 8

**Part Eight**

_Saturday March 12__th__ 2005_

_Both Jack and Becca readily agreed to join Max and I on our trip; Jack even offered the use of his car for the week. Tim was a little harder to convince, mainly because he hated the idea of leaving his girlfriend home alone over Spring Break. After trying many tactics (including bribery with alcohol and offers of doing his laundry for a week), we eventually got him to agree. Unfortunately though, not even an hour after he'd finally said yes, Kelly (his girlfriend) offered him one better: a week in the Bahamas with her parents; and so he pulled out. Not that I blame him though. I mean, think about it, a week in the Caribbean with the person you love, or several days cooped up in a small car with the people you have to live with? I know which I'd choose!_

_Speaking of spending a week in the car, I finally managed to persuade Max to tell us where we were going (actually, I kind of had to: Becca insisted on knowing where the trip was before she would agree). We're driving up to Canada! Apparently, there are some cabins up in one of the national__parks, a couple of hours outside of Montreal, and you can rent them out. The cabin we'll be staying in is on the edge of a lake, but is also close enough to the city that we can travel into it if we want._

_We left Cambridge early this morning and have been on the road for almost four hours now. Jack insisted on driving at least the first part, since this is his car and Max is sat up front with him, leaving Becca and I to gossip in the back (although she's asleep, so not much gossiping is going on at the moment)._

_But right now, writing this in the car is starting to make me feel sick, so I'm going to stop…_

As I close the journal, I look up towards the front of the car and my gaze locks with Max's in the visor mirror. We stare at each other for a moment, before he smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I return the gesture briefly before averting my eyes and reaching for my backpack. As I shove the diary inside, I can't help blushing slightly.

Max was watching me write in my journal.

I quickly shake the thought from my head as I turn my attention to the passing scenery through the window. A moment later, however, something clicks in my mind. I blushed when I caught Max watching me. I _felt_ something, and it wasn't entirely embarrassment. It was more of a 'wow, he likes me' sort of blush. The realisation hits me suddenly. Could my heart finally be thawing out a little and allowing me to feel again?

I hope so.

"Psst…Hey, Liz," Jack suddenly hisses from the driver's seat, startling me.

"What?" I tear my eyes away from the window to look at him. He glances at me quickly before turning back to the road again. In the mirror in front of me, I can see Max biting back a grin.

"Is Bex still asleep?"

I check. "Yeah…"

"Good. There's still time to mess with her before she wakes up," he smirks. "So, come on, Liz; what have you got?"

"What? I'm not doing anything to her! I don't want any part of this. If you wanna humiliate Becca, you can do it yourself!"

In the passenger seat, Max lets out a snort of laughter.

Jack mouth falls open. "Liz, I'm driving! I can't reach her, you're gonna have to do it."

I sigh and roll my eyes in annoyance. It seems that amongst all the drama lately, I'd forgotten that both Jack and Max are still just normal, if not slightly immature, college students.

"No way! I am not betraying my best friend's trust just so you two can have a laugh at her expense!"

"Hey, I thought _I_ was your best friend!" The response is immediate and simultaneous as Max and Jack first turn to me and then to each other in surprise.

"Man, cut it out, you two!" I exclaim in exasperation. "I can have more than one best friend, you know. Becca is my female best friend and you guys are my male best friends, so deal with it, okay?"

Wow, I think that was at least one too many 'best friend's in a sentence.

"Ooh, Lizzie…a bit PMS-y today, aren't we?"

I freeze, my jaw dropping open in shock. Not at the words themselves, but at the fact that they came from Max's mouth. The statement is so reminiscent of how we used to joke around together before, when I was happy, that it's a shock to the system to hear them, especially since there hasn't been much of a light-hearted atmosphere between us of late.

An awkward silence lingers in the car for a moment, but before I have a chance to recover and defend myself, Max lets out a sigh from the front.

"Fine. I'll do it," he tells Jack. "So, what exactly do you want me to do to her?"

"Ooh, something really embarrassing!" Jack replies eagerly. "I know, draw something on her face – like in that Friends episode, the girls made me watch the other week, when Ross drew a moustache on Rachel – that'll get her!"

As the two of them begin planning Becca's demise, I roll my eyes at the immaturity of the male species

"Mmm," muses Max thoughtfully. "That could work. But I don't have a pen. Wait a sec," he turns to me. "Liz, pass me your eyeliner pencil."

"No," I state firmly, fully intending not to back down, but between Max's puppy-dog eyes and Jack's pleading gaze in the rear-view mirror, I find my control slipping. "Fine," I agree grudgingly as I rummage around in my bag for my eyeliner. "But just so you know," I say as I hand it to him, "I am not taking the blame for any of this, okay?"

"All right," he says with a sigh, taking the black pencil from me. "Okay, here goes."

He turns round in his seat and reaches through to the backseat. I fix my eyes intently on Becca's face, biting my lip nervously because she could wake up at any moment. As Max lowers the pencil to her face, she twitches slightly and we both freeze, but then she relaxes again and Max continues. As he draws, I find my gaze lowering from Becca's face, down to Max's hand and forearm. It's only then that I realise how close he is to me, how his upper arm is level with my face and I can clearly see the muscles flexing beneath his T-shirt. My eyes lift to his face and I notice, as if for the first time, his strong profile complete with long eyelashes.

"Okay, all done," he announces suddenly. I almost jump at the unexpected interruption of my perusal. Max lowers his arm and his eyes meet mine briefly. I gulp as he emits a tiny smile, slips the pencil into my hand and turns back around.

I can't move. I just sit there rigidly, the pencil clasped in my hand as I try to get my suddenly erratic breathing under control.

It's then that I realise that I've just experienced something that I haven't felt in a long time. My heart skips a beat at what it could signify.

* * *

We arrive at the cabin late afternoon. Becca didn't sleep much longer after Max and Jack's little stunt, but it wasn't until we dragged our stuff inside the building and she went to the bathroom to freshen up, that she saw what they'd done. I won't go into all the details, but…let's just say that the guys are not in her good books right now. Lucky for me, she hasn't figured out how they must have acquired the eyeliner pencil!

Despite the argument that followed after Becca reappeared from the bathroom, we were all able to compose ourselves enough to drive over to the small convenience store at the edge of the park and stock up on supplies for the next few days. The guys actually offered to make dinner, although I think the proposal was a direct result of Becca's frequent death stares. Almost surprisingly, they managed to create a pretty decent spaghetti bolognaise and even offered to wash the dishes as an apology to Becca.

Right now, I'm working off (if you can call it that) my dinner by sitting on the porch swing and looking out over the lake. I sigh; it's so peaceful and serene out here. Although I know that ignoring my problems won't make them go away, it's been such a great day for me today, that the moment even a thought about my normal life pops into my head, I push it away. I'm actually feeling almost happy for once and I don't think that I want to handle the feelings that will reappear when it goes away.

"Hey, can I join you?"

The sound surprises me, but when I turn my head in the direction it came from, I find Jack standing in the doorway, his arms crossed loosely over his chest.

I give him a small smile. "Sure," I shrug.

"So," he says as he takes a seat next to me. "We haven't really spoken much this week. How are you doing?"

My relaxed stance tightens for a moment as his concerned tone strikes a nerve in me and I feel the telltale hitch in my throat that usually appears when I think about the crappiness that is my life.

I let out a sigh and keep my eyes fixed on the calm water stretching out in front of us. "I'm doing okay, I guess," I tell him. "It's hard though."

"And Max? I take it he's handling it all pretty well?" he inquires.

"Yeah, he is. He's been great, actually. I almost can't believe it."

"He's a good guy." Jack pauses for a moment, before continuing. "You know, I hate to say I told you so, but…"

I shake my head, "No, you go ahead and say it. You told me so. You were right all along. I just didn't want to put myself out there like that; I was scared."

My voice cracks slightly at the end and in a second, Jack's arm comes around my shoulders as he pulls me to him in a comforting gesture. "I know you were," he murmurs, "and it's natural to be scared in that situation; but you did the right thing and Max, along with Becca and I, are going to help you get better."

I lean into him a little and let out an unintentional sniff. I close my eyes and tell myself repeatedly that I'm not going to cry. It works…somewhat.

We sit together on the swing for a few minutes, until Jack breaks the silence with a small laugh. "You know, I totally forgot the reason I came out here. I was going to ask if you fancied a game of Scrabble – we found it in one of the closets – but then I got here you looked so small and lonely all my yourself, that it slipped my mind."

I straighten up and give him a smile. "Scrabble would be great."

He grins and stands up, holding out a hand. "Okay, then. Let's go."

I take his hand and he pulls me up off the swing. "Lead the way."

As we enter the living room and I see Becca and Max setting up the game on the floor, I realise just how lucky I am to have friends like them.

* * *

It's back.

I know it the moment I open my eyes, as I slowly become aware of my surroundings. The awful feeling is back, and it's as if all the optimistic feelings I had yesterday never even existed.

God, how am I ever going to get through this? I actually felt almost normal again last night; Max and I teamed up against Jack and Becca in an all-out Scrabble war and I really had fun. So what changed in the last few hours? How is it that I can go from feeling positive and hopeful one minute and then completely defeated not even twelve hours later? And why did this have to happen to _me_? All I've ever wanted is to be happy in life; to study biology; to find someone that I love, who loves me back, and make a life with them. So why, when I really am happy and have all those things that I wanted, why do I feel like life is no longer worth the effort?

I can't help it; all I can do is lie there and let it happen as the feelings of depression sweep over my body once more. As I turn on my side and curl up in a ball, hugging the duvet to my chest, I don't even register how comfortable this bed is, or how peaceful it is up here. All that registers in my mind is the despair that suddenly floods my chest and the fact that all I can do to ease the ache is bury my face in the covers and cry.

I'm too caught up with emotion to register the soft knocking on my door several minutes later; Max's voice softly calling out my name only just penetrating through the haze of sadness surrounding my body. I barely even react when he ventures in the room, letting out a slight gasp as he sees me, and rushes over to take me in his arms. I can feel his warm arms as they hug me to him, but can only vaguely hear his murmurs of comfort and encouragement.

He continues to hold me until the heart wrenching sobs begin to subside and I finally relax against his chest. I don't know how long we've been sitting together like this, but at this particular moment, I just don't care. I realise somewhat belatedly that, as awful and upset as I was feeling when I woke up, my tears were really just a release of all the emotions I've been feeling lately and it was actually a relief to let it out. That's not to say that I don't still feel like crap, but I think it was what I needed this morning. I guess that subconsciously I've been feeling so frustrated at my inability to feel anything except misery and hopelessness, that it just built up until I broke down in tears and let it all out.

I suck in a deep breath and release it again as a sigh. Max's hand strokes my upper back gently, before leaning down to murmur in my ear, "Hey, you feeling better now?"

I nod against his T-shirt. "Yeah…um, sorry for using you as a handkerchief," I try for a lame attempt at a joke. It falls flat and Max barely lifts an eyebrow, just gazes ahead, as if I haven't spoken.

"You know," he starts wistfully. "I was lying in bed last night…thinking…and this memory just popped into my head. – "

"Memory?" I cut in.

"Yeah, of us – when we were kids. Remember that time when we decided that we were grown up enough not to need our parents to look after us anymore, and decided to leave home together? We were going to make it on our own and only come back home when we were rich and famous," he finishes with a smile.

A sudden flash of that experience flits through my mind and a small snort of laughter penetrates my gloomy countenance. "Oh my God, that's right. I can't believe we actually thought we could do that – we were only ten!"

"Ah no, _you_ were ten. At eleven, _I_ was the mature one, and I _knew_ we could do it."

"Yeah, right, Max – are you forgetting who was the one crying his eyes out when we got lost and he thought we'd never see home again? Plus, you're only a few weeks older than me and isn't it true that women mature much faster than men?"

"Oh yeah, you just have to rub that in my face, now don't you?"

"Of course I do," I retort sweetly. "That's my job as your best friend, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah…whatever," he dismisses with a shrug, but a second later his expression turns smug, a wicked glint appearing in the corner of his eye. "You know, there's something else I remember about that little adventure," he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

What is he talking ab –? Oh, crap…I remember now…

_Ten years earlier_

"_Come on, Lizzie, hurry up!" Max shouts down from up on the rocks above me._

"_Stop shouting at me, Max!" I yell to him. "I'm going as fast as I can."_

_So far, on our journey to bigger and better things, we've got just outside of Roswell and we're on our way to Las Cruces (Max's idea – don't look at me!). But as soon as Max saw the rocks out here in the desert, he made me climb them with him. He bet that I couldn't reach the top as fast as he could!_

_I'm feeling really tired now, but I'm not going to give up and let Max win, so with a sudden burst of energy, I climb up the rocks as quickly as I can. But he's already there when I finally get to the top._

"_Ha ha, I won!" he cheers mockingly. "Hey Lizzie, look at me – I'm the king of the castle, you're the dirty rascal," he taunts and flexes his muscles in front of me (he doesn't have any though; he's as skinny as a rake)._

"_Quit it, Max!" I sneer and shove his shoulder with my hand. He falls right over on his butt! _

_I laugh at how silly he looks, lying flat on the rocks, but suddenly his arms come around my legs and he pulls me over backwards too. We end up in a heap on the hard surface and I struggle to get free, but he won't let go. In the end, I decide to just keep still until he gets bored of holding me down, which he does about 2 minutes later. I move so that I'm lying next to him and I look up at the almost cloudless blue sky. Beside me, Max sighs and puts his hands behind his head._

_We lie together in silence for a while, until Max suddenly makes me jump by sitting up beside me._

"_Lizzie?" he asks quietly._

"_Yeah?" I reply, still looking up at the sky._

"_Lizzie?" he repeats._

_I huff and pull myself up to face him. "What is it, Max?"_

"_Can I kiss you?"_

_Can he do what?_

"_What?" I cry._

"_I mean," he looks down at his feet, "well, I've never kissed anyone before…and, well, you have. See, my friends were talking about it in homeroom the other day…and I just want to see what it's like…" he trails off._

_Okay, so here's the thing: the other week, I kinda told Max that I'd kissed a boy from seventh grade, when actually, I haven't kissed anybody. Ever. I'd heard that he'd already kissed Tammy Scott at his birthday party last month, but I guess that wasn't true._

"_Um…you want to kiss me?" I repeat, my mouth still hanging open in surprise._

"_Just to see what all the fuss is about," he says quickly._

"_Um…well, okay…I guess." I really don't know what I'm saying anymore – I think I'm in shock._

_Before I can even prepare for it, Max is leaning towards me, his lips inching closer and closer with every second. Just before they touch my mouth, I close my eyes and…well…it's not quite what I was expecting. Max's lips are warm on mine and it actually feels pretty nice. But less than a moment later, he pulls back and I struggle to open my eyes. My lips tingle from the loss of contact and I'm tempted to pull him to me again, but when I look at him, he's back to normal again._

"_So, um, I'm hungry, let's eat," he announces quickly with a smile and all I can do is nod…_

"Our very first kiss," I murmur wistfully.

"Yeah," Max smiles. "It was such a big deal back then…seems kind of tame now, though, after everything else we've done."

I sigh, "Yeah, but it's still one of my fondest memories. Especially the part where it got dark and you got scared that no one was ever going to find us, and you cried!"

"I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"Nope," I shake my head. "Never."

We sit in silence for a moment until Max suddenly changes the subject

"So anyway, today we were thinking of just hanging around here; maybe hiring a boat out on the lake, doing some fishing…you know, just relaxing; and then we can go into the city tomorrow. You up for that?"

A smile graces my lips. "Yeah, I think I can do that," I tell him. "After all, I wouldn't want to miss out on the chance of seeing you and Jack try to fish."

"Ha, ha, very funny," Max utters dryly, but another thought occurs to me, and I continue.

"You know, my money's on Jack," I say as I pull myself up into a sitting position. "I mean, we're from the desert and he grew up on the East coast – who do you think has had more experience with fishing?"

Max pulls back from me slightly. "Hey, I've been fishing before!" he exclaims defensively. "Remember, my dad took me out on one of the lakes outside Roswell."

"Max, you guys only went twice," I roll my eyes. "_And_ you fell out of the boat!"

"That wasn't _my _fault, my coordination skills weren't too great back then– I was only six!"

I smirk. "Exactly!"

I watch as his shoulder slump in defeat. "Okay, so I haven't exactly done much fishing…but, really, how hard can it be?"

* * *

_Monday March 14__th__ 2005_

_Well, let's just say that our 'fishing trip' yesterday was…interesting (in case you're wondering, I'm laughing out loud as I write this). As much as he denies it, Max can't fish to save his life! We spent a good five, maybe six hours, out on that lake and while Jack managed to return to the cabin with an entire bucket of good-sized fish, Max finished up the day with one measly, tiny specimen. As for Bex and I; well I'm not one for fish of any kind and fail to see the fascination in spending an entire day sitting in a small boat, waiting for something to happen. Becca, on the other hand, really surprised me. Having never shown any interest in the sport in the past, she suddenly became very engrossed in it this afternoon and somehow managed to persuade Jack to teach her how to do it. In fact, she was pretty good and I'd say that she was responsible for at least a third of the fish in Jack's bucket at the end of the day._

_Today was…well…it's hard to describe my feelings about today. We drove into Montreal and spent the day being tourists and seeing the city. I guess overall it was a pretty good day; I got to laugh at the guys' awful attempts at speaking the local language and actually had a chance to practice my own French skills (I took French instead of Spanish as my language option a couple of years ago). The problem was that although I spent practically the entire day being 'normal' with my friends, I was like I wasn't really there. I was smiling and having fun with them, but at the same time, I felt as though it wasn't really me doing it. No matter how much help and support Bex, Jack and especially Max have given me the past couple of weeks, I still seems like they don't really understand what I'm going through emotionally. Since we got back to the cabin this evening, I've been thinking about what I can do to remedy this and I think I've finally found a way to help…well, Max at least…understand me a little better._

_I'm going to let him read what he's been dying to get a glimpse of for years now. _

_My journal…_

_TBC…_


	9. Chapter 9

**Part Nine**

Okay, so it's been more than two days and I still haven't found the right time to talk to Max in private about my journal. When I decided that I wanted him to read what I'd written, all I could think about was that it was the only way for him to really understand my thoughts and feelings. Problem is, every time I try to approach the subject I get cold feet. See, whilst I want him to read the serious, important, meaningful parts; giving him free reign over the journal means that he'll also see the entries in which all I do is marvel over his amazing body, or describe his kissing (or even worse, his lovemaking) techniques in great detail. Which is why I've come to the conclusion that the only way I'll feel comfortable about him reading it, is if I'm there with him too; that way, I can make sure that he skips the more embarrassing parts. All I have to do now is find a good time to talk to him.

"Hey, I feel like taking a walk, anyone else wanna come?" announces Max suddenly, from his spot next to Jack on the couch.

Here is my opportunity.

"I'll come with you, Max," I tell him as I get up out of the armchair in the corner of the living room.

"Okay," he smiles and stands up. "Jack, you coming?"

I frown slightly as Jack takes a quick glance at Becca, who's making dinner in the kitchen, and then turns back to us. "Nah, I'm good. There's this thing on TV in a few minutes that I want to watch."

Max shrugs and sends me a small smile, "Looks like it's just the two of us then, Lizzie."

"Yep, I guess it is. So, shall we go, then?"

"Sure."

We leave the cabin with a quick goodbye to Jack and Becca and make our way down the trail to the footpath alongside the lake. We walk in silence for several minutes. It's not an uncomfortable silence exactly, but it seems that neither of us can think of a topic to discuss. I know that I should just swallow my pride and tell Max about the journal thing, but I just can't seem to force the words out of my mouth. Instead, I'm so busy arguing with myself to just get on and talk to him that I don't notice that he's stopped walking and I almost bump right into him.

"It's gorgeous out here, isn't it?" he says softly, as he looks out over the lake.

I stand beside him and take in the beautiful scenery. "Yeah, it is," I reply.

Okay, so here's my chance. Just tell him.

"Max?"

"Yeah?" He doesn't turn to look at me, but instead keeps his eyes on the calm water.

"There's something I wanted to…" No, that's not right. Let's try again, "I mean, I think that maybe…"

Max lets his gaze leave the lake and turns to face me. "Liz, what is it?"

I suck in a deep breath and exhale slowly. "Okay, I've been thinking…I know that I asked you to come with me to see Dr. Jones and I'm really grateful that you agreed, but sometimes it still feels like no one can really understand how I felt when you came here after Christmas…" I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts. "So, I thought that maybe the only way you to get it would be if I let you read my journal."

"Liz –" he starts, but I interrupt him.

"I mean, I know I've always told you it was private, and I guess at the time that's how I felt, but I think you deserve to know what's really been on my mind."

"Liz, I can't –"

"No, it's okay, Max. I really don't mind; in fact I want you to read it," I tell him earnestly.

"But _I_ don't want to read it!" he bursts out suddenly, making me jump.

"What? Why not? For years, you've been begging me to let you have a peek!"

"Well, that was then," he snorts, his gaze returning to the lake.

"So, what changed?"

"Liz, do you really think I _want_ to read all about how your feelings for me have completely disappeared? How you no longer feel anything when we make love? I'm not a masochist, you know; I don't get off on reading about how the woman I love no longer loves me!" he practically shouts and I jump at the unexpected sound.

"Max, that's not…" I break off as my voice cracks, and I try to compose myself before starting again. It doesn't work. "I _never_ said that I stopped loving you," I cry, the tears beginning to fall. "Something happened to block those feelings and I'm trying break through it. I just want you to understand what I've been going through."

"I can't read it, Liz. I just can't," he says sadly, shaking his head. "I don't think I'm strong enough to hear it."

I frown in confusion, "But you were okay last week, when I was talking about it with Dr. Jones."

He scoffs, "I did it for you, because you needed me to. That was me trying to put on a brave face for your sake. Hearing you say that stuff about our sex life hurt more than anything in the world. It was hard enough just getting through that hour, let alone spending hours reading what you wrote in that diary of yours!"

"I don't understand…" My head is spinning; how did I not know this?

"Of course you don't, Liz," he says quietly. "You've been so caught up in your own problems that you haven't given a thought to anyone else's."

Ouch.

"That's not fair, Max. I can't help what's happening to me. I know it might seem selfish, but that's part of depression. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. You think I want to feel like this? You think I like it? Well, think again, Max."

I fold my arms over my chest protectively and fix my eyes on the trees across the lake. I can feel Max's intense gaze on me, but I can't bring myself to look at him.

"What I said still stands, Liz," he murmurs. "I can't read it. I'm sorry."

I keep still, my gaze not wavering from the trees on the horizon; but inside, my heart is aching.

We stand in silence for several moments, until Max announces suddenly, "I'm going back to the cabin,"

I barely move, but simply give a slight nod to indicate that I've heard him. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him give me one last look and then turn to leave. I listen as his footstep retreat along the path and as soon as he's out of sight, I let go. My arms fall to my sides in defeat and I slide down to the ground. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them tightly as the tears fall faster.

* * *

I arrive back at the cabin half an hour later to find Becca and Jack sitting together on the couch, watching TV. Max is nowhere to be found. After several minutes of trying and not getting much response from either of them, I finally manage to pry it out of Becca that he came back for a couple of minutes, grabbed Jack's car keys and left in the car; apparently he 'went for a drive'. Great.

I'm tempted to refuse when Jack invites me to join them in front of the TV, but then I realise that if I don't take him up on the offer all I'll do for the rest of the day is shut myself in my room and mope, so reluctantly, I walk over to the sofa and take the seat next to Becca. It turns out that one of my favourite movies is about to start, which would usually cheer me up; but for the next hour, I barely register a single word that anyone has said, or a single thing that has happened in it. My mind seems to constantly drift to Max and how I didn't even think about how my confessions last week had affected him. Without warning, the guilt slams into me and I have to muffle the whimper that builds up in my throat. Oh God…Max…How could I have done this to him? And in front of Dr. Jones as well, who for all accounts is a relative stranger! I know what I have to do now. I have to apologise to him. I have to make this right.

Before I can think of the best way to go about doing that though, the sound of a car door slamming brings my attention back to the present. The door to the cabin opens suddenly and Max appears in the doorway. He doesn't look happy. I allow myself a quick glance over at him, but the moment our eyes meet he pushes the door closed behind him, sends an unreadable look my way and heads straight for the stairs. I sit perfectly still; sure that the sadness I feel is now showing on my face. When I finally hear his bedroom door close with a sound click, I let out a noise of frustration, somewhere between a groan and a sigh.

"Hey, you okay?" Becca's concerned tone penetrates my muddled brain. "What happened between you two earlier?"

I shrug. "Nothing." But she isn't buying it. "I don't want to talk about it," I tack on quickly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her shake her head sadly. "Liz, it's not good to bottle things up like this. Look at what happened last time you did that."

"I don't want to talk about it," I repeat firmly, suddenly feeling angry and frustrated – but this time, I'm angry with myself.

Becca turns to Jack then; they seem to be communicating silently about something. I wonder what that's all about? Jack finally gives a slight nod and Becca turns back to me.

"Look, Liz, why don't we get out of here for a while, just you and me? We'll drive into the city and find some shops or something."

Despite the fact that all I really feel like doing right now is curling up and wallowing in my misery, it is starting to feel kind of claustrophobic in here, especially since Max made his cold, abrupt entrance only a couple of minutes ago.

"Okay," I agree grudgingly.

"Great," she smiles. "Come on, let's go."

She takes my arm and pulls me up off the couch. I only just have time to grab my purse before she tugs me out of the cabin and towards the car. Just before I climb into the passenger side, I let my gaze drift up to the second floor window, which I know looks into Max's bedroom. I almost jump in shock when my eyes lock with his through the glass. His expression looks so dejected that I have to tear my eyes away from him and quickly turn my attention to the car before I burst into tears again.

As we pull out of the gravel-covered driveway, it's all I can do to remain in the vehicle and not jump out, run upstairs to Max and beg his forgiveness.

* * *

By the time Becca and I return from our impromptu shopping trip, I don't feel much better, but my purse is a lot lighter. In fact, I spent most of the time in town feeling guilty about Max. I even bought the new CD he was eyeing up the other day to give him as an 'I'm sorry' gift. Not that I really think it will make the situation any better, but it's been so long since I gave him anything at all, that I kind of feel I have to give him something now.

The cabin is eerily quiet when I open the door and enter the living area, I send a questioning glance towards Becca, but she just shrugs, her expression as curious as mine. We dump our shopping bags on the couch and I reach into one and grab the CD for Max.

"I need to go talk to Max," I tell her quietly.

"Okay." She offers me an encouraging smile and beckons towards the stairs, "Go on."

Becca and I had a long talk in the car on the way back here. I told her about the proposition I made to Max regarding my journal and his heated reaction to it. I told her how angry he seemed to be with me, and that his harsh words had really gotten to me this morning. Becca told me that she thought my reasons for wanting him to read my journal entries made sense, but that I approached the subject in the wrong way. She suggested that maybe what I should have done was to discuss the idea with Max first; tell him my reasons for wanting him to read it and then give him the choice: Would he like to read my journal? Did he think that would help?

She made me realise that however much I thought Max was okay with hearing how I felt, I really hadn't tried to see it from his point of view: 'How would _I_ feel if Max suddenly told me that he didn't feel anything for me anymore?', 'How much would that hurt?'; and it was then that I realised that I wasn't the only one affected by my depression; it had taken its toll on Max as well. I made up my mind right there in the car. As soon as we got back, I would talk to Max. I would apologise to him sincerely and hand him the CD, and maybe we could work something out.

I return Becca's smile and turn towards the wooden staircase. Clutching the CD in my hands, I make my way up the stairs towards Max's room. I just hope he's still in there. He must be, I decide, as I reach the top step and round the corner to see Jack exiting the room and closing the door behind him. He gives me a sympathetic smile as he notices me standing at the top of the stairs and makes his way towards me.

"Hey," he says quietly. He glances back to Max's room for a moment before turning to me again and rubbing my arm comfortingly with his hand. "Look, Max told me what happened earlier. He's hurting right now, and understandably so." I wince. "But, you're having an even tougher time than him and I know you can't help how you feel. I really think you two need to talk, Liz. Get it all out in the open; maybe you'll both feel better about yourselves afterwards."

I have to swallow against the lump that has formed in my throat at his words. "Thank you, Jack."

"For what?" he shrugs nonchalantly, a slight smile gracing his lips.

"For being you; for being such a great friend lately. Thank you," I tell him sincerely. "I'm actually on my way to talk to Max now. I want to work this all out with him. I want to apologise for the way I've treated him the last few months. I want to make things right again. I can't lose him, Jack; and you know what I realised today? I don't _want _to lose him."

His smile widens then, "Good for you, Liz. You go work things out with your guy." He pulls me into a quick, warm hug before I can protest that Max is not really 'my guy' anymore. "I'm proud of you, Liz," he whispers just before he releases me. "for being so strong."

"Thank you," I whisper back.

He just nods. "Okay, so I'm gonna go –" he points downstairs. "Good luck."

I watch him retreat down the stairs for a few seconds, before turning and making my way down the hall to Max's room. By the time I get there, I seem to have lost my nerve. I stand outside, gripping the CD tightly, barely moving a muscle as I take deep breaths. I don't know why, but my heart is suddenly beating rapidly in my chest and I feel kind of faint. I can only take it as a sign that I'm doing the right thing and that maybe after I pluck up the courage to knock on the door and go in, things will be better for us. With a sudden burst of determination, I release one of my hands from the CD and knock firmly on the door. Knowing that I'll lose my nerve if I stand out here any longer, I don't wait for a reply, but instead turn the knob and slip into the room.

"Max?" I call softly. He's lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head. My chest clenches when I notice fresh tear streaks glistening on his cheek. Why did I not consider that instead of consoling me all the time, Max might need comforting too?

"Leave me alone, Liz." The reply is soft, almost whispered, but it hurts all the same.

"Max, I'm sorry," I murmur, as genuinely and seriously as I can.

But he just shakes his head and shifts his gaze to the side, away from me.

"Max, please," I'm practically begging now. "We need to talk."

"What, so you can let me know all over again how much I _don't_ turn you on anymore?" His tone is bitter and waves of both guilt and shame sweep over me.

"Max, I just want to make this right," I cry desperately. "I know you're hurting and it kills me to know that I'm the cause of that. But I am too and I'm trying to get better, believe me."

"Liz," Max starts, as he shifts on the bed, pulling himself up into a sitting position. He rubs a hand across his eyes and forehead. "I'm tired; exhausted, even. I just don't have the energy to get into this with you today. Now please, just go."

That's it. For so long now, I've just sat back and let everything wash over me, but not anymore; not when it's this important. "No, Max! I'm not going anywhere. Not until we've worked this out!"

Max's hand falls to his side and he simply stares at me with red-rimmed eyes, before sighing in defeat. "Okay…so talk."

Well, now that he's finally agreed to listen to me at least, I don't even know where to start. I look down at my hands, as if that's going to help me decide. Wait, I'm still holding the CD…well, it's a start.

"Okay…well, um, first…I got you something. Here," I hold the CD out to him, "it's a peace offering."

He looks at it sceptically and then up at me. "And this is supposed to make up for everything, is it?"

"No, Max, it's not; not even close. But I saw it and I thought of you. I had to get it," I say in explanation. "Please, take it."

He just watches me and for a moment I think that he's just going to refuse my offer, but then he sighs reluctantly and reaches for it with a mumbled, "Thank you."

"Max, I want to apologise for being so insensitive towards your feelings the past few days. For months now, all I've been able to see and comprehend is my own pain and suffering…and I'm sorry," I tell him earnestly. "Sorry that I took you for granted, sorry that I didn't talk to you sooner about how I felt, sorry that I've hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, really I didn't, but I guess I was so intent on getting to the bottom of what caused the depression that I didn't think about how you'd react to what I was telling you."

"Liz…" Max starts softly; as he reaches for my hand and pulls me down to sit next to him on the bed. "I'm sorry, too. It wasn't my intention to get angry with you and take my frustration out on you today. I know that your emotions are fragile right now and I don't want to make things worse, but I can't help how I feel either. I tried to put on a brave face for your sake, but it really hurt to hear you say those things to me about love and our private life. I didn't mean for my feelings to erupt like that, but when you mentioned reading your journal, all I could think about was how I would ever get through reading that you didn't feel anything for me anymore," his voice cracks at the end and he lowers his head.

"I talked to Becca earlier," I say quietly, "and she made me realise that I shouldn't have just announced the idea like that. I didn't even ask you whether you wanted to read it; I didn't give you a choice, and I should have. I just…I remembered that you used to pester me all the time about being able to read it…and I guess I thought you'd still want to."

"Liz," he murmurs gently, "that was when you were writing things about me – and I was anxious to know what you really thought of me and my worth as a boyfriend. But the longer we were together, the more I learned about you and how you saw me, and I didn't have to worry anymore about what you might be writing in there – it was clear from your words and your actions. But now…the thought of reading that those feelings have changed…it makes me shudder."

I slowly nod my head; I think I finally understand. I'm not going to pressure Max to read the journal, but I still feel that it's important for him to know some of the things I wrote, and I think I may have come up with a solution.

"Max, would you read it if you didn't have to look at the parts about you? I mean, not everything I wrote in there was about us. Maybe if you knew what else I was going through, without going into my feelings for you, it wouldn't be so bad?" I suggest hopefully.

He hesitates. "Liz, I don't know…Look," he cups my face in his hand, tilting it up to look directly at me. "I understand that our relationship played a big part in your depression and I also understand that it's important to tackle that part of your life as well. But at the same time, I still have my own feelings to consider."

"Max, what are you saying?"

He sighs. "I guess I'm saying that I'm willing to read your journal, but I can't promise that I'll be able to handle everything that's written in there."

I let out a sigh of relief, "Thank you, Max. It's means a lot to me that you'll read it, and I won't force you to read anything you're not comfortable with. Thank you."

Impulsively, I extend my arms and pull him into a tight hug. It was meant to be a quick show of gratitude, but when I feel Max's arms loop around my back, I can't bring myself to pull back just yet. Instead, I savour the feel of being so close to him and close my eyes in the hope that if I can just commit this moment to memory, then maybe everything will be okay.

TBC…


	10. Chapter 10

**Part Ten**

_…July 5th 2002…_

_…LA is so cool! I can't believe I'm actually here, in the entertainment capital of…well, the world, I guess! And right now, Max is reading this over my shoulder and rolling his eyes at me – yeah, Max, I know you're there!_

_Okay, he's gone now. It's a good thing I was only writing about this holiday and not anything that he could use to embarrass me later!_

_So, anyway, we made it to our hotel by midday today and we're just gonna stay here and relax for the rest of the day, maybe check out some shops for gifts – I promised Maria I'd buy her something 'LA' and tacky!_

_Okay, go to go now, Max is gesturing frantically at me to get a move on so we can check out the outdoor pool. He's even all ready to go, with his swim shorts on and a towel in hand. Me? I'm still in my normal clothes and I think my bikini must be buried somewhere deep in the bottom of my suitcase…_

Max smirks as he reads the last sentence, "Man, was I glad you finally found that bikini. You looked so hot in it!"

I can't help the slight giggle that escapes my throat at his expression, and I roll my eyes. "You know, you should be glad I'm letting you read these parts, Max. They were supposed to be totally private."

"I know that, Liz, but I think I deserve a bit of cheering up after everything else I've read today," he says, turning serious.

I feel the tentative smile drop from my face as I'm reminded of the painful, emotional evening we've had so far. Max and I are currently sitting on my bed, reading through my journal. We sat down here together a little more than two hours ago. Since then, Max has read the majority of my journal entries from the last few months. Despite his adamant reaction over reading about himself and our relationship in there, he did manage to get through a couple of the parts where I described my feelings about us, but by the end of them, he had tears in his eyes. I took pity on him after that and assured him that I understood and that I could only imagine how hard this must be for him too.

So, after more tears from both of us, and a honest heart-to-heart, I suggested that maybe we should look through some of the happier entries. As he began reading through them, I realised that my previous worries and mortification over him seeing what I'd written were just kind of silly and trivial now. Compared to some of the painful things he read earlier, recounting my road-trip memories must be a welcome diversion.

"I know, Max," I tell him. "And I'm sorry. I realise now that maybe I shouldn't have tried to force you to go through this with me. I doubt it was fair to you."

He shakes his head a little, "Liz, I'll admit that it wasn't easy for me, but now I understand why it was so important for you to have me see this. You were right, it has given me greater insight into your thoughts and feelings lately and as painful as it was to read at times, I honestly think it was good for us to get it out in the open."

"Thank you, Max," I smile gratefully. "It means a lot that you agreed to it."

"No problem," he smiles back, before turning back to the pages in front of him. "Now, where were we? Let's get back to reading some more juicy stuff about me!"

I just shake my head at his eagerness and lean back next to him against the wall as he starts reading again.

_… July 10th 2002_

_It's three-fifteen in the morning and I can't sleep. Right now, I'm sitting in the chair by the window, the small, dim table lamp providing just enough light for me to write this. Max is asleep on the double bed in the middle of our room and I'm spending more time watching him than writing this journal entry._

_I feel really awful for what happened last night._

_Max and I were on our way back to the hotel, when my cell phone rang. It was Aiden. He'd dropped his cousin home and had the evening free. He asked me to dinner and a movie and I said yes. I didn't even think about leaving Max alone for the night, or how he might feel about me just abandoning him like that. All I was thinking about was getting my mind off the growing feelings I was having for him and going out with Aiden seeming like the best way to do that._

_Don't get me wrong, Aiden is a great guy; I had fun with him and when he kissed me at the end of the night, I didn't pull back, at least not right away. But the second I walked through the door of our motel room at just gone midnight and saw Max's face; I knew I'd made a bad decision. He was annoyed with me and we ended up getting into a full-blown argument._

_Now I'm torn. Half of me is saying 'just get over it and tell him what you're really feeling', but the other half is telling me 'what good would that do, he's your best friend and suggesting anything more could ruin everything." I just don't know what to do anymore…_

"Wait. You kissed Aiden? How did I not know this?" Max turns to me, a hurt expression on his face.

"Because it wasn't important, Max. It didn't mean anything to me," I tell him quietly.

"But, you kissed him!"

"Look, the minute I did it, I regretted it, okay? I knew that Aiden wasn't right for me and it didn't go any further than that," I defend my actions. "And besides, have you even read the last couple of lines?"

He looks down at the words on the page, "Oh."

"Yeah," I nod.

A tiny smile tugs at one corner of his mouth, "You know, for the record, the 'getting over it and telling me' would have been the better option."

"Yeah, well, I didn't know that at the time," I say with a shrug. "And if I had, I would have missed out on that wonderful first kiss in San Francisco."

"True," he muses, "That was one hell of a kiss, wasn't it?"

"Don't blow smoke up your own ass, Evans," I retort with a smile. I really don't know what's got into me tonight. I'm actually feeling…well, normal, and you know what? I like it. "I think it's time for another page."

I flick through the book to find another entry and we start reading. Unfortunately, the passage I pick is even worse than the last one!

_… July 13th 2002_

_I'm not sure I can effectively describe how wonderful I'm feeling at the moment. I spent the entire day walking around with a huge, silly grin on my face and no amount of self-restraint could stop it._

_It's kind of strange really. Now that Max knows how I feel and he's confessed his feelings to me, it's almost like we're just noticing each other for the first time. Even though we've already kissed and admitted feelings, it's as if we're going right back to the flirty stage, the part that usually happens before the first kiss and confessions of love. And for the most part, we've definitely passed the 'getting to know you' part of the relationship. It's weird; our entire relationship is completely backwards!_

_All day long, Max and I have been exchanging these discrete glances and secret looks. I feel like I'm back in junior high again, getting goose bumps whenever my big crush so much as looks in my direction, but really, I love it. It feels good to be the centre of Max's attention, and I don't just mean in a best-friends, we're-the-only-two-people-on-this-trip kind of way. I mean, he's been looking at me the same way he used to look at Jenna, his first crush in high school, when he thought no one was looking; and it warms my heart…_

"You know, Jenna was nothing compared to you," he murmurs softly, making my heart warm. "And what's more, I was feeling the same way that day. You were definitely the centre of all my attention."

I feel my cheeks getting hot and look away quickly so that he doesn't see my reaction. I don't know what it is about today, but I'm starting to remember all those old feelings again.

"Yeah, well," I mumble in embarrassment. "Let's move on, shall we?"

_… July 14th 2002_

_We said goodbye to Isabel and Alex this morning and now we've decided to drive all the way across the country to the East coast. We drove for eight hours today and have stopped for the night at a motel on the side of the road somewhere near Barstow, CA. Just for fun, and because it's not too far from here, we're going to drive up to Las Vegas tomorrow. I know that we're only eighteen and so can't legally do any of the things that Vegas is famous for, but we don't care – it'll still be fun to take in the atmosphere._

_Then on Wednesday, we'll carry on Eastwards along the I40, until we reach the coast. Our main destination is New York City, but we're going to try to visit as much of the area as we can. Max has promised that we'll make a stop at Harvard so he can see the campus and where I'll be living in the Fall._

_Just thinking about going off to college and leaving Max in New Mexico is making me all choked up. It was bad enough before when he was just my best friend, but now that we're together, the prospect of living thousands of miles from him is almost unbearable…_

"Oh, Liz…I'm sorry you were feeling that way," he says as he reaches the end of the entry. "If it's any consolation, the thought of you going off to college was getting me down too."

"It was just getting hard, you know," I tell him in explanation.

"I know," he murmurs, placing a hand over mine. "But we got through it, didn't we?"

I smile at him for a moment, before turning back to the book once more.

_… July 16th 2002_

_Wow, I can't stop smiling this morning!_

_Max and I are in Las Vegas, we're currently sharing not just a room, but also a bed, in the Excalibur hotel and memories of last night are running through my mind at an amazing speed. Max said yesterday that he was going to surprise me, and well, surprise me he did!_

_First, he took me to dinner at the Caribbean themed restaurant, Kahunaville, in the Treasure Island hotel. He told me that it was 'in honour of all the times we rode Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland' and he insisted on paying, since it was our first official date. The food was gorgeous and although we couldn't drink them, the cocktails sounded delicious – they even had this huge one that cost $18 and you could even keep the cocktail glass afterwards!_

_But dinner wasn't what made the evening special, it was what happened once we got back to our room that did…_

Max appears to be both smiling and blushing by the end of this one.

"What?" I wonder self-consciously.

He swallows, "I'm really glad you didn't write down the details of that night. I'm not sure I could handle the embarrassment."

"What are you talking about? It was one of the best nights of my life."

"Well…it's just that…I didn't really know what I was doing," he admits quietly.

I frown. "But you said you did it to Tess…" I trail off, knowing that he'll get my meaning.

"Liz," he shakes his head. "It might not have been my first time doing 'that' but it was different with you. I felt like I was under all this pressure to do it right and to make you happy."

Tears spring to my eyes at his confession. "Max, it was perfect," I assure him. "And you needn't have worried. The fact that it was _you_ was enough for me."

"Thank you," he just about whispers. "That means a lot."

We smile at each other for a moment before turning back to the journal.

_… July 31st 2002_

_Well, we're finally on our way back to Roswell. I can't believe this trip is really over and that, in less than two hours, we'll be back home with our friends and our parents. We haven't told anyone except our parents, exactly when we'll be back, because we don't want to arrive home tired and cranky from travelling, only to find a huge, loud welcome party waiting for us._

_You know, in a way, I'm actually kind of glad to be going home. It'll be nice to eat home-cooked food again and catch up with Maria and the rest of the gang on all the Roswell gossip. But I already know that I'm going to miss Max like crazy. There's no way we'll be able to spend as much time with each other as we have done over the last month and a half. For a start, we both have to go back to work: me at the Crashdown and him at he UFO Centre; and since we don't know how everyone's going to react to the news that we're more than just friends now, who knows how often we'll get to be alone?_

_Shit, maybe I shouldn't have been so understanding of Max's feelings last night and instead, persuaded him that it was the right time for us to sleep together! We may not get a chance to do anything at all once we're back living under our parent's roofs._

_Or actually…maybe it could be fun! We could pretend we're not together and then sneak around in private for a laugh. No, wait…scratch that, there's no way I'll be able to be around Max and not touch him in a way that would be deemed inappropriate for best friends to act around each other._

_I mean, just look at him…_

"Wow, you put a lot of thought into that, didn't you," he grins.

I shrug, "Yeah, well, it was important at the time."

"Could you really not be around me without wanting to…you know…?"

"Um, no, actually, I couldn't," I confess. "You can't imagine the number of times I had to leave the room just to get away from you and calm myself down!"

"Really?" he smirks.

I duck my head in embarrassment and shove his arm, "Shut up."

He just continues to smirk and flicks through the rest of the journal. As he does so, I watch him carefully, my face flushing as I realize something. I'm actually feeling attracted to him again. Somehow, the journal has managed to bring back not just my memories, but my feelings too. Does this mean what I think it does? Am I really moving past this?

"Hey," Max's amused voice interrupts my musings. "Here's one I haven't read…"

_…October 22nd 2004_

_When I got in this afternoon from my exhausting, stressful day in the lab, the first thing I did was call Max. He seems to have a knack for calming me down and making me feel better when I struggle with schoolwork, which has been happening a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for Harvard. The course work is so hard sometimes and the pressure to do well is immense. What I wouldn't give to have Max's life at UNM right now. He has his soccer buddies and a much easier workload, not to mention the New Mexico sunshine that is severely lacking here on the east coast._

_You know, even though Max managed to cheer me up on the phone, the high I got from talking to him only lasted about half an hour. By eight o'clock, I was staring at my reflection in the mirror, mascara smudges around my eyes, as I wondered what exactly he sees in me anymore. I'm no fun right now; all I ever seem to do is work and sleep and lie in bed watching TV. I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair is lank and messy, and I'm sure I've put on a few pounds with all the junk food I've been stuffing my face with lately._

_How can he love me like this?…_

As soon as I realize which entry he's reading, I turn my head and look everywhere except in his direction. I know it didn't bother me when he read paragraphs like that earlier, but now that we've gone over the more fun, lighthearted parts, having him read that just makes me feel like a failure. I can't help it; tears begin to well up in my eyes.

"Oh, Lizzie," he murmurs softly when he reaches the end. "Did you really feel that way about yourself?"

I can feel his sympathetic gaze on me and I have to clench my jaw to stop from crying. All I can manage is a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, all the while staring at the opposite wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Max straighten suddenly as he closes the journal and shuffles forward on the bed.

"Wait here, Liz; I want to show you something," he tells me, before quickly crossing the room and disappearing through the door. As soon as he's gone, I let out a tired sigh and a couple of tears leak from my eyes. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself before Max comes back, but suddenly he appears in the doorway again. With a small, sympathetic smile, he walks towards the bed again, a thin red book in his hand.

"Hey, don't cry," he tells me softly, as he takes his seat on the bed and leans over to wipe the tears from my eyes with his thumbs. "First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this on your own," he says then. I nod. "And secondly, I have something here that I really want you to see. I think maybe it'll help."

He flicks through the red book until he finds what he's looking for and then holds it out to me. I look at him in puzzlement for a moment, before reaching out to take it from him.

"Go on, read it," he encourages.

_…December 18th 2004_

_Liz came home today. After four long months of making do with only hearing her voice, I finally got to hold her in my arms and kiss her and make love to her again. When I saw her walking towards me at the airport, I just couldn't take my eyes off her. She looks even more gorgeous now than when we said goodbye back in August. Sure, she looks a little tired, but that's what Harvard will do to you. Harvard. Sometimes I still can't believe that I have a Harvard girlfriend, that my little Lizzie Parker has made so much of herself. Even though I know she's had a few problems with her workload lately, I can't help being proud of her for everything she's already managed to accomplish._

_Even as I sit here now, watching her sleep beside me, I still feel everything that I felt for her all those years ago at the end of high school. But now, she's just glowing. Her features seem softer somehow, but now it's only turning me on even more. God, I love her. I can't believe I'm going to get to spend a whole semester with her now. I've spent the last 2 years hoping for something like this, and now finally really happening…_

I can't speak, I really can't. All I can do is open and close my mouth repeatedly, but no sound comes out.

"I started a journal, too," Max supplies unnecessarily. "Last summer. I realized that if I wrote down how I felt at that particular time then we'd have something else to reminisce over in the future."

I'm feeling too overwhelmed right now to focus on what he's saying. Instead, my mind is focused on those words on the page; the ones were he says he loves me and that I'm gorgeous. There's a sudden rushing in my ears and it's like something just becomes clear in my mind. How could I have let everything get so out of control, how could I have pushed Max away like that? He loves me so much, he finds me attractive, and he's here, willing to show me that.

"Max…" I start, raising my eyes to his. I lean towards him. "Thank you," I whisper, before sealing my lips over his.

I close my eyes and try to lose myself in the kiss. I'm so intent on putting the past behind me and feeling normal again, that I don't notice that Max has yet to respond to me. I shut my mind to the fact that his hands have crept up to my shoulders to gently push me away from him. It's only when has to literally wrench his mouth away, that I finally get a clue.

"Liz," he mutters, his hands still braced on my shoulders, holding me away from him. "Stop."

I look up at him with wounded eyes. He doesn't want me now? What's going on here?

"But…" I start, my voice a mixture of hurt and confusion. I thought he wanted this?

He shakes his head sympathetically and for a moment I just want to strangle him. He's been great these last couple of week, but right now it feels like he's patronising me and I don't like it.

"Liz, we can't do this." I frown and open my mouth to speak, but he doesn't give me the chance to. "At least not right now," he continues quickly. "I mean, we're both emotional here, we've just pretty much bared our souls to each other and I don't think that becoming romantically involved again is a particularly wise idea right now."

What? But can't he see that I'm finally feeling good again, that I actually want him?

"But, I'm feeling better, Max!" I protest. "I want you again. I want to lose myself in you, right here, right now."

"Exactly, Liz," he tells me patiently. "You'd be trying to lose yourself. You'd be using me to forget your problems, and I can't let you do that."

I shake my head frantically. "I wouldn't, Max. I swear," I persist. I raise my hand to stroke his cheek gently. "I want to make love to you again."

He gazes down at me and for the briefest moment, I think he's going to give in; but then his fingers cover mine on his cheek and he gently lowers my hand to my lap. "Look, I understand that you're feeling better today and I can't even imagine how good that must make you feel, but I have to be totally honest here, Liz; you may feel ready, but I can't let you do this, I can't do this with you until I know that you're not going to regret it," he tells me earnestly.

"Max, I –"

"Shh," he silences me with a finger to my lips. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it broke my heart when we broke up." I start to protest, but he shoots me a meaningful look and continues. "I know that what happened to us is nobody's fault, but I can't deny that it hurt me and I don't think that we can start something up again if you're not completely healthy. I couldn't handle it if we got back together now, only for the same thing to happen again; and I don't think you could either."

The words of objection to his argument were on the tip of my tongue when he started speaking, but by the time he finishes, I can't get them out. My feelings are mixed. On the one hand, I really do feel awful that my actions caused him so much pain, but on the other, I just want to get my life back and right now, he's the only one standing in the way.

"No, Max, I can't wait that long!" I grind out, as I roughly pull my hand away from his and stand up quickly. "I just want to be me again. I want to have my boyfriend back. I don't want to be stuck in this limbo anymore, halfway to being well, but with so much holding me back!" As I shout the words at him, some small part of my mind realises that I'm being irrational and unfair to him, but I suddenly feel so frustrated and angry at the whole situation that logical thinking is too much right now. "I need to be me again," I plead in anguish.

"Look, I get that you're frustrated, okay? I am too," he counters, anger evident in his voice as well. "But that's my point. It's not a good idea for us to be together purely out of frustration that we're stuck in 'limbo'. I know that it must be hard for you to deal with all of this, but adding feelings greater than friendship to it now could just end up doing more harm than good, and I won't allow you to put your recovery in jeopardy like that!"

"Oh, you won't _allow_ me?" I question harshly. "Since when do you have control over my life? It's my body, my mind, and I'm perfectly capable of deciding when I'm ready to be with you again."

At that, Max snorts and shakes his head. "But it's not completely up to you, is it? What makes you think I'm just gonna come running when you tell me to? This has to be a mutual decision, Liz, and if one of us is not ready, then the other is just going to have to respect that."

His words make me stop still. In all the time we were together, he never once referred to our relationship in such a formal, civil way. There was always a fun, joking atmosphere between us and although respect for each other was certainly present, it wasn't something we ever spoke of formally.

"You know what? I can't deal with this right now," I tell him suddenly, as I feel tears of anger and frustration threatening to fall. "I'm leaving."

I turn to the door and march towards it. Behind me, I hear the bed shift as Max stands and begins to close the gap between us. "Oh, that's right, Liz. Just bail out whenever the conversation gets too much for you .God, you're a coward sometimes!"

I stop, my hand on the doorknob as his words sink in. Max, _my_ Max, just called me a coward. I try desperately not to let my hurt show, but I am unsuccessful as I take in a deep breath and feel my shoulders heave with the weight of the emotions running through me. I hesitate in my actions, but the second Max reaches out to touch my arm, the anger returns and I wrench the door open, stalk through it and slam it behind me. Holding my chin up, I walk determinedly along the hallway to the stairs. I ignore the sound of the bedroom door opening behind me, and Max's shout as he follows me. I walk faster in the hopes of avoiding him, but he catches up with me on the stairs. His hand reaches out to grab my arm, but I shrug out of his grasp and continue on down the steps ahead of him. However, when I reach the bottom step, I see something that makes me stop dead, causing Max to crash into me from behind. My mouth falls open and I try to speak, but all that comes out is a little squeak.

"Liz? What…?" he starts in annoyance, but then I guess his eyes land on the scene in front of us, because his next words are, "Oh shit!"

Becca and Jack are on the couch. Well, they're not just 'on the couch'; they're half-naked and making out on the couch; in the middle of the living room; while we were upstairs having a serious talk and subsequent raging argument.

God, what do I do now? Do I go back upstairs, try to calm things down with Max and get this incident out of my head? Or do I interrupt them and cause embarrassment all round?

Somehow, I don't think either scenario will work out well.

Oh crap.

_TBC…_


	11. Chapter 11

**Part Eleven**

Max tugs at my arm, urging me to go back upstairs with him, but I can't tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me. I just stand on the stairs, staring at them, my mouth hanging open in shock. Jack and Becca. Becca and Jack. Their names just swirl around in my head. This doesn't make sense; when did this happen? How did this happen? And how did I not see it coming? Oh, that's right; I've been so caught up in my own emotions and problems that for the last few weeks, I've barely noticed what's been going on around me.

"Liz," whispers Max harshly. "Come on."

I finally snap out of my daze when he slips his hand in mine and I almost jump at the familiar contact. Slowly, I turn to head quietly back up the stairs, but I'm unprepared for Max's closeness to me, and end up falling over my feet and clumsily bumping into him.

"Oww. Shit!" I cry and glare at Max in annoyance. But he's not looking at me; in fact, his gaze is fixed over my shoulder towards the couch. I cringe as I hear a muffled gasp from behind me, and then a muttered curse. I turn around to face the couch slowly, just in time to see my best friends struggling to sit up and straighten their clothes.

"Liz, Max, hi!" exclaims Becca hurriedly, her tone slightly higher than normal. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, we are staying in this cabin, too," I remind her sarcastically. "And shouldn't the question be: what are you two doing here?"

"Liz," warns Max softly from behind me.

"Um…hey, Liz," murmurs Jack sheepishly from his now upright position next to Becca. "We were just…um…"

He glances helplessly in Becca's direction, before turning back to Max and I. Having gotten over the initial shock of seeing them together, I can't help but cross my arms and smirk at him. "You were just…what, Jack? Testing out the springiness of the couch?"

His eyes widen in surprise, "No, um…we just…"

"Save it," I tell him sternly, before breaking out in a grin, "So, how long has this been going on then?"

"Not long," Becca speaks up. "A few days, that's all. Look, Liz, we didn't mean for this to…especially when you're still, you know, getting better…" she rambles, embarrassed.

"Wait a minute," I interrupt. "You've been sneaking around, keeping this a secret, because of me?"

"Well, yeah," she admits quietly. "We didn't want to upset you."

"Bex, that's like the furthest thing from the truth," I tell her with a smile. "I'm happy for the two of you. After all, it's about time at least one of us experienced some happiness." As the words leave my mouth, I feel Max stiffen behind me and I know what he's thinking. He's feeling responsible for my unhappiness. A wave of compassion for him sweeps over me and I squeeze his hand in response, to let him know that despite our argument, I understand where he's coming from.

A tentative smile tugs at her lips, "Really? You mean that?"

"Of course I do," I smile and hold her gaze for a few seconds, until a slight movement behind her catches my eye. "And you, Jack! Honestly, how long did you think you could keep something like this from me?" I tease.

He shrugs uncomfortably, "Well, you know, I…"

"Hey, I'm just kidding," I grin and he lets out a small sigh of relief.

Behind me, Max clears his throat, "Well, um, we'll just leave you two alone now. I have to talk to Liz upstairs for a moment."

Becca raises an eyebrow at me as he speaks, but I shoot her a warning look. "Yeah, um, we're just gonna go back up…" I point my thumb in the direction behind me. "But we are going to have a nice, long talk later, Bex," I tell her meaningfully. I see Jack smirking at that and turn my attention to him instead. "And don't think you're gonna get off scot-free either, Mister," I warn, wagging my finger at him playfully.

"Liz, come on." Max tugs my hand. "Let's leave them alone."

I shoot the two of them one last speculative look, before turning and following Max upstairs. He opens the door to my room and ushers me in. Once inside, we stand awkwardly in the centre of the room. As the shock of finding Becca and Jack together fades away, I remember that Max and I were in the middle of an argument before all this happened and now it appears that neither of us knows what to say to ease the earlier tension.

Taking a deep breath, I attempt to remedy the situation, "Max, I'm sorry…about earlier. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position like that."

"Liz," his lips curl up in a small smile, "It's okay, really. Look, I understand that you must be frustrated by this situation and I want to help you, I really do; but I think we need to give it some time first. Can you accept that?"

I watch his face carefully as he speaks. I can tell that he's being sincere and that he really is just looking out for me; and that knowledge alone is enough for me to want to throw my arms around him.

"Yeah," I nod slowly, "I think I can."

"Thank you," he smiles. "Hey, come here," he beckons when I don't return the pleased look. He enfolds me in his arms and I sink into his embrace, my muscles automatically relaxing as he hugs me. After several moments, he pulls back and gazes down at me. As he smoothes down my hair and tucks the loose strands behind my ear, he murmurs softly, "For the record, I still love you, Liz," At his words, my heart begins to beat faster in my chest. "I just think we need a little space to sort things out and then maybe we can try this again, okay?"

"Okay," I whisper, feeling a lump rise in my throat.

He smiles. "Well, then, I guess I'd better leave you and Becca to your talk," he grins.

"Okay," I repeat.

He turns to leave, and makes it halfway across the room before turning back to me. "I just…" he starts, but instead of continuing, he walks back to me, slides his hand under my hair to cup my neck and lowers his lips to mine. His kiss is tender and sweet and…over before I know it. He pulls back and I open my eyes to see him smiling down at me.

"Sorry, I just…wanted to make up for my reaction earlier," he explains. "It doesn't mean – "

"I know," I cut in. "But, thank you."

He just nods and turns to leave once more. I watch him leave and let out a sigh when he's gone. Oh, Max, what am I going to do with you?

* * *

When I finally make it back downstairs to confront Becca, Jack is nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, Bex," I greet as I take a seat next to her on the couch. "Where's Jack?"

"Hmm?" she lifts her head as if she's just noticed me sitting here. "Oh, um, he and Max went out to get beer, pizza and ice cream."

"Oh," I nod. "Let me guess, the ice cream's for us."

"Yeah," she grins.

"So, since it's just us here now, how about you tell me exactly how you and Jack happened? And I want all the details…well, almost all of them," I amend quickly. "I'm not sure I want to know everything my two best friends get up to in private."

She giggles, "Aww, come on, Liz; it's not that bad! Hell, the two of us have had to spend most of the last two years hearing the intimate details of your sex life – and I do mean hearing; you know, the walls in our house are very thin."

Oh God, she just had to bring that up, didn't she? Granted, Max hasn't been able to visit Cambridge that often since I've been at Harvard, but when he did manage to come up for a few days or the odd weekend, we definitely made up for lost time; and loudly by the sound of it.

"Hey, we're talking about you here, not me," I protest quickly.

"Alright, fine. I guess I've kind of been interested in him for a while, but I thought maybe you and he were…you know, so I kept my distance." I nod in understanding. "Anyway, last week Jack and I got to talking, mainly about you and what you'd been going through lately and I realised that really did like him."

"And?" I smile encouragingly.

"And well, we just kind of bonded over the kitchen table, I guess, and next thing I know, he's kissing me and I'm kissing him back," she sighs dreamily. "After that, we talked and he confessed that he'd liked me for ages, but didn't think I'd want to settle down right now. I laughed and told him that truthfully, I'd been wanting a steady boyfriend for a while and the rest is history, I guess."

"Wow, "I grin, "So you two are going steady now?"

"Well," she hesitates. "Not exactly. We haven't really discussed where this is going yet, but we do know that we're both interested and that we're just going to take things as they come."

"Well, I'm happy for you both," I assure her. "I'm glad you finally found each other."

"Thanks, Liz, you're the best," she tells me and gives me a quick hug.

"So," I start when she lets go of me. "Have you two done it, yet?"

"Um," she looks down, embarrassed. "No, not yet. We want to wait a while, see if this lasts before we take that step."

"Good for you," I congratulate. It really sounds like this could be serious with Jack. Usually she doesn't think twice about 'taking the next step' with a guy.

"Thanks," she grins. "So, what were you and Max talking about earlier?"

"Well, 'talking' is not exactly the right word for it." I roll my eyes and then elaborate, "We were having this big argument about…well, stuff…but after we found you guys down here, we managed to settle our differences."

"Oh, okay," she says, thankfully accepting my somewhat vague answer. "But, you two are alright?"

"Yeah, we're fine. It's gonna take us some time to get back on track, but I think we're gonna make it through this," I smile slightly.

"That's great, Liz. I'm glad you're getting better. You know, I miss my happy-go-lucky Lizzie."

"Me, too," I add with a sigh. "I miss her, too."

And I hope she'll be on her way back real soon, I add silently.

* * *

_Tuesday 19th April 2005_

_It's been a month since we got back from the cabin, since we found out about Jack and Becca and since Max and I talked things over, and I really feel that I've made a lot of progress in that time. I've been attending regular counselling sessions with Dr. Jones, although after Spring Break, I realised that it wasn't really fair for Max to be there for them as well. After all, we managed to talk through most things during that week and really, the rest is up to me to sort out. Max knows now that none of what happened was his fault and that my remaining problems are all to do with how I see myself and not with fixing our relationship._

_Although he's still being as supportive as ever when I see him, Max and I have kept our distance relationship-wise these past few weeks and in a way, I think that it's been for the best. It's given me time to explore my own feelings and self-image, without having someone else's feeling to deal with as well. As for how Max is handling all of this…I'm not too sure actually. Although he's round at my place a lot, just as I spend time at his apartment on occasion, we don't really discuss our personal issues much. In fact, when we do talk, he steers the conversation towards my recovery or how school's going, deliberately focusing on everything else but himself…_

"Hey, Liz, Max is here!" calls Becca from downstairs, interrupting my writing.

"Okay, I'll be right down," I shout back, closing the journal and slipping it into the drawer of my bedside table. Max, Becca, Jack and I (and sometimes Tim and Kelly) have been doing pizza and movie nights as least once a week since Spring Break. It's nice to sit down and have a fun evening with my friends once in a while, without all the emotional stuff getting in the way.

I get up off the bed and make my way to my bedroom door, briefly stopping in front of the dresser to brush my hair and apply some lip-gloss. As I make my way down the stairs, I glimpse Max at the bottom as Becca leads him towards the living room. A small smile unconsciously appears on my face and my heart does a little lurch in my chest when I see him. My smile gradually becomes a full-fledged grin as I realise what this means: I'm back; the real me, the one that kept Max company on our cross-country field trip three years ago. I'm finally back to the Liz who fell in love with her best friend, and said best friend fell in love with her right back. I practically skip down the rest of the stairs (and almost fall over my feet in the process), but as I approach the living room, where Max is chatting with my housemates, I realise that running into the room and launching myself at him is not the way to go about this. I need to be calm and rational and let the evening play out for itself. I take a deep breath and open the door.

"Hey, Max," I greet him pleasantly and plop myself down on the couch between him and Becca – the space in the middle of the sofa that was conveniently left free when everyone else sat down. Jack is resting comfortably on the floor in front of Becca with his back against the couch and Tim is occupying the armchair in the corner.

"Liz," he smiles. "How did your Biology paper go?"

"Great, actually," I reply with a smile. "I got an A-minus."

"Well done, Lizzie!" he praises. He knows how hard I've been working to get my grades back up – they'd slipped quite a way before Spring Break.

"Thanks," I say. "So, what are we watching tonight?" It was Max's turn to pick out the DVDs tonight.

"Okay, we have a choice – Pirates of the Caribbean, Starsky and Hutch and just for you…Clueless," he announces, holding each one up in turn.

"Really? Cool!" I exclaim. I _love_ Clueless! I've loved it ever since I first saw it at the movies like 10 years ago; especially the part at the end when Josh kisses Cher at the top of the stairs…I used to rent it over and over again just to watch that scene over and over again.

"Well, I for one could do without watching Clueless," announces Tim suddenly, "So can we please see one of the others first?"

I roll my eyes playfully, "Fine, but just know that I'm only agreeing because I know you're going round to Kelly's later and won't be here to protest."

Whilst Becca orders the pizzas and we wait for them to arrive, we eventually decide on Starsky and Hutch. With a glass of white wine in one hand (well, beer for the boys) and a slice of pizza in the other, we settle down to watch the film. Two hours, half a bottle of wine, and numerous bouts of laughter over the whole 'driving into the sea in an attempt to land on the escaping yacht' scene later, Tim has left to go to Kelly's place, and Becca and I are suitably relaxed; yet still feeling the buzz from the alcohol. Becca is demonstrating this by running her fingers through Jack's hair and then moving down to massage his shoulders. I have to admit that it's still somewhat strange to think of two of my best friends together as a couple, but sometimes I just have to smile at how good they are together. I, on the other hand, am feeling kind of sleepy from the wine and it's a struggle to keep my eyes open; which is why my head has been resting on Max's shoulder for the past half hour.

We finally start watching Clueless, but about twenty minutes in, Jack and Becca decide that they'd much rather be having fun upstairs than watching chick flicks with Max and I, and so they leave us to it. I'm still leaning against Max and a part of me can't believe that I'm actually starting to fall asleep during Clueless. Unconsciously, I begin to snuggle closer to him in an effort to get more comfortable and it's only when I feel his arm slip around me and pull my body closer to his, that I finally perk up. All through the film, I am very conscious of his fingers lightly tracing my arm and I have to work very hard not to shiver at his touch. As it gets closer to my favourite part of the film – the kiss at the top of the stairs – I find myself waiting almost impatiently for it, the excitement of anticipation running through my body and I am barely aware of the fact that Max's free hand has wandered upwards and is now absentmindedly playing with my hair.

However, a few moments later I become conscious of his gaze on me and I tear my eyes from the screen, where Cher is currently being yelled at by her Dad's lawyer, to look up at him.

"Stop staring at me, Evans," I say, trying to sound annoyed, but it kind of comes out teasing.

"And what if I don't want to, Parker?" he replies with a smirk.

"Well, I – " The words get stuck in my throat, effectively stopping my retort. I don't really know that answer to that question anymore.

God forgive me, I actually want him to stare at me. In fact, I find that I can't tear my own eyes away from his intense gaze. Somewhere in the distance I hear Josh telling Cher that she's beautiful, but their words are drowned out by the sudden pounding of my heart in my ears. Max reaches up to sweep a stray strand of hair out of my eyes and then lets his fingers come to rest on my cheek.

"Lizzie…" he murmurs softly, before slowly lowering his mouth to mine.

The second I feel his lips on mine, I let go, pouring my heart and soul into the kiss. I turn beneath his arm and pull my body upright so that I can give him my full attention. Our tender embrace seems to go on forever, yet when we finally pull apart, I vaguely realise that the film has not even finished yet.

"Max," I whisper breathlessly against his lips just before they release my mouth. "God, Max…" Wow, I think I'm going to cry…in fact, I know I am. But these will be tears of happiness, not misery as they have been for so long.

Max moves away slightly and gazes down at me once more, his fingers tracing my jawbone.

"Welcome back, my Lizzie," he whispers with a smile. "I've missed you so much."

I return the smile, "I've missed me, too." I try not to look away as the tears begin to fall. "I think I'm really better now, Max. And it feels so good to be me again."

"Liz, I –"

I hold up a hand to cut him off. There's something else I need to say first.

"Wait, I need to tell you something important; it's something that I've wanted to be able to say to you, and really mean it, for so long…I love you, Max Evans. I love you with my heart and soul, and I am so sorry that I forgot that for a while."

He smiles tenderly, "I love you too, Elizabeth Parker."

"And," I continue. "I want to thank you for all your help and support over the last few months. I know it can't have been the best semester for you, having to deal with me as well, but I am so glad you were here and I really want to make it up to you in the short time we have left here together."

He shakes his head, "You don't need to thank me, Liz. I would do anything for you, if it meant you were healthy and happy."

"Max…" I sniff happily.

"Hey, no more crying, okay?" he says gently, as he catches my tears with his finger and wipes them away.

"Okay," I manage with a nod.

"Come here," he says, pulling me to his side once more and dropping a kiss to my forehead. I snuggle into his arms, closing my eyes at the feel of being so close to him again.

"Max?" I venture a few moments later.

"Yeah?"

"Will you stay with me tonight?" I ask tentatively.

"Liz, I don't know if –"

"Only to sleep," I assure him. "I just want to be close to you again, Max. I want to remember how it feels to fall asleep in your arms."

He chuckles softly, before looking down at me once more, "Well, if that's how you put it, then how can I refuse?" I smile gratefully. "Come on, you're looking pretty sleepy already, how about we call it a night now?"

"Okay," I reply with a yawn.

He grins, switches off the VCR and TV and then helps me to my feet, entwining his fingers with mine as we leave the living room. I keep sneaking glances at him as we climb the stairs together. I offer him a pair of boxers and a T-shirt of his that I brought with me to Cambridge a few months ago. He puts them on and then sits on my desk chair, as I get ready for bed. With a smile, I hold out my hand to him and we slip under the covers together, his arms coming around me as we settle down to sleep.

A few moments later, however, the peace and quiet is broken by faint moans and cries coming from down the hall – from Becca's room to be exact. I groan, cover my ears with my hands and bury my head in Max's chest.

He chuckles wryly, "Man, this is going to be a hell of a long night."

_[i]TBC…[/i]_


	12. Chapter 12

**Part Twelve**

_…Monday April 25th 2005_

_I feel like I've been bouncing off the walls the past few days…Max and I are back together again and I'm so happy! It all started that night last week when he came over for movie night and since then, we've spent every moment possible together. However, I have to say that last Saturday was the best night I've had in a long time. Max took me out for a romantic dinner in the city and then surprised me with two tickets for the ballet. One of the famous Russian ballet companies was in town performing Swan Lake – my absolute favourite ballet – and Max had managed to get last minute tickets for us. Even though he can't stand ballet himself, he happily sat through it with me, his fingers linked with mine the entire time…_

_

* * *

_

_…Saturday April 30th 2005_

_After the incredible date Max took me on last Saturday night, I realised just how much he's done for me over the past few months. He's been right here for me, even when he didn't have to be and at a time when he probably didn't want to be around me; but still, he gave me all the love and support I needed to get better. I owe him so much; not only for helping me deal with my problems, but also for loving me enough to try our relationship again._

_Anyway, to say thank you to him for everything he's done, I decided to do something special for him last night – I invited him round for dinner – made from scratch by yours truly (with a little help from Becca) and we had a romantic evening at home. It really is great to feel comfortable and happy with Max again. I just hope that we can stay happy together for a long time to come…_

* * *

_…Wednesday May 4th 2005_

_I can't believe that it's almost the end of the semester! Finals are next week, and after that Max and I will be leaving Harvard for the summer. The only thing is, he won't be returning with me in the fall. Okay, so I admit that my reaction to his presence here back in the winter wasn't the greatest, but now I can't imagine him not being here with me all the time. In fact, he's right here with me now while I'm writing this…well, technically he's supposed to be helping me study, but he's currently asleep next to me on the bed and it doesn't look like he's going to wake up anytime soon. I guess our date last night wore him out…wait, I know what you're thinking and no we weren't doing [/i]that[i]! Actually, I kinda decided it would be fun to go to the student night at a club in town and we didn't get in until after 3am. Because it was so late, Max crashed here for the night. Neither of us had class this morning, but we still don't seem to be getting much studying done._

_You know, I'm actually pretty tired myself…maybe I'll just lie down too…_

* * *

_…Friday May 13th 2005, 7.55pm_

_Well, it's the end of finals week and the end of junior year. I can't believe it's another year over already. God, I'll be graduating soon and will probably spend the next few months planning my future. And you know what? I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I always thought that Biology would be my path in life – you know, study it at Harvard, go to Grad school, maybe get a PhD and then spend my days in a research lab – but over the last few months, my perspective has been changing and I really don't know what I want to do anymore. Some days I get so fed up of the whole academic thing that I just want to throw in the towel and get a nice easy job in an office or something; but other days I realise that I would probably find that kind of job totally unsatisfying and boring, and that makes me want to continue on in the world of science._

_But, you know what? For these last couple of weeks the only thing I've been able to visualise for my future is Max. Well, actually, Max and me, together…forever. In fact, I've even been dreaming about it at night – getting married to the man I love; to the guy who's been my best friend forever. Sometimes I'll see us as newlyweds, living in a tiny apartment in the city, other nights we'll be in a gorgeous family home in the suburbs, two adorable kids energetically running around the backyard…_

_…Well, it's nice to dream isn't it?_

_Oh, I gotta go now, Max is here…we're going out tonight to celebrate the end of exams…_

_…Saturday May 14th 2005, 3.15am_

_…Since this is technically the same day (kind of), I just want to add that it seems my dreams may be getting closer than I thought…_

* * *

**Friday May 13th 2005, 8.30pm**

"Come on, Max," I plead. "You have to tell me where we're going. You know it's against the rules to lie and keep secrets from your better half!"

He shakes his head and smirks, while keeping his eyes on the road, "Better half, huh? Who ever said you were the better one?"

I roll my eyes and smack him lightly on the arm, "Max!"

He just continues to smirk, so I sigh, "Come on, please. The suspense is killing me."

"I'm still not telling you, Liz," he glances at me, letting out a chuckle at my exasperation. "It's supposed to be a surprise. It'll ruin it if I tell you."

"Well, fine then," I huff; crossing my arms and leaning back against the seat. The only problem is; I can't be mad at him when secretly I love that he's planning some kind of surprise for me. I turn my face towards the window, but I can't stop the bubble of excitement that rises up in my chest, threatening to spill over and I know that he sees the smile that plays on my lips. I feel the soft touch of his hand on my arm and I turn towards him. Our eyes meet for a moment and he smiles. He runs his fingers lightly down my arm and then links them with mine, before turning his gaze back to the road again.

"Stop worrying, Liz, we're almost there," he murmurs a moment later. "And trust me, you're gonna like this surprise."

I try to relax, but there's still an almost nervous feeling lingering in my chest over what he might be planning. A few minutes later, Max turns off into a small parking lot just outside of town and slows the borrowed car (it's Jack's) to a stop.

"Okay, we're here," he says triumphantly.

I peer out of the window, but I don't see much – there are no streetlights out here. "And where is 'here' exactly?"

He grins, "Now that would just be telling."

I just stare at him in a mixture of wonder and confusion as he climbs out of the car, walks around to my side and opens the door for me.

"Come on then, let's get going," he says, holding out his hand.

I step out gracefully, flashing him a small smile before turning to take in our surroundings. I stop. What the hell?

"Um, Max?" I ask carefully.

"Yeah?" he replies as he locks the car.

"Why did you insist on me wearing my nicest outfit and most expensive shoes if you were just going to bring me to a backwoods parking lot?"

He attempts to hide a smirk, but I catch it and frown. His smile drops at my reaction and he comes to a stop in front of me, taking my hands in his.

"Just trust me, okay?"

He looks so earnest that I can doing nothing but agree. I roll my eyes good-naturedly and allow him to lead me towards the wood. We walk through the trees for several minutes and I'm on the verge of mentioning that my feet are becoming sore, when we reach a clearing next to a waterfall and he stops suddenly.

"Okay," he says, grinning down at me. "This is it. Look." He gestures to the view in front of us.

"Um…it's a waterfall?" I venture, confused about why showing me a waterfall…in the dark, I might add…is such a great surprise.

"Yes, it is," he says, still grinning.

"Max, I don't get it –"

"I know, but just have faith in me, okay?"

I manage a nod, although I'm now wondering what on earth has gotten into my boyfriend tonight. However, what he does next causes me to seriously question his sanity. He turns away from me, nods his head and calls, "It's time," to…well, nobody at all.

"Um, Max, who are you talking t –?" My question is cut off abruptly when suddenly the waterfall is bathed in coloured light. "Wow," I gasp, turning towards the incredible sight before me. "Max, do you see this?" He doesn't reply. "Max?"

With a frown, I turn back to him…and gasp once again, my hand flying to my mouth, "Oh my God."

There he is…down on one knee, gazing up at me, his eyes sparkling in the multicoloured light.

"Liz," he takes my free hand, caressing it lightly with his fingers. "I love you – "

Oh my God, I can't breathe. Is this really happening? Is he about to…propose to me?

"I love you so much," he continues quietly. "In fact, I think I've loved you my entire life." I feel tears pricking my eyes at this confession. "I know that things between us haven't always been perfect and I know you've been through a great deal this last year, but these past few months with you have made me realise just how much you mean to me and that I don't think I could ever live without you."

"Oh, Max," I murmur, as a stray tear escapes my eye. I lower my hand from my mouth, letting it hang loosely at my side. I can't believe this is actually happening.

"Wait," he says gently, "let me finish. Liz Parker, you're my whole world and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, square box. Letting go of my hand, he holds the box before me and opens it up. I suck in a shaky breath. "Lizzie, will you marry me?"

Now I can't stop the tears as they finally spill over and flow down my cheeks. I stand there facing him, unmoving, my gaze fixed on the gorgeous diamond ring in his hands.

"Liz?" he questions nervously. I raise my eyes to his and smile down at him through my tears. My legs suddenly feel like jelly and they don't seem to want to support me any longer, so I sink down onto my knees in front of him.

"Yes," I whisper. "Yes, I'll marry you, Evans." He lets out a sigh of relief and breaks into a delighted smile. "And I love you too. You're my whole world."

"Here," he murmurs, reaching into the small box in my hands. "I think this is yours."

He takes my left hand in his and carefully slides the sparkling ring onto my finger. My hand tingles at the contact. He grins down at my hand before returning his gaze to mine.

"Thank you," he whispers. "You've just made my day."

I let out a soft giggle; he's not only made my day, but my whole life, too.

"Mine too."

We both turn serious once more, as we stare at each other for several moments before passion takes over me and my lips are on his, my arms holding him as close to me as possible. Several moments later, Max pulls away and stands up, pulling me with him. The grin returns to his face and he laughs happily. Before I know what's happening, he lifts me into the air and spins me around until I begin to get dizzy.

"So," he murmurs, as we come to a stop. "We're engaged?"

I nod firmly. "We're engaged," I confirm, pulling him down for another kiss, as I lose myself in him once more.

"Oh, for goodness sake, cut the mushy stuff already!" a harsh voice cuts into our passion-filled embrace.

"Shh, you idiot," comes the exasperated reply.

Startled, I pull away from Max and look at him quizzically.

He shrugs unapologetically, "Okay, so I had some help." He smirks, adding "And, well, I didn't think you'd mind."

I frown in puzzlement, but he simply nods in the direction of the voices. I turn in his embrace only to see the two people I least expected to see in the Boston area emerging from the trees.

"Oh my God…Maria…Michael…What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, you see," says Maria as she approaches us. "I couldn't miss my best friend getting engaged, now could I?" she grins. "And, well, he's with me."

"Wow, I just…I can't believe this!" I exclaim, as I leave Max's arms and wrap my arms around her.

"What a day, huh?" she exclaims.

"Yeah," I laugh as we pull back from our hug. "I can't believe I'm engaged," I grin, sneaking a glance at Max. He smiles. "And I can't believe you're here. Either of you." I haven't seen anyone from Roswell (apart from Max) since Christmas.

Maria grins, but Michael just shrugs awkwardly and mumbles something about how Maria made him come. I share a disbelieving look with Maria as Max comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

I can now honestly say that this has been the best night I've had in a long, long time…possibly even the best night of my life so far.

* * *

**Friday May 13th 2005, 10.45pm**

I am so happy right now, I think I might just burst; I just can't keep the grin off my face. My head is spinning, seemingly unable to grasp the fact that Max actually proposed to me. The thing is, it was so unexpected that I'm almost convinced it was all a dream. I say almost, because it's kind of hard to ignore the fact that at this very moment, I am enclosed in a three-way hug with Becca, who is practically jumping up and down with excitement, and Jack, who has this big, knowing grin on his face.

As the hug comes to an end and I pull back, I fix Jack with a suspicious gaze.

"Wait a minute, did you know about this?" I ask him dubiously.

The grin suddenly disappears from his face and his eyes shift from me to Max, who is standing just behind me, and then back again.

"Well, uh, I…" he starts.

"He helped me pick out the ring," Max cuts in with a smile. "It had to be just right, and he's the one who was here for you when I couldn't be, so I thought he might be able to help."

Jack lets out a relieved breath. "You do like it, right?"

A grin breaks out across my face as I glance down at the sparkling ring on my finger, "I love it; it's perfect."

"Great," says Jack.

"That's good to know," murmurs Max from behind me, as he links his fingers with mine. I turn my head towards him and our eyes lock. I send him an indulgent smile and before I realise it, he's leaning in for a kiss, which I know was intended to be chaste, but somehow neither of us seems willing to stop. That is, until a throat clears beside us and Maria's voice breaks through the haze of Max's kisses.

"Um, guys…guys, you do remember that you're not alone here, right?"

Regretfully, I pull away from Max and turn towards the door, where Maria and Michael are standing awkwardly. I guess it must be strange for Maria, my closest friend from Roswell (bar Max), to see Jack, Becca and I so close. I imagine that she's feeling a little out of place here. Michael, on the other hand, looks more uncomfortable with the amount of hugging and kissing that's going on than anything else.

"Oh, Maria, I'm sorry," I apologise quickly.

"Yeah, sorry, Maria," adds Max quietly, although from his subtle tone of voice, I'm not sure he really is all that sorry.

"Look, maybe we should leave these two alone for a while?" suggests Becca. "Maria, Michael, it was nice to finally meet you," she smiles. "Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? We don't have much room here, but – "

"Oh, no, it's okay," replies Maria. "We booked into a motel just outside of town this afternoon. We'll be fine. Right, Michael?"

"What? Oh, yeah, we're good," he shrugs. I frown; he's been unusually moody this evening. I wonder if everything's okay between him and Maria.

"Are you sure you guys don't mind?" I ask then. "I mean, I've hardly had a chance to catch up with you yet."

"Don't you worry about us, Lizzie. This is your night; we'll have plenty of time to talk tomorrow."

"Thanks, Maria," I reach out and hug her gratefully.

"Okay, we'd better be off," announces Michael abruptly, taking Maria's arm. "It was nice meeting you too," he nods to Becca and Jack.

"Look, since we're leaving Max and Liz to themselves in here, why don't we walk you guys out?" suggests Jack.

"Okay, that would be great," replies Maria with a smile. "Congratulations again, you two."

"Thanks, Maria," says Max, as he pulls me close to him, wrapping his arm around me. "And thanks for your help tonight; both of you."

"No problem, Maxwell," nods Michael.

The four of them make a somewhat hasty retreat out of the living room.

"Well," I say to Max, as they close the door firmly behind them. "They seemed to be in a hurry."

"I wonder why that could be?" he replies with a grin, as he turns me in his arms and tightens them around me.

I slip my own arms around his waist and bury my chest in his warm, solid chest, savouring the feeling of just being held. I feel him press a kiss against my hair as his hands rub slow circles on my back and I tilt my head up to look at him.

"You know, I still can't believe this is all happening. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but where did all this come from? Why now?"

He chuckles softly, "You know what? I actually don't know." His expression turns thoughtful, "I guess it was that night the other week when you cooked dinner for me and we just spent the whole night talking and having fun. It made me realise that that was what I wanted for my future; you and me, sharing our lives and making a home together. After that night, all I could think about was being with you for the rest of my life and before I knew it, I was looking in the window of every jewellery shop I passed." He sighs, "I think the lady in the jewellers on Main Street think I'm crazy – I've been stopping by every day, just staring at the display, trying to decide which ring you'd like best."

A giggle escapes my mouth at the thought of Max trying to pick out the ring. He's always been hopeless with buying jewellery.

"In the end, I had to ask Jack to help me," he admits.

"Well, he did a good job. I love this ring," I tell him, removing my hand from his waist to take another look at it.

"I'm glad," he tells me, before taking my hand in his and lifting it to his lips. He places a soft kiss on the ring and then another to the palm of my hand. It makes me tingle inside.

"So, um, how exactly did Michael and Maria end up here?" I question a few moments later, when I've told my body to calm down.

He smiles, "Well, actually, that wasn't entirely my idea. I got a call from Maria the other day – apparently she's managed to get an audition with a record producer in New York next week and she wanted to surprise you with a visit." My eyes widen in awe. Maria has an audition? That's great! "Anyway, I told her what I was planning to do and asked her if she and Michael wanted to be here when I asked you, and the rest, as they say, is history."

"Wow," I breathe. "I'm so happy for her. Why didn't she say something tonight?"

"Why do you think?" he smiles. "This is your night, remember?"

"And also yours," I add meaningfully, before leaning up for a kiss, to which he eagerly complies.

"Why don't we sit down for a bit?" suggests Max as he pulls away a few moments later.

"Okay."

He takes my hand and leads me to the couch. He settles against the cushions and I curl up beside him, resting my head on his chest. We sit in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's company, until something occurs to me.

"So, um, where do we go from here?" I wonder, sitting up on the couch. "I mean, what do we do now? Do we set a date? Do we start planning things right away? Oh, God, what about our parents…what do we tell them?"

"Liz…Liz, calm down," chuckles Max. "Let's just take things one step at a time, okay?"

"Okay," I say, slightly embarrassed at my sudden, unexpected outburst.

"Look," he says gently. "When I decided to ask you to marry me, I wasn't necessarily expecting us to go through with it straight away. More than anything, I wanted you to know how I felt. It's completely up to you when you want to have the wedding; I don't want to rush you into anything," he assures me. "So, I guess the question is, when do you want to get married?"

"Well," I start thoughtfully. "I guess part of me doesn't want to wait at all. I want to be with you all the time, Max. But another part, the rational part, says we should wait a while, at least until after we graduate."

"Yeah, I agree," he tells me. "After all, you're still gonna be here and I have to spend senior year back at UNM. There's no way I can live apart from you if we get married now, in fact it's going to be hard enough getting through the next year without you."

"For me, too," I admit quietly, an idea forming in my head as I speak. "What if…maybe I could transfer to UNM? We could finish school together."

He gives a sad smile, shaking his head, "As much as I'd love to be with you all the time, I can't let you do that, Liz. You've made it through three years of Harvard already; you're almost there and I'm not gonna let you give all that up now."

I know he's right, but that doesn't stop me from trying anyway, "But you've seen how hard the work has been for me this year. What if I can't make it through the next year?"

Max leans forward, placing a kiss to the end of my nose, "You're gonna do fine, Lizzie; and just think how great you're going to feel this time next year when you have a degree from Harvard."

"Yeah, I guess," I concede finally.

"Hey, come here," Max says then, holding his arms out to me. I settle against him comfortably, running my fingers lightly across his chest, eliciting an intake of breath from him.

"Lizzie," he whispers raggedly.

I look up at him, only to be captured by the emotion showing in his gaze. Before I know what's happening, he pulls me closer, his hands in my hair as his lips devour mine. The passion of his embrace threatens to overwhelm me, and all I can do is respond to his lips with everything I'm feeling right at this moment. I'm not quite sure how or when we move, but when I pull away for air, I find myself pinned beneath him, the entire length of his body covering mine completely. As his lips leave mine and begin a new journey down my neck, something causes my body to tense up and my eyes fly open.

"Max," I murmur, shifting slightly beneath him. "Max, stop."

"What –" he lifts his head from my skin, his eyes slightly unfocused. "What is it, Liz?"

"I don't know, it's just…" I start uncomfortably. Okay, so I do know what's wrong: Max and I haven't made love since January, in the early hours of that fateful Sunday – the day we broke up, and I don't want to spoil the significance of this night by bringing up the past. No, I want our first time as a couple again to be special and a conscious decision; and not because we're all caught up in the moment and I just happen to be lying under him on the living room couch. "Max, I don't think I can do this tonight," I tell him eventually. "I want to be entirely ready to enter a physical relationship with you again, which I don't think I am just yet, and I don't want to do it only because you proposed tonight."

"Liz, it's okay – "

"Plus," I continue quickly, "I don't have any protection with me, or in my room, and…and I just don't think it's a good idea right now –"

"Liz," he cuts me off with a finger to my lips. "Liz, I understand, okay? I wasn't expecting us to make love tonight." I roll my eyes; I can feel his obvious arousal against my thigh. "Okay," he chuckles. "So, my body thinks otherwise, but if you want to wait a while, that's fine. Just the fact that you've agreed to marry me is all I need right now."

"Thank you," I breathe gratefully, relaxing a little beneath him.

"Hey," says Max, as he carefully slides off the couch and offers me a hand up. "How about we go upstairs, get some sleep? You'll need your rest if you're gonna spend the day with Maria tomorrow," he teases

I smirk, "Yeah, I guess you're right about that." I take his hand and he pulls me up.

As I snuggle up to him in my bed a few minutes later, an indulgent smile appears on my lips and I have to suppress the excited squeal that threatens to spill from my throat. I'm going to be able to do this with him every night for the rest of my life.

I can't wait.

TBC…


	13. Chapter 13

**Part Thirteen**

"I can't believe you didn't say something sooner!" I exclaim to Maria as we exit Starbucks with our coffees and stroll along Main Street. "I mean, this could be your big break, Maria."

"Liz, babe, come on," she looks at me incredulously. "When Max told me he was going to propose to you, I knew that my little audition simply paled in comparison. My news could definitely wait."

"Little? Maria, this is an audition in New York City; for an actual record label – that's not little! And anyway, what made you so sure I'd say yes last night?"

"Oh, please! This is you and Max we're talking about. You two were destined to be together," she rolls her eyes.

I stop walking and am about to protest, to remind her that not everything has been great between us lately, and that we very nearly broke up for good, but the second I open my mouth, she stops too and puts up her hand to prevent me from doing so.

"Look, I know you've had a rough time this year –" I frown at her in confusion. How does she know about my depression? I was careful not to mention it when we spoke on the phone – I didn't want her worrying about me. "Max told me," she explains. "And before you get mad at him, he was just looking out for you. He loves you."

"I know he does," I say, a faint smile tugging at my lips. I look down at the coffee in my hand. "And I love him, too."

"See what I mean? You're his Lizzie, of course you were gonna say yes!"

I laugh at her sudden outburst and we continue walking.

"You do know that Max and I are coming to New York with you and Michael, don't you?" I inform her. "There's no way I'm missing this great opportunity for you."

"Oh, it's gonna be so great!" she exclaims suddenly. "All of us together…in New York. You, me, Maxie-boy…"

"And don't forget Michael," I remind her.

"Yeah, and him," she mutters, making a face. I remember my concern from the night before.

"Maria, is something going on with you two? Michael seemed even more pissed off than usual last night."

"Ugh," she dismisses with her hand. "It's nothing really."

"Maria, you _can_ talk to me, you know," I encourage.

She exhales, "Okay, it's, um, it's this whole you guys getting married thing…"

"Yeah…?" What about us getting married?

"It's kinda stupid, really. When I told Michael about my conversation with Max and that he was going to pop the question, he just got kind of quiet and grunted something about congratulations. Things have suddenly got really awkward between us; we're barely talking right now and I don't even know why," she shrugs miserably.

"Oh, Maria, I'm sorry," I put my arm around her shoulder in comfort. "Look, you know what I think it is? I bet Michael's just scared."

"But, what of? It's not like we're getting hitched or anything," she says.

"I think there are two possibilities here," I tell her seriously. "Either the whole idea of marriage is freaking him out and he's scared that because Max proposed to me, you're going to expect a proposal now too; or he actually does want to ask you to marry him but is too scared to actually broach the subject with you, for fear that you'll just laugh in his face."

"Oh, man, of course!" she cries. "How did I miss that? He's probably completely freaking out right now, although since he's a guy, I'm sure it's the first possibility. Oh, poor Michael!"

"So, I'm guessing he has nothing to worry about then?" I query.

"God, no! I mean, of course I want to get married someday, but not right now, and definitely not just because you guys are doing it," she says incredulously. "Man, do we need to sit down and talk later!"

The amazed expression on her face is so comical that I can't help but laugh. Within seconds, she's joined me and we struggle to continue our journey down the street without falling over. It feels just like old times: shopping with one of my best friends, laughing together and having fun, as if we're still high school kids back in Roswell. It's brilliant.

* * *

"So, what's the plan for next week, then guys?" asks Becca as we all sit down for dinner in the living room. The kitchen table is too small for all eight of us (Tim and Kelly are here too), so we're making do on the couch and the floor.

"Well," begins Maria. "My audition is on Tuesday at 2pm, so we're gonna drive down Monday morning, do a bit of sightseeing, spend a couple of nights in the city and then head back to New Mexico from there."

Becca nods, turning to Max and I on the couch, "What about you guys?"

"We'll go down to New York with Maria and Michael," says Max. "But we're flying home, so I guess we'll get a bus or a train back here instead of driving cross-country."

"Yeah, we're leaving Friday, so that gives us a couple more days to pack and get organised," I add. "Oh, by the way, Maria, where are we staying in New York?"

"Oh, we managed to find a fairly cheap place on Broadway and uh, 94th Street, I think – it's a Quality Inn, I think. Anyway, I called them last night to change the reservation to two rooms," she supplies.

I feel Max nudge me in the back, "Hey, the Quality Inn…wasn't that we're we stayed that summer?"

"Was it?" I rack my brain trying to remember – we stayed in so many different hotels on our road trip.

"You know, it was where you…" starts Max, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

My eyes widen at his words and I feel my face burning bright red as I remember where we stayed and what we did in that hotel room. It was at that Quality Inn on 94th Street where I gave Max oral sex for the first time. How could I forget that?

"Where you what, Liz?" questions Maria innocently, although I swear I can see a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Oh, um, nothing," I squeak. "It was just…uh, I…got us lost on the subway and it took us forty-five minutes to find the hotel," I improvise quickly. I can feel Max chuckling behind me and I turn to glare at him disapprovingly. He just smirks in return.

"Oh, right, okay," concedes Maria, seemingly accepting my explanation, but still looking at me suspiciously for a moment before turning her attention back to the original conversation. "So, yeah, we're staying just off Broadway. The audition is down in the village, but it shouldn't take too long to get to on the subway."

"Cool," says Becca, taking a swig of beer from the bottle in her hand.

See, we stupidly left the boys to do the food shopping this afternoon, so now all we have to drink is beer. You would think that by now Max and Michael, at least, might remember that neither Maria nor I particularly like beer, but no, according to them you can never go wrong with a Chinese takeaway and a six-pack of Budweiser. At least they managed to get Bud-Lite for us instead of the calorie-filled stuff, but that didn't let them off a lecture on why, when there are females present at dinner, it's always best to pick up a bottle of wine as well.

Oh well, if Max is going to be my husband soon, he's just going to have to learn these things. Although, I think I can let him off just this once considering that we have only been back together for a few weeks and it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him with what has to have been the most romantic proposal I can think of.

So, instead of complaining, I'm just going to sit back, relax against him and look forward to visiting New York City once again on Monday.

* * *

_Monday May 16th 2005_

_Well, here we are, back in New York again. Not that I haven't visited the city at all during the last three years, because I have – since it's only a few hours journey from Boston – but I've only ever been here once with Max, so this trip makes it all the more special. We all drove down in Maria's car this morning, but what should have been only a four-hour trip turned into more than six hours – I tried to explain to Maria and Michael that trying to drive into the city was perhaps not the best idea, but they still insisted on doing so and I didn't have the energy to keep arguing with them._

_Once we finally found somewhere to park, we checked into the hotel (which is definitely the same one that Max and I stayed in three summers ago – and amazingly, they managed to put us in the same room as before – after much begging from us, of course) and then set off for some sightseeing. Since neither Maria nor Michael has been here before, Max and I had the upper hand in knowing where to go and what to see. So far, we've been up the Empire State Building and then, at Maria's insistence, we spent almost two hours shopping at Macy's._

_Right now, we're back in our hotel rooms. Maria wanted to get some rest before her audition tomorrow and so we decided to call it a night. We're planning on going to see a show or something tomorrow night, in either celebration or commiseration, depending on how the audition goes._

_But anyway, I guess I didn't really explain my last entry in here…about my dreams being closer than I thought…well, here's the thing: Max proposed to me on Friday night! I am now an engaged woman and I am so happy. So much has happened this year and if you'd asked me four months ago if I thought I would ever be getting married to my best friend, I probably would have told you no and burst into tears. But Max has helped me so much and I really feel like a stronger person because of him._

_I really could go on for hours about how excited I'm feeling, but right now, Max is lying next to me, his hands drifting dangerously close to where I need him most and I don't think I can concentrate for much longer…_

I stop writing just as Max's fingers brush my inner thigh through my jeans, making my stomach contract involuntarily. Throwing caution to the wind, I let the journal slip from my hands and to the floor as I slide down next to him. He sends me a mischievous grin as his arm comes around my waist and he pulls me in for a quick, but emotion-filled kiss.

We lie facing each other on the bed, my body stretched out along the length of his, our legs entwined. I feel his erection pressing against me, but unlike Friday night, I'm not apprehensive or unsure about being intimate with him again. Maybe it's being back in New York, in the very same hotel room that we shared as a new couple – I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I want him. Right here, right now.

"I love you, Max," I whisper softly, gently stroking his cheek with my fingers. "I want to be with you again."

He smiles, "Lizzie, you know I'd love nothing more than to make love to you, right here, right now," (My sentiments exactly). " But, are you sure you're ready for this, because we really don't have to?"

I smile at his concern for me, but he really has no need to be worried. "Yes, I'm sure," I murmur back. I sit up to reach over the side of the bed and pull something out of my bag. I hold up my hand to him, "I even brought condoms with me."

The smile becomes a full-fledged grin as he takes the box from me and places it on the bedside table, "That's good to know."

We continue to stare at each other for a few more minutes, neither one of us making the first move. Despite what I just told him about being ready to do this, I'm actually feeling a little nervous now.

"Hey, it's alright," he says softly, apparently noticing my nervousness. "We can go slow if you like."

I smile at him gratefully.

"And if it's any consolation, I'm nervous too," he adds.

"You are?"

"Well, yeah; I mean it has been almost four months since I did this, what if I've forgotten how?"

I laugh, effectively easing the tension, "Max, we've managed to wait almost this long before – you know, when we were living two thousand miles apart? – I seriously doubt you've forgotten anything."

"Okay," he concedes. "So I haven't forgotten, but you have to admit there is at least a little pressure on us here – this is our first time together as an engaged couple. It's special."

"Yeah, it is," I agree softly, but still, neither of us moves.

Eventually, Max decides to take things into his own hands. He sits up and pulls his shirt over his head, baring his perfect chest to my gaze. It's been so long since I've seen him like this that desire takes over and suddenly we can't keep our hands to ourselves. We tug and pull at each others clothing until there's nothing left to discard, and we fall to the bed in a frenzy of passion.

Max settles his body over mine, his hips resting between my parted legs; his elbows placed either side of my head, supporting his weight above me.

"Are you ready?" he murmurs.

"Yeah," I nod absently, the feel of him at my entrance driving me crazy.

"Okay."

He reaches for the box of condoms and pulls one out. I take it from him, open the packet and reach down between us to roll it onto him. He sucks in a breath when I touch him, reminding us both that it's been too long.

Slowly, carefully, he begins to enter me. I have to suppress a gasp at the twinge of pain I feel as he fills me up, but within seconds it disappears, my body adjusting to his size once again.

"Max," I murmur softly, my eyes drifting closed as he begins to stroke inside of me, his movements awakening long-dormant feelings in my body.

"Is this okay?" he questions gently.

"Uh huh," I breathe, not opening my eyes. "It's perfect."

My lips tingle as his mouth comes down on mine, kissing me sensually. His strokes become a little quicker and when the need to breathe becomes inevitable, he tears his lips from mine and nuzzles my neck instead, before moving down to my breasts. I shift beneath him; wrapping my legs around his hips as together we approach ecstasy for the first time in months.

Just when I think the wonderful feeling of making love to my fiancé cannot escalate any further, I feel Max's fingers teasing my clit and white-hot pleasure shoots through my entire body, making me cry out at the intensity of it. Somewhere in my mind, it registers that Max reaches his own climax just seconds after I do, but I am powerless to do anything but ride out the waves of my own release.

When I eventually open my eyes again, my chest heaving with exhaustion, I find Max collapsed on top of me, attempting to catch his breath.

"Wow," I exhale. "I think that just may have been the best sex I've ever had."

I feel him chuckle against my breast, "Yeah, you can say that again." He lifts his head to look into my eyes, "I love you so much."

"And I love you, too," I assure him.

"Come here," he rolls to the side and beckons for me to join him. I do so eagerly.

I sigh contentedly in his arms, "I can't believe we're here in the same hotel room as last time, and we're together. It's really weird."

"I know. I mean the last time we were here, did you ever imagine, that we'd be back again three years later and engaged?"

"Not in a million years," I confess with a chuckle.

"Speaking of which," he says. "I know we've agreed to wait until after graduation before we get married; but I was thinking, what do you think about having it next July, on or as near to the 13th as possible?"

"That sounds good, but why the 13th?" I ask in confusion, as I rack my brain for a reason why July 13th is so important.

He looks down at me incredulously. Oops, have I just put my foot in it?

"Liz, how can you not remember? You wrote all about it in journal! July 13th 2002 was the day we shared our first real kiss."

Uh oh.

"Oh God, I can't believe I forgot. I'm sorry," I apologise hastily.

"Hey, it's okay," he chuckles. "Besides, I'm the one who's supposed to forget dates and things, so I think I can let you off just this once."

Whew!

"So, what do you think?" he asks then.

I smile up at him and lean in for a kiss, "I think it's a great idea."

"Great, so that's sorted. July next year it is," he murmurs as I lay my head against his chest. "Okay, now I really have to go to sleep. You know, you really tire me out, Liz Parker."

I grin against his skin as I close my eyes.

I'm so glad Max has been here for me this year. I'm finally happy and comfortable with myself again and you know what?

I actually love my life again.

* * *

_Sunday May 29th 2005_

_Wow, so much has happened in the last two weeks!_

_Apparently Maria's audition in New York went really well because she's been offered a two-year contract with the record company! Although both Michael and her mom have warned her that getting into the business might not be all it's cracked up to be, she's decided to take the risk and accept the offer, which means that, as of the beginning of September, she'll be living in New York!_

_Secondly, Max and I received our exam results in the mail this week. I actually passed the year – and with pretty good grades too, which really lifted my spirits in regards to returning to Cambridge in the fall. Quite unexpectedly – well, in his opinion, at least, Max did really well – his lowest grade was a B- minus. I always knew he would get good grades – he's a good student who works hard – but I think he was a little daunted by the fact that he was at Harvard, and wasn't even expecting to pass have his classes. Anyway, to celebrate, our parents got together and took us all out for a special dinner, which actually became the perfect time to share the news of our engagement with everyone!_

_I was a little worried beforehand, about what my parents would say – I was sure they would be convinced that we were rushing into things and would be against the idea – but their reactions were surprisingly unexpected. My mom burst into tears and the first thing my dad did was shake Max's hand and then pull him into a hug. Diane Evans' reaction was similar to my mom's and then she and Mr. Evans pulled me into a hug too. There were congratulations given and quite a few tears, but in the end, I think everyone was happy for us. Okay, so Max did admit to me afterwards that his parents already knew he was going to propose and that he even asked for my dad's blessing before he did so, but I still feel so happy that they are all so pleased and hopeful for us._

_Anyway, now all we have to do is start planning the wedding._

_Oh my God, just think – in less than fourteen months, I'm going to be Mrs. Max Evans!_

**The End**

The third (and currently the last) story in the series will follow shortly. It's entitled **Always and Forever**.


End file.
